My allyship journey

“Mai akeli hi chali thi, jaanib-e-manzil magar, log saath aate gaye aur kaarwan banta gaya” (Translation: I had started on this journey alone, people kept joining in and a tribe kept building…)

I envision and dream of an equitable and a more humane world. A world where we all see each other from a human lens.

To make this dream a reality, I am happy and grateful to have embarked on my journey of allyship. An ally not just for a particular underrepresented community but to every individual I meet. I am hopeful, driven, and confident that by continuing to work on being a better version of myself I will be able to bring about some change. By being open to unlearning I will make space for newer learning.

My journey of wanting to understand other people the way they would like to be understood started from my childhood when I pondered and dreamt of a world that will let individuals be for who they are.?I felt, and still do, deeply for people who feel lonely or not belonged and who struggle to fit in. It is almost personal for me. Being an introvert in childhood, I know how it feels to not fit in and not included in the frames that society expects individuals to fit in to. I felt closeted (despite being a cis-het female) for the longest during my growing up days. I had tons of self-doubt all the time (That shows up often even now). I used to wonder why people can’t let me be. I wanted to belong and be accepted with all my being. With my dark complexion, with my inability to be an extrovert, without being competitive, without excelling in school. I was constantly benchmarked against people who weren’t all this. I saw these as my personal failures and pushed myself very hard to change. I thought that was the only way to fit in and belong. Back then, as a child, I internalized all these behaviors. Today I am aware that I replicated the same behaviors with people around me.

Acknowledging and accepting my own privileges have been the major turning point for me to start my journey as an ally. I want to use my privileges and experiences to make a difference in whatever way I can.        

Over the last decade when I was reflecting on my life or rather sulking about it, I realized that I was focusing on all the wrong done to me during the childhood. I never reflected on my privileges as much. I had privileges in so many aspects - social, caste, disability, sexual orientation, religion and so many more! Privileges like belonging to an upper caste, having a decent middle-class two-tier city upbringing, going to a convent school, opportunity to afford a graduation from Mumbai, no physical disability and the list goes on. It almost feels like bragging when I count my privileges. If I could feel so closeted despite all my privileges, I cannot even imagine what others, who do not share the same set of privileges or have many more intersectional challenges, might undergo. (Intersectionality is for real!)

Sometimes my privileges seem so much, in comparison, that it feels unfair to have them all.

Acknowledging and accepting my own privileges have been the major turning point for me to start my journey as an ally. I want to use my privileges and experiences to make a difference in whatever way I can.

In the past few years, I have tried to live more consciously and as an ally to myself and to others. Since then, I have experienced a more beautiful world. I have experienced more safe spaces for myself that has helped me heal. I have also been able to provide similar places to others. It has been a very enriching journey. Every connect that I made from the space of allyship has left me feeling grateful and helped me become a better version of myself.

Until a decade ago, I was oblivious to the challenges of most unrepresented groups. This was because my world was shielded with privileges. Only when I started cracking those walls, was I able to see the world for what it is.

I believe that most of us are conditioned to unconsciously feel proud about our privileges and mock others who don’t have them. During my college days, I remember gossiping about girls who might be lesbians. I was so unaware and ignorant. I was just going with the flow trying to fit in with the majority, who also were homophobic. I accept, with shame, that it gave a kick to scout for groups with similar privileges and feel good about mocking the others. Those were the young days and I have forgiven myself.

Later in my professional life, when one of my colleagues and a good friend came out to me, I felt so proud and bloated. On the hindsight I realize that I made it about me. I again accept, with shame, that I outed that colleague to one of my close friends and indirectly on LinkedIn too by tagging him on a post. I felt miserable when I realized my mistake and apologized to him and of course removed the tag. I again forgive myself because I learnt from it.?

I learnt that allyship is not about the ally but about the one you are being an ally to. On this journey, we all will make mistakes, but do not let that deter your support

Since then, I am very conscious of catching myself on how my conditioning might be affecting my behaviors, what can I do to unlearn and then relearn about spaces that I do not experience myself.

I try to learn from the lived experiences. I also seek avenues like reading books and articles on specific topics, having difficult conversations, attending conferences and webinars, investing in relevant trainings, following underrepresented groups on social media, volunteering where I can, being there for people and listening to them without judgement, paying it forward by sharing my knowledge.

I still have a lot of work to do on my beliefs and behaviors. And, to me, that is the exciting part about living! Constantly unlearning and learning to be a better version of myself.

I feel that acknowledging our own privileges and then using them to bring a change is beautiful. Will you join me in this journey of allyship?