Mr. Not Nice was treating her differently because she's a woman...

Let's talk about sexism.

I recently went on a sweaty summer hike with a good friend that I hadn't seen in months. Despite living less than an hour apart, we find it nearly impossible to get on each other's calendars unless we plan something eight weeks out, but we finally made it happen and we had SO much to catch up on.

Let's call this friend Darla. During our hike, Darla divulged that things were "not great at work." I knew that Darla's company had gone through a major change in ownership structure, so I wasn't surprised to hear that there were challenges. Having experienced multiple acquisitions myself, I'm well aware that these things don't dance along without the occasional misstep. Being her good friend and also a curious person, especially when it comes to matters of women in business, I asked Darla to dig into the details.

Darla shared that one of her new coworkers wasn't very nice. She may have used other choice words, but for the sake of brevity and decorum, we'll keep it at that. There were a few examples provided to illustrate the not niceness that this person exhibited, but the one that grabbed my attention most intensely was that Darla believed this person was treating her differently than her business partner.

Darla is a woman. Darla's business partner is a man.

The not nice person? You guessed it! Also a man.

Men in the corporate space treating anyone that is NOT cisgender male differently is hardly a novel event, and while I think it's critical to continue shining a big, bright, WTF light on that form of discrimination and oppression, what I'd like to focus on with this post is Darla's perspective.

You see, Darla presented her experience and thoughts with a bit of self-doubt. Words were used such as "think", "pretty sure", "almost positive", and while each of these point in the confirmatory direction that she is in fact experiencing discrimination, none indicate certainty.

As an outsider listening to her story, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that Mr. Not Nice was treating her differently because she's a woman. I could have interrupted her and fiercely shouted as much in her face, shaking her shoulders to say "OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENING!!", but instead I chose to keep quiet and keep listening.

What I heard made me sad. It made me sad because in the past I had performed the same mental gymnastics - "Is it really because I'm a woman? Maybe I just don't have as much experience. Maybe I haven't shown what I can do yet. Maybe they just need time to trust me. Maybe I haven't spoken up enough."

Bull. Shit.

We women do this to ourselves. We question, we doubt, we make excuses. We do this because we've grown up in a world where despite some solid progress in recent history, the patriarchal programming on which society is built is REALLY FUCKING hard to escape.

Women in the corporate world are especially plagued by this mindset meltdown because we believe that in order to climb that ladder and break through that glass ceiling, we need to "act more like men." And if that's the story we're telling ourselves, we will continue to look inward and think that Mr. Not Nice is treating us differently because of something that we've done wrong instead of completely, confidently, and courageously claiming "SEXISM".

Darla got there during our hike. After some good thinking out loud fueled by exercise endorphins, Darla completely, confidently, and courageously claimed that Mr. Not Nice was treating her differently than her business partner because of her gender.

Darla is also confidently and courageously making big, bold moves to exit this toxic situation and build her OWN BUSINESS.

GO DARLA GO!!

If you are a woman or gender minority and you believe that someone in your workplace is treating you differently because of your gender identity, I want to encourage you to trust your gut. That person may not be malicious in their actions and they may not even realize that they're doing so, but it's not your responsibility to make that assessment. You are only responsible for yourself, and if you are experiencing discomfort, anxiety or any other negative feelings because of the dynamic in which you find yourself, YOU have the power to choose what's next. Talk to HR, talk to your partner, talk to a friend, get those feelings out, and make a plan for how you would like to move forward. That plan may not always include a GLORIOUS exit to build a new life as Darla is doing, and that's okay. You do what's best for YOU. Do what will ensure that YOU feel respected, valued, and safe.

Not sure who to talk to? Message me.

With love, Coach Sarah.