Museletter the Sixty-ninth

What my wife sees and few others do is that I'm sometimes down*, mentally/emotionally. This is surprising to people, because I tend to be very "up" when in conversation or in meetings. That's not because I'm hiding my feelings, but rather for reasons that will become clear in a moment.

After watching myself for a few years, I have come up with a catalog of six situations that inevitably bring me down. I share them here in hope that they may strike a chord with you, or that you'll find this useful in some way.

• I don't feel well physically. This is often because I'm not drinking enough water, not exercising regularly, eating crappy food, not sleeping well, etc.
• I feel like there are no options. The sense of obligation, or that I have only bad choices, is like being stuck in a mire.
• Being overwhelmed. This is among my most common problems: losing track of my priorities, typically because there's just so much on my plate. This leaves me feeling like I don't know what to do next, or even that I don't feel qualified/skilled to do it.
• Too little role relief. If you think of yourself as having many "roles" in life (manager, child, parent, worker, spouse, etc.), then it's easy to see how playing any one role for too long, or having to switch between roles too quickly, could become exhausting. You can create "role relief" by taking time out to watch a movie, read a book, play music or a game, or even just work on something completely different.
• Loss. The loss of something or someone is going to generate grief that requires time and attention. Denying that is like denying yourself water or food.
• Dissociation. When I forget that I'm connected to something much bigger than me, my emotions go into freefall. I need daily reminders that I'm part of a community, an ecosystem, or even something more comprehensive. (I believe the word spirituality, at its essence, simply means "connected" or "remembering that which unites us all.")

So now, when I wake up to find that I just don't want to get out of bed, I can do something about it: Step one is self-soothe ("it's okay, this is normal"); step two is analyzing which one (or more) of the above is going on; step three is coming up with a plan.

Maybe I need to sit down and make a list and prioritize it. Maybe I need to get out of an obligation or change the terms. Maybe I need to just lay off the fried food and remember to take a nap! Or maybe I need to take a mental health day and grieve.

But the one thing that helps more than any other is finding a way to connect: with myself, with nature, with people, with a sense of whatever that thing is that's bigger than all of us and which we're part of. I think that's one reason I perk up when in conversation: I can't help but recognize a kindred spirit, another soul on the road, and I'm reminded that it's good to be a part of something, and that there are options.

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*Note: I prefer the term "down" to "depressed," because the latter has an important clinical definition. If you find yourself unable to smile for more than a couple days, or have frequent thoughts of self-harm, those are clues that you should consult a professional.

Get in the Flow

I love that feeling when I'm so focused on a task or activity that I forget about everything else —?not only do I lose track of time, I'll even lose track of my sense of self! It might be work or play, or could be joyous or intense, but it's always deeply rewarding.

In the 1970s, this phenomenon was explored by research psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. (I know his name seems impossible to pronounce, but it's something like: "chick-sent-mee-hali".) He described this amazing feeling as being in a "flow state."

Note that "flow" isn't just "getting caught up in something" — it's much richer than that. Csikszentmihalyi described it as "a sense of exhilaration, a deep sense of enjoyment that is long cherished and that becomes a landmark in memory for what life should be like."

Even better, he found a way to graph when you're likely to fall into a flow state. Consider how hard a task is, and your skill level at the that task:

?? If it's a difficult task, and you don't have the skills for it, it's overwhelming and scary.

?? If the task is easy and you're overqualified, it's boring.

?? But if the task is challenging, and you're right at the edge of your competence — like, you know you can do it, but not without a lot of focus —?then you're most likely to find yourself dipping into a flow state.

Thank You!

I enjoy sharing my musings… and I enjoy hearing yours! Please share this newsletter with a friend,?follow me on LinkedIn, and send me feedback. You can always reach me at [email protected]