Musings: Your fear of opinions is costly

When my 4-year-old recently told me, “Mama, someone said my teeth look big,” my first instinct was to reassure him that being different is okay. I started to say, “We are all made different and—” but stopped myself.

“That’s an interesting observation,” I said instead. “Why do you think he cared so much about the size of your teeth?” My son stared at me, puzzled. I continued, “He must really think about his own teeth a lot if he’s so concerned with yours. But in the end, only one thing matters when it comes to your teeth — and it isn’t anyone’s opinion. It’s that you brush them, right?” He nodded. “Well, that’s great. Different things matter to different people. What matters to you?”

As I spoke, I remembered myself at twelve, hearing that I had “big hands” or a “big nose.” Strange comments — not outright insults, but odd enough to make me second-guess my own features.

We inherit our sense of self and emotional regulation abilities from our parents. I’ve written about emotional intelligence as a kind of silent generational wealth.

Many founders I meet are emotionally grounded, confident, and unfazed by others’ opinions. This is important because the opportunity cost of judgment is enormous.

Deciding not to start the company, publish the Substack, launch the podcast, or pursue any endeavor because of others’ opinions can lead to missed opportunities you may never fully calculate.

Behavior mirroring, also known as the chameleon effect, is a phenomenon where we subconsciously imitate another person’s behaviors, gestures, postures, and tone during social interactions. As children grow, parents become their first and most influential mirrors.

So, to get really specific — where I landed on the chart above is where my 4 year old would have met me. I started at level 7 — trying to reinforce contentment in him. And quickly switched to level 1 — where he is free of the opinion of others.

The Abraham Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale is meant to be used as a tool to feel better, where you:

1. Identify your current emotion
2. Reach for a slightly better feeling
3. Practice thought reframing

As I think about my four-year-old, I want him to develop a deep sense of self that remains steadfast despite admiration, mockery, or adoration as he grows. I hope he can manage his reactions to others’ opinions effectively. The higher he starts on the Emotional Guidance Scale, the longer it will take for him to descend into feelings of despair or self-hate. And I can influence his emotional baseline.

Anyways, I loved the scale pictured above. Remember, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Including emotionally.

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