My awakening

This is my story on my birthday. It’s for me - ME, MY, I - I’m writing it because I feel the need to do it. Yes, I will share it, although the reason is to have a concrete reminder of the day things changed for me in a substantial and meaningful way. I’m not trying to prove anything. So, stop here if you’re reading this or go on. I’m good either way.

I grew up in White Plains, NY after stints in Seattle and Texas. I remember things kids often do - my bike, my bed, my house and my family. Dad was a doctor and Mom was english teacher. We lived in a modest middle class home in the Jewish part of town. My parents were conservative and drilled into us that we didn’t have a lot of money and the core values above all was family. 

Up until third grade I lived a nice white life. It was the 60s and I mostly don’t recall Vietnam or the racial divide. In third grade, things changed. The other part of the White Plains community made its way to my school by bus - it was desegregation, the end of racial segregation in our town. My class went from all white to half white, half black. Our housekeeper's son, Girard Mitchel, was now my classmate. He and I used to play before this all happened (he’d join his mom at my house) and now we were hanging out in class and at home.

Zoom forward the next decade and my experience in White Plains was always through the normalized lens of the 70’s - politics were evil, sex, drugs and rock n roll were good. Disco - not so much. I was athletic and played football, wrestled, and was captain of our H.S. lacrosse team. It was incredibly mixed in my school (see my photo), so I had all kinds of friendships with all kinds of people. I never thought about color or gender or religion. I was just living what I thought was a normal life. Nobody pushed politics or equal rights or anything. In a post-activist generation the emphasis was on having a goooooood time.

In College, I felt out of place. Syracuse was quite diverse, but the anti-sentism was so much more than what I grew up with. Did I have horns? Jewish jokes. It was not the Syracuse of today. It was the era of Aids and homophobia. Reagan was in power and it was a very conservative time - the war on drugs. In 1985, Live Aid captured the spirit of youth around the world. I graduated, moved to NY and started my career in advertising. 

My strong recollection of the next decade was a time characterized by power red ties, Greed is Good, cigars and broad tall shoulder pads in everything. The movies were all about fantasy and buddy movies, like Beverly Hills Cop, and the prevailing mood was getting ahead, building a family and having a good time. Money and power was the currency of my age group. I worked my ass off to be better, smarter and more in touch with the world. I read a ton of fiction, I met Deb, got married, had kids and bought a house - all before the age of 30. 

The next two decades were spent moving up - in my career, where I lived, financially and physically. Politically and socially it was a time of unrest - equal rights, feminism, earthfirst, anti-globalism, the million mom, worker and man marches, the red square demonstrations. 

The point here is my orientation and beliefs. Family. Be good to each other. Get ahead. Make money to advance my life. Spiritually, since my mother’s death during this time, I was hollow and empty. My kids were the main focus and work - 8am to 8pm everyday and weekends on call. Although I had “made it” - had I really?

Much, much later my son left to pursue a political and activist career in Sacramento. He was righteous and smart and planned to improve the world bottom up - through legislation and activism. I loved his energy and passion, but I often thought it came at the expense of a “big time career”. I am wrong on that point. It’s all in the definition of “big time”. He’s doing the right thing. I am a proud dad.

During all this time I focused inward. On family. My career. My life. I hid behind the music. I was not really open or vulnerable. Work and home were separated. I didn’t live a life where my whole self was present - in the office or at home. 

At the same time, Obama spent 8 years in the White House and then Trump was elected. I was just sick of politics. The noise. The fighting. The constant one million channels of hate and noise and politicking. It made me sick, the world mostly made me sick and I turned off. I spent my time outdoors - in the woods, with my headphones playing tunes. 

Despite being turned off I was always turned on to other humans - I have always been and will always be a humanist. Be good to each other. Love relentlessly. Don’t worry, be happy. They love each other. Musically and spiritually I focused on being open, inclusive and non-judgemental. I thought that was the way forward. Politically, I was inactive. I did not march. I did not take part. 

From a career perspective, I wasn’t asked for my POV. It wasn’t a requirement. And so I did….not much. And that was ok - to be hidden in plain sight.

Today is my birthday. It is also my awakening. I am now in a position of power to make changes that can better the world and the experiences of an entire new generation of individuals. I can make a difference and merge my feelings of hope, joy, inclusion, equality and optimism with activism. It's such a privilege and I cannot squander it.

Some have maligned me for not being up to speed on the issues of the world. For being less than fully educated. To those I say - I can own that. No problem. I’ve lived a different experience. But I am not ashamed at all. I’ve lived a spiritually strong life. I’ve done good. Raised a good family. Put myself second to what needed to be done. I am guilty of inaction. A lack of continued education. Of ignoring what’s important to others. So that changes today. Live with the guilt. Make change. Move forward. 

My way is ready, aim, shoot. So, in typical fashion I will get fully educated, decide on a course of action and commit to it. It’s my birthday wish for myself. For the second half of my life (if I am lucky enough to have that), I will do more than get ahead. I will do good. I will act. I won’t be silent. I’ll do it my way so it’s genuine and true. 

In High School senior quote was “Many men have dreams and some have silver linings, I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold.”  Done and done.

Today, I’ll begin living to a different tune. “So many good things come to those who love relentlessly”. I want to unleash my white light onto the world to heal the pain and make things better for all. Wh? Cause we all have strength, we all feel pain. It only matters how we use it. Let it heal our global strain.

If you read this far you get a gold star :)  Peace out. #lovethelifeyoulive #relaxanddream #snowphish