My 2005 Story About College Is Chillingly Relevant Today

I found this satirical short story that I wrote in 2005 recently online. The sad thing is, it still holds up!

Graduation Days

It’s nearly that time of the year again, when Pomp and Circumstance echoes through the newly blossomed tree lined streets, and oodles of spirited graduates ascend to the top of stages across the country to receive their hard-earned diplomas.

Philosophy majors will have no problem at all finding a niche for their highly sought after skills. Rochester’s Downtown Philosophy Factory, the city’s largest employer behind Kodak, churns out millions of pounds of steaming hot rhetoric on a daily basis.

English majors are in high demand as well.

“We like our waiters and bus boys to be literate,” said Charles Dufrane, Manager of a local Red Lobster. “Just in case a masked gunman holds us hostage and wants to know the earlier works of Milton, we’ll be prepared. The guys at Applebee’s won’t.”

And that’s not all. According to Jim Hamilton of the County’s Employment Bureau, “any student of the Humanities can look forward to a promising career in either the food service industry or the circus.”

Adrienne Kowalsky, a Vassar graduate with a BFA in 19th Century History, is now a lion tamer with Barnum and Bailey. Did the skills she learned in college equip her for the challenges of the “real world”? She answered us from her top floor Penthouse on the Upper West side of Manhattan.

“Sure,” says Ms. Kowalsky, “I remember back in school, I was taking a class called ‘Early American Foreign Policy’. And as I sat there taking notes, I thought to myself, ‘this is really a lot like sticking my head in the mouth of a 500 pound jungle cat.’”

As promising as things look for these graduates, others may not fare as well. Graduates with degrees in “law”, “medicine”, and “business” are notoriously hard to employ.

Patrick Umber, a recent graduate of Yale law school, expresses his discontent. 

“I go to any employer, and they look at me like I just fell off the looney wagon. Nobody wants our services.”

Sad, but true. America is known throughout the world as a place practically devoid of frivolous lawsuits. Businesses always conduct themselves impeccably, leaving little reason for, or enforcement of, contracts. And, hence, little reason to hire these miscreant “lawyers”.

Mr. Umber lives in a box downtown, across from the abandoned cracker factory. His voice is filled with righteous indignation. 

“You know, lawyers are people, too. And, okay, it may be a phony major, but man… I could really use some food.”

Would be “doctors” aren’t doing much better. 

“Everyone is so *$!^% healthy around here!” cries Dan Devries, a resident at Strong Memorial Hospital. “There’s nothing for us to do!” 

Devries cites America’s notoriously low calorie, balanced, and restrained diet for the job scarcity, as well as a decrease in the use of pharmaceutical drugs and elective plastic surgery.

For other graduates unsure of exactly what to do with their college diplomas, Pam Richardson of The West Coast Learning Institute has some good suggestions. 

“Most diplomas are good, thick stock, usually 24 or 26 pound paper. If you fold it correctly, you can make a hell of a paper airplane.”

Ms. Richardson also suggests using your diploma as a napkin, a handy “note pad” for jotting down important messages and telephone numbers, or as a fashionable bonnet. “If you have a friend or two,” she adds, “you can staple the diplomas together and make a really neat fort. You can pretend it is an igloo.”