A mother’s thoughts on baby loss and the workplace

An article written for colleagues, managers and employers of someone who has lost a baby by Elena Mills, Co-founder and Managing Director of The Salve Health | Certified B Corporation

In the summer of 2014 I felt like I was at the top of my professional game. I was working as a Senior Manager in a thriving healthcare communications agency, managing a business unit of 30 staff and excitedly expecting my second child - a little girl. My 20-week scan was all normal, and I was counting the weeks until maternity leave. Then, at 32 weeks pregnant, my happy little world imploded...?

It was the 24th June 2014, and on that summer’s day I went for a private ‘wellbeing’ scan at Beard Mill Clinic in West Oxfordshire for no other reason than some late pregnancy scan reassurance. Looking back, maybe I knew something was wrong. Maybe that prompted me to book an extra scan. Mid-way through the appointment, my sonographer calmly but gravely explained to me there were some significant structural problems with my baby’s brain.?

What followed was 3 surreal and distressing weeks of specialist appointments with foetal medicine teams at Gloucester and Bristol Hospitals, where we were made aware of the severity of our daughter’s condition - an exceptionally rare but devastating congenital brain defect that only manifests itself in late pregnancy and would have meant an unbearably and unimaginably poor quality of life for our daughter. At 34 weeks pregnant we made the agonising decision to say goodbye to our baby. Our pretty little girl, Caitlyn, was born asleep 2 days later.?

It’s 8 years since we lost Caitlyn and while losing a baby undoubtedly changed my perspective and approach to life, I do find myself wondering how the experience must also have affected those around me - my family, but also my colleagues at the time, many of whom were and still are, close friends. Baby loss is still little spoken about in the workplace; perhaps understandably, as there’s no getting away from the fact that it is an often shocking and difficult subject. This Baby Loss Awareness Week though, I thought I’d share a few thoughts from my own experience that might help if you’re a colleague, a manager or an employer of someone who has lost a baby.

"Baby loss is still little spoken about in the workplace."

If you weren’t already aware, the statistics are sobering; 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage (babies under 24 weeks gestation); 1 in every 200 babies is stillborn (babies over 24 weeks gestation) and one in every 600 babies dies between birth and 28 days old. Also throw into the mix, that 1 in every 33 women will be told during their ultrasound anomaly scan that their unborn child has a congenital defect. This can mean very difficult choices are needed about whether to continue with, or end a pregnancy.

Employment law in this area is not straightforward. Many employees don’t know their rights and employers rarely have policies in place to help.?If pregnancy loss occurs after the end of the 24th week of pregnancy, both parents are entitled to two weeks bereavement leave, paid at the statutory rate, and will be able to take maternity, paternity or shared parental leave. However, if the loss occurs before the end of the 24th week, there is currently no legal paid leave provision in place. That's pretty poor by any standards.

There are two articles I want to signpost to related to pregnancy/baby loss and the workplace and I would encourage everyone (but particularly those who are employers or managers) to read and then bookmark these articles in order to prepare for supporting employees through baby loss:

1) The first is from Miscarriage Association called "Miscarriage and the workplace" and is a good summary of their resources available for supporting employers and managers, HR, employees and colleagues who experience miscarriage (baby loss before 24 weeks gestation)

2) The second is a really excellent article from the charity Tommy's called "How to support a colleague or employee after a stillbirth". It was written in consultation with parents, about how to give support to those who have experienced stillbirth (baby loss after 24 weeks gestation) and the advice is also relevant to those who have lost their baby shortly after birth.

From my own experience, I could not have had a more understanding employer or more supportive colleagues at the time, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. It made all the difference in making an unbearable situation, bearable. I don’t underestimate the effect that the news of my situation had on my colleagues or my employer at the time. It’s shocking and upsetting to hear that something like this has happened to someone you work with. In the immediate aftermath of my loss, I agreed with my employer that my close work friends would be told face-to-face instead of receiving an impersonal email and I also agreed the wording of a wider, company email before it was sent. Looking back I’m grateful that I was involved in these communication decisions and that my preferences were actively sought and acted upon. I had about 3 months off before I felt ready to venture back into the workplace and everyone is likely to feel very differently about when they are, or are not, ready to return to work. Once I had returned to work, I may have looked like I was coping but in fact, I felt very vulnerable for many weeks. Grief really does come in waves and some days I felt fully able to cope, and other days I felt fragile and overwhelmed by the experience. I was especially appreciative that my manager went out of their way to forewarn me about other people’s pregnancy or baby news so I was able to prepare emotionally. My advice would be, as the weeks and months go by, don’t stop being kind, let people take time out when they need it and make sure they know that you are available to listen whenever they might need it.

As a final note and a call to action, I urge all employers to take Miscarriage Association Pregnancy Loss Pledge and agree to:

• Encourage a?supportive work environment?where people feel able to discuss and disclose pregnancy and/or baby loss without fear of being disadvantaged or discriminated against.
• Understand and implement the rules around?pregnancy-related leave, ensuring staff feel able to take the time off they need.
• Show?empathy?and?understanding?towards people and their partners experiencing pregnancy or baby loss.
• IMPORTANT!!! Implement a pregnancy/baby loss?policy or guidance, or ensure it is included in sickness, bereavement or other workplace policies – being mindful of the needs of?partners, too.
• Encourage?line managers?to access in-house or external?guidance?on how to support someone experiencing pregnancy or baby loss.
• Support people back to work by being?responsive?to their needs and showing?flexibility, understanding?and compassion wherever possible.