5-Steps To Finding Courage When You Are Scared Stiff

Have you ever felt scared stiff? I know I have. In fact, it's a feeling I am quite familiar with.

Heart in my throat. Stomach flip-flopping. Rapid breathing.

Whole-body tensed.

Frear is a gift. It's our body telling our mind: "I don't feel safe. Holy hell, stay right where you are! Alternatively, RUN! Or, get ready to fight!" (i.e., fight, flight, or freeze.)

Fear keeps us safe. And when we are talking about lions, and tigers, and bears, (oh, my!) - safe is a good thing. However, when we are talking about being brave with our lives and our careers - learning something new, changing jobs, having hard conversations, setting boundaries, asking for help, stepping outside our comfort zone- sometimes we let the fear stop us. We let fear hold us back. We armor up. We stay small. We take the path of least resistance.

We avoid feeling vulnerable.

Believe me, I know about vulnerability and playing it safe. There have been plenty of times in my life and my career when I chose not to do something that made me vulnerable.

When you strive to put yourself out there and seek the life you want to live- to have an impact, to serve others, spark change- you will inevitably find yourself experiencing vulnerability and fear. Brené says it well:

"It’s not fear that gets in the way of showing up – it’s armor. It’s the behaviors we use to self-protect." - Brené Brown

So, that begs the question. When you are scared stiff, BUT you know that you must wade through the fear and vulnerability to get to courage... what do you do???

Here is the five-step process I use when I am scared stiff.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEAR

In my career, on a few occasions, I have found myself uniquely positioned to give direct feedback to a leader, feedback I knew they didn't want to hear. However, feedback I knew they needed to make fully informed decisions. One situation jumps to mind like it was yesterday.

I had to give my manager feedback on a decision they made and the ripple effect it was having on me and my colleagues. I knew that they were likely to react defensively and that sharing the feedback could impact our relationship. However, I knew it was important and time-sensitive, so I scheduled a phone call. I remember sitting outside with my phone in my hand, 10 minutes until the call.

I felt scared stiff. My hands were sweating. My stomach was flip-flopping. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I kept running through what I was going to say in my head, imagining the conversation. I felt sick and panicky. I was so afraid to have the conversation!

2. FIND CALM

I knew I wasn't going to be able to think clearly if I couldn't calm my body down. Luckily, I have a few tools in my arsenal for getting to calm. My favorite is going for a run - but I didn't have time for that. So I choose the next best - a yoga trick. I sat down, rolled my shoulders back, closed my eyes, and started breathing, big slow deep breaths. I imagined that my toes were relaxing, my calves, my knees, and so on up to the top of my head. As I focused on breathing, I could feel the edge of the sickness and dread backing off. I tried trick number two - connecting with nature. I looked up into the trees and watched as the leaves danced in the wind. Then finally - trick number three. I thought about three specific things I was grateful for. Research has shown that our brains work better on positive than they do on negative, neutral, or stressed. Trying a few brain hacks to get to your brain to positive is always a good bet when you need the full resources of your mind at work on a problem.

3. ROOT OUT THE FEAR

Feeling better in my physical body, I asked myself - what am I so afraid of? I pulled out a pen and a notebook, and I got real with myself. In quick succession, I started jotting down the things I was scared of, giving myself permission to dump all the fears - founded or unfounded that were ricocheting around my mind.

"I am scared I will get yelled at. I am scared that I won't be able to articulate the feedback. I am scared I will say the wrong thing. I am scared I won't be heard. I am scared they won't care. I am scared they will think I am "too soft" or too emotional. I am scared they will think I am whining. Am I whining? Who am I to give them this feedback? Maybe I'm whining. I don't think this is whining. I am scared they will be mad. I am afraid that this will impact my ability to influence and gain resources for my projects. I am scared they won't like me anymore."

And there it is. Ultimately, at the heart of the issue - I am scared they won't like me. I am scared it will impact the influence I have.

4. ADDRESS THE FEAR

I can usually tell when I hit on the root of my fear. In this case, I had not yet had a tough conversation with this leader before. We had a solid relationship, and I cared about them. And I knew they valued me and my contributions. Up until that moment, we had not yet been out of alignment on anything emotionally charged. I knew giving the feedback would put me squarely out of alignment on what I knew was an emotionally charged situation, and it could drive disconnection in our relationship.

Now, I could address the root of the fear. Worst case scenario - it impacts our relationship negatively. How likely did I think that was? I wasn't sure. How important was it to share the feedback? Was it worth the risk of disconnection? Loss of influence? I stared at my paper and weighed the worst-case scenario in my mind with what might happen if I didn't share my perspective.

I glanced at my watch - I had three minutes left before the call. I knew that it was important to share the feedback. I decided I was going to move forward despite the fear of disconnection that could result.

5. WRITE A NEW STORY or DE-RISK

I didn't have time to de-risk the situation (de-risking includes other tactics and a conversation about privilage- it's a blog post for another day), so I decided to write a new story. I asked myself, what was the bold-case scenario here? ("bold-case" is a brilliant term coined by my friend Spencer). Could I imagine a future where the call goes surprisingly well? Could I lean into curiosity and believe that I might learn something new? Alternatively, imagine the future on the other side of the conversation where the leader and I work together to positively impact our organization and the lives of our colleagues?

Closing my eyes, I imagined how I wanted to feel during the call. I called on my alter ego, Super Yogi. I imagined her sitting next to me, clothed in my favorite yoga gear + superhero cape (hey - whatever gives you courage!). With her beside me, I would be centered, grounded, curious, and willing to own my emotions and bias. I would breathe. I would be open to my leader's experience, point of view, and emotions.

I still felt vulnerable, but with some courage, I picked up the phone and dialed.

Every day we make choices. Sometimes those choices require being brave, feeling scared or vulnerable, and choosing to move forward anyway. To ask for help, to try something new, to create something, to share something, to connect with someone... when we put ourselves out there, we risk getting hurt, we risk vulnerability, we risk feeling shame.

Recently I collaborated with Spencer at Best Monday Ever on a courage-building loop. We created a set of activities that you can do to help you address your fears and get to courage. Watch the recording of our live session and view the drills here!

If you are interested in learning more courage-building skills, join me on October 29 and 30 for a full Dare to Lead?workshop based on the research of Brené Brown. The workshop will be facilitated by myself and my fellow Certified Dare to Lead?Faciliator Jason p Carroll.

I suppose you are wondering what happened with my leader and the phone call. Approaching with curiosity and vulnerability set the tone for the conversation, and we both walked away with food for thought. I had a vulnerability hangover after the conversation and felt a little awkward the next time we spoke, but ultimately it brought us closer. They knew they could count on me to be honest with them. I knew they would take the time to engage with me on tough issues and create the space for my perspective and my questions.

Share your own scared stiff to courage experiences in the comments below!