Mothers guilt vs. family teamwork

I have many female friends who have very interesting and demanding careers. Leading their own companies, managing big departments, solving law cases, ... And they have kids. All of them are great mothers, but still, each one of them is facing mothers’ guilt. The typical scenario is, that they are doing 14 things perfectly and not doing one. This one is different for each of them and are quite random. Achilles’ heel. For one it was the fact that she didn’t bake the birthday cake for her kid on her own. For the other that she hasn’t subscribed her kid to a sports club which meant driving in the highest traffic across the whole city. For me it was the fact that I wasn’t doing the arts project with our kids. They are necessary for the right development of their brains and motoric, right? But I just hated it so much. It was boring me out of my head, there was so much mess afterwards and how many paintings can a parent possibly store without being buried alive in tons of pictures? But I felt really guilty, that I’m ripping my kids of something crucial. And then there is one common guilt for all the mothers: because of my (selfish) career, I’m not spending enough time with my kids. So, we are trying. Really hard. Juggling all the duties, job and extra activities and as a result we are really tired. And still feeling guilty.

So, what I tried myself was reframing the situation. Instead of arts projects (which I realized our boys have enough in kindergarten and school), we started to cook together. This is something I enjoy, their motoric skills are developing, and the result is something practical, so I don’t even mind that the mess is similar. Lately, they’ve started to cook without my assistance, and it gives them huge sense of freedom. They can cook some basic dishes (different types of eggs, porridge, toast, risotto), but still, they feel very grown-up able to fix something they like to eat whenever they want to.

Regarding the time-guilt, I’ve tried a few things. First of all, I started to talk to our kids about my work. Explaining what I do and why it is important to me. We also talk about thigs that didn’t go well, or situations, when I’m nervous about something. To show them that ‘work’ is a complex thing, to give them better overview what does it mean when ‘mom is at work’. They understand that my job makes sense to me. And I’m glad to see that as they grow up, it’s not only about us asking them how they day in school was, but also they ask us how was our day at work. Whether we had fun, are satisfied with the day or we are sad or even angry about something. I think if they understand why I’m sometimes at work longer, there is some reason behind that, it’s more acceptable to them compared to the scenario, when ‘moms work’ is something vague and distant. And we are doing the same thing with their dads work of course.

The second thing we are showing them is that in family we work as a team. Each of us has some preferred duties or chores (I’ve read in the past that the ideal way how to find your partner for a life is to find someone whose preferred chores are complimentary to yours. And I think it is not a bad advice ??), but if the situation asks for it, someone else will step in. Usually, I’m the one to help them with their homework if needed, but if I’m not available, they know their father can do it. And I’m happy to see that they get it. They have 2 parents, both adults, both working, both can solve basic household problems. It’s not important who will do it as far as we care of each other and help each other. Last week, I was quite touched when they volunteered to cook dinner for us. And as their dad was returning from business trip and due to horrible weather, didn’t make it for the dinner in time, they have even made him a note you can see in the header (it says: Hi! I’ve cooked you a dinner. Heat it up. If you don’t want it, it’s OK. PS: it’s salted already).

I hope this approach will prepare my sons for their happy and balanced future family life. To take their future partners as real partners, who might have demanding careers. Not to expect that someone will automatically and daily cook for them or clean for them. It’s a teamwork. If both partners have careers, they need to split chores equally as well. That if they would like to (or need to) stay at home on parental leave with their kids, they would consider it normal. And with this in mind, I feel a bit less guilty as a working mother ??

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