Mum : A Retired Nurse Who Never Retires
(This story is dedicated to all nurses who show up everyday.)
My mother has been a nurse all her life. That's over 40 years spent doing the same thing over and over again.
You Don't Need To Speak The Same Language To Care For Others
Not knowing a single word of English, she went to London to study nursing with her bell bottoms and pig tails.
Her pronunciation was always a good source of entertainment for fellow doctors and nurses in England. Did they ask for a "green" blanket or a "clean" blanket? Who knows? These jokes did not stop her from becoming a nurse. She moved to Singapore with my father and found work in a maternity hospital.
But You Need To Be A Multitasking Fairy Godmother
In those days, nurses did just about everything - from caring for a nursery filled with screaming babies, to guiding new mothers through breastfeeding and swaddling, to moving patients across beds and wards, to serving food and beverage, to writing case notes on a clipboard. There was always something or someone demanding her attention.
As you can imagine, it was and still is hard work. Morning shifts went from 730am to 230pm, while afternoon shifts went from 230pm to 930pm. The remaining hours were covered by the night shift.
Of all the duties she had, she was most at ease in the nursery and most distressed in front of a computer or mobile device. She could deal with 40 babies but not technology. Technology was not her friend. Super ironic considering how her husband and daughter spent years delivering technology solutions, including those used by hospitals. We chuckled each time she complained about her trainers knowing her trainers were probably complaining about the trainees as well.
You Don't Need To Be A Computer Expert
Fortunately, like many companies, hospitals tried creating more defined roles and invested in technology so nurses could focus on the customers (the patients). Administrators took over tasks involving logging admissions and transfers into the systems. Beds were designed to help patients sit up independently. Incremental efforts like these made the nurses' lives more bearable.
When hospitals were done improving the obvious, they shifted their focus to passing their own versions of audit and competing to delivering more superior patient experience. "Remember to face the camera so it films you washing up correctly."?Nurses are trained regularly on new and improved protocols after work. Mum couldn't deal with the soft copies of hundreds of pages so paper copies of training material were printed specially for her. She had to sit through lessons conducted after work to pass exams.
But You Need To Be On Standby Much Like Your IT Support Team
Nursing life was hard. I remember running around the maternity wards while waiting for mum to be finally done with work. I shared my mother with other nurses who grew under her wing. They called her "Mama Chow". She would always prepare Chinese New Year snacks for nurses who were working away from the families.
As one of the last remaining long serving nurses, mum was entrusted with training new nurses on the job. Alas the hard work was too much for most. Weeks spent on getting nurses up to speed with techniques and protocols were often in vain. New nurses left before they could work independently.
The hospital management turned to agency nurses, and tried their luck at appealing to nurses to work on their only day off a week on short notice. Our landline used to ring at the wee hours of the morning. They hoped she would say yes on short notice at 5+ am to showing up for work at 7:30am the same morning. It would have taken her almost one and a half hours to get to work by bus so after several failed attempts, they learned to only call her up for the afternoon or night shifts.
You May Not Be In The Best Of Health
Just writing down these memories is exhausting. Mum was getting old, entering her 60s, and succumbing to her body's call for rest. She handed in her resignation a couple of times only to rescind each time they looked helpless and in dire need of nurses. They agreed to her request to switch to working 3 to 4 days a week which seemed to work well for her. She smiled a lot more, complained a lot less, and could spend time with her only grandson for his initial years.
Sadly those days didn't last. The hospital struggled to deal with scheduling nurses - full-time, part-time and agency. They dealt her an ultimatum - either work full-time again or retire. She stayed of course.
But You Need To Muster Enough Energy To Keep Going Every Single Day
But no amount of rest from the days of working part-time could prepare her aging body for full-time work. She had bodybuilder calves from all the walking and standing she had to do but her steps were noticeably smaller and slower. She was never awake or home each time I was over. It was either the hospital or asleep at home. I honestly felt she had no energy to express her disappointment when she could no longer witness Ethan's antics.
Then came COVID-19... All hospital personnel were told they were to be prepared for 12-hour shifts and no days off. That sent off her distress alarm. She knew her body was not up for it. While they eventually did away with the 12-hour shifts, she suffered a stroke at work. In her words, her jaw froze and she struggled to speak for a few minutes. By some strange miracle, she managed to continue with her work and commute by bus home.
You Don't Need To Be A Doctor
Being medically trained, she suspected she may have suffered a stroke. One night, she told my sister she had problems pronouncing words all while missing her dentures. Remember the "clean" or "green" example? You could understand why my sister wondered if there was anything wrong. Nonetheless, she called to schedule an appointment to have her checked out.
The doctor could see her the next day and all days after but my mum replied instinctively, "I need to work tomorrow." My sister glared at her, hit the mute button, and said, "You suspect you have a stroke and you still want to go to work?" That's mum for you - dedicated and considerate even when she was ill and needed to be cared for.
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But You Need To Know When It's Time For Self Care
She did suffer a stroke. As COVID was still around, hospitals were stretched and visits were limited. They had her lie along the corridor in the A&E department overnight before she demanded to return home if there was no way she could stay in a regular ward with doctors or nurses checking in on her. While everyone at home was furious, mum was still trying to explain why she was treated or rather not treated that way - left to care for herself with minimal supervision.
For a stroke, they were only going to grant her 2 weeks of medical leave. Did they think nurses were made of steel? Dad appealed of course and made a couple of trips to the hospitals on her behalf to extend her medical leave and tender her resignation for the last time.
The hospital tried to persuade dad and mum with an offer for a part-time role. They insisted they had part-time options available. Surprise, surprise. She was working part-time till they said "No". This latest offer filled us with disgust. At 69, mum left her lifelong nursing career to prioritise her own health for the first time in her life.
You May Not Be A Full-Time Nurse
A few months later, my cousin welcomed his first child. Grandparents from Malaysia were sadly unable to visit due to COVID restrictions. The new mother had lost sensation in one of her legs following the birth of her child. I made a trip to the hospital to carry the baby while my cousin helped support his wife home.
As the cab pulled up, we noticed a familiar face. Mum surprised us by showing up alone at the driveway. She had struggled with finding the confidence to venture out of familiar territory since her stroke. But here she was, out of her comfort zone, offering the new mum her walking frame and quiet time to settle back home while she settled the baby like a true pro.
But That Doesn't Stop You From Caring For Others In Need
That's Mum for you - always ready to put others before herself. She always managed to find strength in caring for others even in her weakest moments. She may never be able to care for 40 babies and 40 mummies at a go, but she can certainly care for 1 baby and 1 mummy one day at a time.
(Relentless wailing awaits the new parents)
(1 minute later, silence in the arms of Mama Chow)
(1 minute later, baby sleeps soundly with no diaper change and milk)
Be Kind To Nurses & People Who Fancy Working At Their One True Calling For Their Entire Lives
I was overwhelmed by rage for months. For a large part, I was mad because we're talking about my mum here. But another part of me was disturbed by how the system as a whole had failed. It has failed to treat nurses like people. Nurses were made to feel just as dispensable as any other person on the street.
It is a vicious circle ... keep their salaries steady and low (after over 40 years, mum earned as much as I did in my 3rd year of work) ... bring in more agency nurses to compensate for the lack of full-time nurses ... call the nurses on late notice ... avoid part-time work arrangements to ease scheduling ... more nurses leave the noble profession ... Perhaps it was simpler to just treat nurses like human beings - people who age, and so require more rest as they age but would love to stay employed to mentally active with their friends at work.
Mum never had the desire to be promoted. She didn't fancy a high salary. She was quite happy helping new mothers and junior nurses at their most vulnerable for as long as she worked. She looked forward to her rest days and a simple life. Not too different from many people we see around us.
Half a year since her stroke, my family decided it was time to have an open conversation about the "unthinkable" despite her steady recovery. No child wishes for parents to be unwell and one day gone. But it's inevitable and rather than act on our version of their best interests, it's better they tell us while they speak and think rationally.
With an independent social worker guiding conversations, we spoke of:
It's a little like planning how we retire from life. Something we probably don't do enough of at work - speak of our greatest fears, who we want around us when we are at our most vulnerable, how we will like to go about our days when we age, how we will like to be saved if at all, how we will like leave with dignity, who gets to decide how we leave.
All very heavy emotions to process then and even as I write this article. My parents were pretty calm in contrast. I am so grateful for the social worker for leading the conversations to clear actions we can take forward.
It took a pandemic to nudge us into recognising the people we took for granted everyday. They were expected to show up deeply passionate about serving - rain or shine, in sickness or in health till one day their bodies say "NO".
What happens to those who silently make the world go round behind-the-scenes - those who give so much of themselves expecting little in return? Have we created a safe place for them to live their passion, age gracefully, and leave with dignity? The truth is we haven't but it's time we created a more human workplace by normalising retirement planning discussions and consciously creating alternate work arrangements, roles and pathways for those who love what they do for the rest of their lives.
To All Nurses Who Have Fought A Hard Battle, Be Well.
There is no shame in prioritising health and life.
Mum may have retired from the front line but she has and will always be the strong loving nurse who cares tirelessly for her friends and family in ways she still can. Enjoy your restful life ahead
As his dearest grandson aptly says, "I have 2 Mama's - Mama and Grandma". Enjoy your motherhood, Ma.