Motivation, Communication, and Team Dynamics

Recently, a dear friend of mine suggested that I share my experiences as a neurodiverse adult with ADHD with a particular focus in relation to motivating my own neurodiverse sons. I will use the term, ‘young people’ as I continue to refer to those I advocate for. He further asked that I communicate my expectations as an adult as I write. Jake is American, so I do hope that as I spell in the UK version, he does not become annoyed. (Tire / Tyre)

As a family, we strive to be proactive in all that we do. Notice the word ‘strive’. This ever-changing journey; a journey nonetheless, has taught my wife and I invaluable lessons about teamwork, motivation and the unique strengths of our neurodiverse young people.

PROACTIVITY

Understanding the power of proactivity has been one of the most significant challenges. It’s not just about getting things done; it’s about contributing to a collective goal and understanding how each person’s efforts can impact the whole team.

I often explain to my sons that being proactive is like that of being a vgear in a ‘well-oiled machine’; you've heard this before? Nevertheless, if one of those gear stops working, it affects the entire machine. Similarly, when they choose not to participate or contribute proactively, it can impact the entire family or team. It’s not about assigning blame, but rather about understanding the interconnectedness of their actions.

MOTIVATION

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” - Nelson Mandela

Motivating neurodiverse young people; even adults, can require a different approach each time or each person. Neurodiverse individuals often have deep, passionate interests. I’ve found that tying tasks or responsibilities to these interests can be a powerful motivator.

Large tasks will seem overwhelming. Breaking them down into smaller, manageable parts can make them seem less daunting and more achievable.

A predictable routine can provide a sense of security and make it easier to tackle tasks proactively. Recognising and celebrating small achievements can boost motivation and self-esteem. Teaching them to advocate for themselves and their needs can empower them to be more proactive. You’ve heard this all before, right? Are you doing it though?

COMMUNICATION

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.” - Stephen King

Clear, concise, correct and consistent communication is key. I make it a point to express my expectations in a way that my young people can understand. This involves using simple language, providing concrete examples, and repeating important points for emphasis. I know that as I continue to do this unconsciously with atypical adults, I can see their frustration in me until I realise. I don’t apologise for this though. I can’t! I’m advocating for myself too. Listening is just as important as speaking, yet an important part of communication. I strive to understand my young person’s perspectives, validate their feelings (it is often more than one) and acknowledge their efforts. This empathetic approach fosters an environment of mutual respect and understanding. As an adult, it’s crucial to set realistic expectations. I understand that my young people, like all individuals, have their strengths and weaknesses. I try to set expectations that challenge them but are still within their capabilities.

I encourage young people to express their thoughts and feelings. This open dialogue allows us to address any concerns or misunderstandings promptly. Give them an extra minute or two. It also empowers young people to voice their opinions and contribute to family decisions. Lastly, I believe in leading by example (oh dear). As an adult, I aim to model the behaviour I expect from my sons and young people alike. This includes being proactive, working as a team, motivated and showing empathy towards others even when its difficult.

EXAMPLE

Last weekend, my friend Jake and his sons had the opportunity to attend the Robotics World’s Competition in Dallas, Texas. Jake shared that while the event was an incredible experience for everyone, it also underscored some of the unique challenges they face as a neurodiverse family.

Jake observed that the team dynamics were heavily influenced by the robot’s driver, who took charge of everything. This driver happened to be best friends with one of Jake’s sons. However, Jake’s other son, who didn’t share the same close relationship with the teammates, adopted a more passive role. He was content to wait for instructions rather than taking initiative.

This situation served as a real-life illustration for Jake of the importance of proactivity and the impact of its absence on team dynamics. Interestingly, his son seemed to prefer being an unseen team member. During the event, they started listening to a live session talk on “Leadership and Self Deception,” which his son found engaging. They also enjoyed the “Atomic Habits” talk.

These talks resonated well with his son’s objectives for the day and reinforced the concepts that Jake and his family had been discussing over the past few days. They provided practical strategies for improving team dynamics and personal motivation, aligning perfectly with what Jake was hoping to encourage. This experience highlighted the importance of routine, consistency, and relevance.

Reflecting on this situation, Jake, like many parents, found himself questioning, “Am I trying to impose my own desires and needs onto him?” This introspection is a crucial part of understanding and supporting neurodiverse individuals, whether they are family members or colleagues in the workplace. It’s about recognizing their unique perspectives and adapting our expectations and communication styles to support their growth and success.

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” - Helen Keller

ROUTINE

Routine plays a significant role in managing expectations, especially in a neurodiverse family setting. Routine provides a predictable structure that can help reduce anxiety and stress. Knowing what to expect and when to expect it can provide a sense of security and control. Routine can help young people become more independent. Once they understand the routine, they can begin to take responsibility for certain tasks, which can boost their confidence and self-esteem. Routine can help young people understand the concept of time and improve their time management skills. They learn to anticipate what comes next and how long different tasks take. Routine sets clear expectations for what needs to be done and when. This can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

As for communication preferences, it can vary greatly among neurodiverse young people. Some young people might prefer direct and clear instructions, while others might need more visual aids or demonstrations. Some might need more time to process information, while others might prefer to have information broken down into smaller, manageable chunks. In my experience, it’s crucial to observe and understand each young person’s unique communication style. Regularly check in with them to ensure they’re comfortable with the way we’re communicating. Remember, effective communication is about understanding and adapting to each other’s needs. It’s a ‘two-way street’ that requires patience, understanding and respect.

Handling disagreements or conflicts, especially in a neurodiverse family, requires patience, understanding and effective communication. Emotions can run high during disagreements. It’s important to stay calm and composed. Make sure everyone feels heard. Listen to the points of view without interrupting. Instead of saying “You’re wrong,” say something like, “I see things differently.” This can prevent the other person from becoming defensive. Try to understand the other person’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but showing empathy can help resolve conflicts. Look for a solution that satisfies everyone. It might not be perfect, but it’s important that everyone feels their needs have been considered.

ROLE PLAY

Now, let’s consider a role-play scenario that my wife and I are ever involved in:

Young Person: “I don’t want to do my homework now. I want to play the PS4.”

Parent: “I understand that you want to play video games, but it’s also important to finish your homework. How about we find a balance?”

Young Person: “But I don’t see why I have to do it now. It’s not due until next week!”

Parent: “I hear your point, and it’s great that you’re thinking ahead. However, doing a little bit each day can make the task less overwhelming. What if we set this timer for 30 minutes of homework, and then you can play the PS4 for a while?”

Young Person: “Hmm, okay. But only if I get to play my favourite game after!”

Parent: “That sounds like a fair deal. Let’s do it.”

In this scenario, the parent acknowledged the young person’s feelings, proposed a compromise and came to a solution that satisfied both parties. This approach can be applied to various situations, promoting a healthy and respectful way of resolving conflicts. Remember, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about understanding each other and finding common ground.

CONFLICT

Handling conflicts when emotions are running high can be challenging. If emotions are escalating, it can be helpful to take a short break to calm down. This can prevent things from getting heated and allow everyone to approach the situation with a clear mind. Encourage everyone to take deep breaths and focus on the present moment. This can help to reduce stress and anxiety. Try to communicate in a way that is non-defensive and non-threatening. This includes using “I” statements, expressing your feelings, and avoiding blame. If the conflict continues to escalate, it may be helpful to seek help from a neutral third party, such as another parent.

If one party refuses to compromise, it can make resolving the conflict more difficult. Try to understand why they are refusing to compromise. Are they feeling unheard or unappreciated? Understanding their perspective can help you address their concerns. Let them know how their refusal to compromise is affecting you and the situation. Be honest, but respectful in your communication. If they are not willing to compromise on a specific solution, try offering alternatives. There might be another solution that satisfies both parties. In some cases, it might be best to agree to disagree. This doesn’t mean the conflict is resolved, but it can prevent further escalation.

I’m about to finish but I think it is important to look at strategies for handling meltdowns and sensory overload. Firstly, it’s important to understand the difference between the two.

-?????? Meltdown is an intense response to overwhelming situations. It happens when a person becomes completely overwhelmed by their current situation and temporarily loses behavioural control. This loss of control can be expressed verbally (e.g., shouting, screaming, crying), physically (e.g., kicking, lashing out, biting) or in both ways.

-?????? Sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body’s senses experiences over-stimulations from the environment. For example, for someone with autism, a crowded shopping mall with lots of noises and smells can cause sensory overload, leading to a meltdown.

Do you have a designated area where the young person can go to feel safe and calm down when they’re experiencing a meltdown or sensory overload?

-?????? Deep breathing exercises can help to reduce anxiety and regain control.

-?????? Visual aids, like a feelings chart or visual schedule, can help a young person express what they’re feeling and understand what’s coming next.

-?????? Keep a record of what triggers meltdowns or sensory overload to avoid these situations in the future.

If meltdowns or sensory overload become frequent or severe, consider seeking help from a professional who specialises in neurodiversity. Remember, it’s important to be patient and empathetic. Each person is unique and will require personalised strategies to manage meltdowns and sensory overload. It’s not about preventing these situations entirely, but about managing them effectively when they do occur.

The principles and strategies we’ve discussed can also be applied in the workplace when communicating with neurodiverse adults. Create a workplace culture that values diversity and inclusion. This includes respecting and valuing the unique experiences and perspectives that neurodiverse individuals bring to the team. Just like with young people, clear and consistent communication is key. Make sure tasks and expectations are communicated in a way that is easy to understand.

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