The Motivating Power of a Great Back-handed Complement

As you know, a back-handed compliment might best be described as a sting in the tail with a compliment attached. But for the recipient, how can such a comment do anything other than erode confidence, bruise working relationships or inject harm? If you’re hearing this kind of stuff now, or if you're tempted to indulge in a few unreasonably barbed interventions about others, read on for a counter-intuitive view on their motivating power, and for those who appreciate a little self-deprecating humour, enjoy!

The key is much less how the comment is given (though whether you can respect the one from whom it originates is vitally important), but how it is received - because that’s all we can control. 

When so many of today’s interactions appear to be factually lacking, mastering unfiltered reception can take a lifetime - but is a skill worth nurturing. Seeing beyond the superficial, deftly swerving away from personal offence toward the kernel of truth, provides opportunity for personal growth, learning and development.

And what of that memorable back-handed compliment? Though I’ll never know if the attribution is true, around twenty years ago a highly respected colleague, referring to me, was reported to me by a different colleague as having said ‘I don’t know what he does but he does it very well.’ Firstly, I have to say, what a fabulous and clever insult! The implication is that the recipient is professional (the complement) but no-one knows what he does (there is the instant backhand like a wet kipper across the face!).

My response? Apart from laughing out loud at the reported wit of the man, I got the following out of this exchange:

1.     Personal comments are all too easy to make behind people’s backs. Once said, it’s very hard for them to be unsaid. You'll be found out.

2.     The person who brought it to me knew me well enough to know that no offence would be taken, and if he mentioned it to me, he might have agreed with it! It’s good to cultivate professional friends. They help us learn from our errors. The originator of the comment may yet be unaware that his off-the-cuff wit was eventually reported to his seemingly hapless colleague. 

3.     As the originator was someone for whom I did (and to this day, do) have total professional and friendly respect, it was worthy of deeper consideration. Sometimes the truth hurts a little and that’s OK.

4.     The fact that I still remember this exchange 20 years on shows that the originator hit the mark, but also showed me that I had professional friends too, and gave me the opportunity to change my approach, so in future, colleagues would better have the opportunity to see, hear and experience my personal work contribution.

Before I conclude, I need to say that this article isn’t an endorsement of toxic exchanges or personal or degrading insults. They have no place in the workplace. There should always be room for kindness.

However, we’re all human, and in that grey area between unadulterated praise and cutting insults (even including some insensitive interventions) there is a rich minefield of learning, which when put to use, can change us, and things, for the better. 

So now the challenge is with you. Do your colleagues and clients know what you do? Are you doing it well?

Oh, and if you’re going to issue a backhanded compliment behind someone’s back, make it a good one, that if taken well by the recipient, can offer transformative power.

Alternatively, you could say 'the spider on the bloom will always eventually catch the fly.'