My 18 year love/hate relationship

Dear L,

Our relationship has been a bumpy one over the years.

I remember when I first came across you - I was just a na?ve 15-year-old girl with big dreams of changing the world. I thought I would do that through becoming a teacher as I had the most amazing teachers growing up. But then I was introduced to you and my perspective shifted. When I saw what you could do and how you could help me become a voice for the voiceless, I was hooked and you became the prize.

I continued to pursue you at university and when I graduated, I thought we were destined to go help refugees and people in vulnerable situations together. However, I was advised against it – my mentors said get some proper corporate training first and then you’ll be better equipped.

So, I listened. One year turned into two and I became restless. I needed some kind of creative stimulus which you just couldn’t provide for me so I looked elsewhere and fell in love with entrepreneurship. I knew my love for you was waning when I couldn’t wait to leave you behind so I could spend my nights on my creative projects.

Despite all that, I tried to spice things up again by moving into a place with you where I thought we could both thrive together. Unfortunately, here, you were different – you were harsh, unloving and unkind. 6 months in, I thought we were done but I had nowhere else to go and I felt ashamed for walking away from something I had given so much of my life to. I stuck it out for as long as I could until my body had enough.

It was at that point that I thought I had closed the door to you forever – I hated what you had done to me and I vowed to never return except to be a catalyst for change. A fire burned within to make sure that no one had to experience what I went through when they encountered you.

I tried to masked the fact that I had been with you, I tried to forge my own path without bringing you up however, I didn’t realise how much our last encounter had broken me until I couldn’t get out of bed for days, depression and anxiety dominating my thoughts.

After I started getting help, someone else in my life needed me to step up to look after them and despite my reluctance, I knew that having you in my life again (but in a different context) would help that process. Begrudgingly, I gave you a few days a week of my time. The weeks turned into months and after a while, I realised that you gave me a level of stability, security and structure back into my life that I really needed at that point in time.

Because of you, I was able to start dreaming again. I had the support I needed to get myself back on my feet and helped me recover my energy, zest for life. Now that I have better boundaries around my time, I can finally appreciate you for the good that you can still bring into the world. What I discovered was that it wasn’t you that was bad, it was the context and environment that you were in that affected my perception of you. Now I know what it really looks like to flourish in the law. And now because we are back together, I have the opportunity to share it with others.

Thank you, "Law".

Also: Thank you to the Eastern Solicitors Law Association for inviting me to share at on the topic of "Burn Bright Not Out in the Law" at your first event for 2023 - details in the link below.