Musings of an average leader

When you take on a leadership position, forget all the grandiose vision of what you wish to achieve. One man cannot achieve it all, you need the help of a team. To have a team, you need people with similar goals and aims. You also need to know them and them to know you for some time. You build a self-sustaining team and it runs. Each person knowing their own role and performing to the best of their abilities.

Disruption comes in the form of culture difference, personality differences and also alignment. Like a defect in the material, there will be an inherent weakness in the overall mechanical property if an incompatible particle is introduced.

Yet, it might not be all bad. Sometimes, in cases of doping in photovoltaics, you might get better than expected properties if you introduce the correct foreign ingredient.

So it is really a matter of the right match for the right place. No point squaring a circle or circling a square. It ends up in heartache and pain for all involved.

Increasingly as a leader, I am speaking less. Knowing that the more I say, the more I might be misconstrued. Words can be twisted. Once it is out of your mouth and goes through a secondary interpretation or even tertiary interpretation, things can do totally out of context. I am growing towards being an average leader and cannot go beyond. I like the times when I am not the decision maker. Because the current system makes the decision maker bend over backwards for the people. I try to be nice but get taken advantage of. I become fearful of people shooting unsubstantiated comments to my bosses and beyond. I am running around doing things which I think is good for the organization but it might not be good to the people who are not performing well. I lose good people because they see the slackers remaining in the organization and they feel unfairly treated.

I am told to be patient and yet deliver. I (think) I have to achieve but I cannot be a slave driver. I am told I have support but really I am fighting alone. I am told I have backup but my backups offer lip service. Everyone just sees their piece of job to fulfil, but never the big picture.

Somewhere along the line, while doing all these, I forgot about one important person. I forgot about myself. I feel unbalanced taking on multiple jobs and never seeking extra remuneration. I work in the name of national service, like a small percentage of the people in my organization. I forgot how to demand for what I really want, until I see various characters raise their requests. Sometimes when I am short of confidence, I ask myself. Why are they getting all these? Why am I not? Are they really better? I don't think so. I am grown organically, from within. We move mountains to attract the best from outside. We give opportunities to the young like no other time in the history of our organization. I seem to have missed all these.

I do not have much more aspiration to climb because I do not think I will enjoy the world up there. I am rarely happy now, other than the rare times I get to spend thinking about science and gels. I get frustrated easily because I want to move things, but the darn thing is too heavy to move by myself. I am also not getting help. I can lift weights but don't give me a sponge and make me walk in the rain. It feels light at first but it will tie me down eventually.

So I am turning into the average leader. Take the middle road. The safest option. Don't get into trouble. Forget about being number one for number one is non-attainable. Let things be. Kick the can down the road, for the problem will be another person's problem in the future. The kind of leader that I never wanted to be.

What's in it for me? Plan more for myself? I do not expect anyone to plan for me nor do I think that all is "taken care" of. I have the deepest appreciation of how much the organization has done for me. I started from a really low base to come to where I am today. By right, I should be grateful. I am. However, it is human to make comparisons. And I do. But I do not want to face the crap that I am facing and yet smile and say everything is ok. If I had the chance to advise any one of you. Some of you have written to me to ask me how I got to where I am. Some have asked me with I give talks on how I progressed in my career. It is to be what you are good at and not deviate from what you are good at. Never just look at a position and think it is all glory and glittering. Look beyond the role. Handling people is one of the toughest jobs. Handling hundreds of people is even harder. Handling hundreds of highly qualified people is next to impossible. Do not try it unless you want to play with fire. Do this role if you are prepared to be a slave of the people. To always bend backwards for all their needs. To be able to take the responsibility for the mistakes. To be able to give credits to others when there is success. To able to forget about yourself. My main advice though will be: Always do the work that you are happiest with and then it becomes slightly more sustainable in the long run.