Much a-poo about immigration

Peace on Earth and good will to all men, except those earning less than ￡38k. There's no room at the Good Inn Blighty (but plenty of coal to line your stocking if Cop 28 plays out.)

On the day I submitted my own application for Indefinite Leave to Remain, Home Secretary and Danger Mouse sidekick James Cleverly announced a cartoonish plan to "curb abuse of the immigration system".

"This package will mean around 300,000 people who came to the UK last year would now not be able to come," said Cleverly less cleverly than he thinks he did. "The package of measures will end the high numbers of dependents coming to the UK, increase the minimum salaries that overseas workers and British or settled people sponsoring family members must earn, and tackle exploitation across the immigration system." Seasons bleatings from the Party of Vibes.

It's not entirely clear how, exactly, pricing out British families and businesses tackles "exploitation of the immigration system," when they're only guilty of the heinous charge of following rules the government itself came up with. It's like telling Jack Grealish he's exploiting Tottenham's right to win football matches by scoring goals against them. But for a government notorious for own goals, that probably tracks.

Currently, to sponsor a partner here on Normal Island, a Normal Islander or settled person has to meet financial requirements and demonstrate earnings of ￡18,600. From recent personal experience, this involves submitting your last six payslips, a P60, employment contract, bank statements, and a letter from your employer. A partridge in a pear tree would be deemed inadmissible, unless it can cough up cash savings of ￡62,500 in lieu of the above.

From "next Spring," the so-called period of renewal, the minimum income requirements will shoot up to ￡38,700, more than double the current threshold. Well, hey, at least that'll empty an inbox or two... I'm sorry, I'm just being told to pony up more iCloud storage. "What's is clearer, is that the new minimum financial requirement [...] is likely to lead to a significant increase in both human rights-based applications and immigration appeals," writes immigration barrister Catherine Taroni. Better spring for the 2TB plan, but get an Apple TV subscription, 'cause we could be waiting a while.

But ackshully, the answer has been hiding in plain sight. Tory backbencher Sir John Hayes, who's wondering if you're going to finish them spuds, told World at One on Radio 4 that a fix was simple. "The solution is to employ British workers for British jobs. It's not that complicated."

Quite so. In fact, let's get ChatGPT to whip up a Python script that'll let us right-click on the country and select "Add More Brits". It'll be like playing Lemmings, but the cliff face is taller and far more fiscal.

Talk around the Reddit cooler is that this is part of a diabolical Tory scheme to shit the bed for the coming Labour government. They'll stand on the opposition benches with their noses pinched and cry "Pee-eww! Look what Sir Kier did to the nation's duvet!" It's a work of genius until you realise somebody will have to clean it up, though the most likely candidates are stuck in the Philippines because they can't afford to bring their kids in.

Still, I don't blame the Tories for dropping trou and laying an immigration plop for Starmer to scoop up. Plan B involves 'hard work' and 'compassion', which is anathema for anyone with designs on being Home Secretary. And picking up shit isn't on the shortage occupation list anyway, even though we've all had a go doing it since 2010.

Are two full paragraphs of shit references enough? How about a turd. In 2022, about 5,400 social workers in the UK whipped off their bibs and quit their jobs, a 9% rise on the previous year. Meanwhile, care vacancies rose 21% on the previous 12 months.

In a 2021 survey for an RESSCW study, care workers reported experiencing increased workloads, financial difficulties because of poor support when self-isolating or off sick, and high stress levels. Easy with the Air Wick, bucko. How else are they going to get a whiff of that sweet employer branding?

"People don’t necessarily want to leave social work," says Ruth Allen, chief executive of the British Association of Social Workers, "but they want to leave the frontline because the expectations and legal and statutory responsibilities are not matched by the resources."

Let's get proper smashed on that then, shall we?

"A quarter of care workers had experienced abuse during the pandemic, rising to 40% of those from a minority ethnic background. Unsurprisingly, another survey found that a majority of care workers felt undervalued and neglected."

This is just a single example of a vital public service increasingly reliant on migrant labour, with a workforce similarly depressed by what care work involves in Rishi Sunak's Britain. I'm glad the population isn't aging, or that the NHS isn't chronically understaffed, that'd be embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as an own goal, but pretty bad.

Or did I just shit the bed on that one too?