My Application to Oxford University

"The Selection Panel considers that your application is of a very high standard and, as such, we would like to invite you to an interview"

My last article was about fulfilling my dream - going to work in Singapore.

However, back in 2020 I had another dream (I have a lot of dreams):

Attending a top university.

If you read my story , you know my background. You know I attended a vocational school. You know how I started to learn English at 18, worked tirelessly and moved through the University of Strasbourg, Birmingham, York and LSE.

On this path, when I discovered that there was some meritocracy in academia and in learning - that I would study and get results - I got hooked.

My dream was to speak English - I worked hard and did that.

My dream was to study aboard - I worked hard and did that.

My dream was to become the top student of the department - I worked hard and did that.

I was literally mind-blown.

It works!

Nonetheless, every time, I would move the singpost.

Okay I can speak English, but can I graduate? Okay I can graduate, but can I be in the top 10 students? Okay, what about the top student? Now can I graduate debt free?...

So, there I was.

Top student of the University of York. Debt free.

Eyeing Oxford.

Trying to balance the pros and cons. The huge investment in time, energy and money. I decided to put an application in.

At that stage, I wasn't sure if I'd go. I applied, and hoped I would make a decision by the time the answer would come. In fact, if I am being completely honest with myself, I was hoping that I wouldn't get in.

To a certain extent, I was tired.

My brother joked that I was tired at 25, but constantly moving around pursuing the next opportunity, working on God-knows how many projects on the side, having to recreate support circles every time, rebuild connections, finance my moves & studies...

It is tiring.

It was time to pause and reflect.

Sometimes, we've had these goals or ideas towards which we've been striving for so long that we're scared of the lack of direction their absence would generate. We're rarely just stopping and thinking about what we really want. We forgot the 'and then what?' of our all-encompassing goals.

Once you have what you thought you wanted, that's when the reflection kicks in. I got invited for an interview.

"Okay, it's there now, do you want it?"

I couldn't just say no.

It says a lot about how we frame our lives with what we think we want. I was stuck, but why?

There's a few things here. I had been telling myself that this was the end-goal of my rising journey for a while. I wanted to see how far I could go. I had had many successes already, each one requiring to be larger for the same amount of dopamine. I saw people I personally helped get in with lower grades, but deeper pockets. I had suffered so much studying insane for years, did I not deserve it?

People thought I was successful, but in fact, I was stuck on a journey bound to end in a train wreck.

We're talking doing a part-time Master's, continue working in London, completely annihilate the house deposit I had saved up, put a strain on my relationships.

Again, why?

One other part of the answer was fear. I was afraid to lose everything I had accomplished. I think many people who've experienced social mobility will relate. But also millennials who've never left the uphill battle. Am I safe now? Am I in a secure spot? Is it enough?

This is often why we keep studying, because we're never graduating.

Yes, we're graduating in the literal sense of the term, we receive a piece of paper and we take pictures with a flat hat. But we're not graduating in the old sense of the term: entering a safe life, with a secure job, affordable housing, and hopefulness for the future.

What's more, you just feel guilty for not pursuing every opportunity to its fullest. All your former friends are in different situations, you've been given all these opportunities. All they require, is hard work and focus. You're stuck between fear and guilt.

This is why people like me keep going.

Yes, we're probably ambitious and all. But a lot of people are. To work 10 years in a row without any reward isn't being ambitious, it's being insecure and scared.

I didn't go to Oxford.

In fact, I didn't get pass the interview.

I was still unrelentingly moving towards the bright light, as flies typically do. I did not prepare, and hoped that faith would spare me.

I am thankful for the answer - when I receive the email, I left a sight of relief.

Don't hesitate to question what you're striving towards, and don't hesitate to put yourself first.