Mother, Military Spouse, Caregiver and Gold Star Family Member

Honoring my mother on the first Mothers Day and birthday without her.

In addition to Mother’s Day, today would have been my mom’s 91st birthday, but we lost her earlier this year and so I share this to honor her memory but to also celebrate all mothers and military spouses who support a loved one in uniform.

I understood the cost of freedom long before I put on a uniform. While we often think of those who wear the uniform many forget the family that supports them and the price they pay as well.

My mom lost her father, Paul Grey, when his ship sank during World War II. She told stories about raising her younger sister while her mother worked. Not exactly how young girls imagine spending their teenage years. She and Dad met in high school and graduated in 1950. A month later the United States would find itself in another war, in a far-off land, Korea. Within a year they lost their first classmate. My parents married and shortly after, Dad was drafted. Fortunately, he was working on a project at work supporting the Navy that lead to a deferment until the war in Korea was over. In 1954, with the project complete, he was drafted into the Army and sent to Germany. In those days spouses did not accompany young enlisted soldiers, so they were separated for two years.?

As a seven-year-old I overheard my grandfather telling my father about the horror of trench warfare from World War I. It was the first time he spoke of it to Dad, Grandpa died the next day during surgery. My dad would later share these stories with my mom. This occurred while the U.S. was still in Vietnam and the media shared news of combat deaths nightly.

Imagine having these experiences as a daughter, wife and mother when your son comes to you and says he wants to go to West Point and serve in the Army. Despite it all, she was very supportive of my decision. When I had a kidney disease and was temporarily medically retired from the military she played the role of caregiver, much like the 5 million military caregivers across the country.

I wish I could say her experience was unique, but each generation of military spouses faces some of the same and some new challenges. I saw this firsthand during my time in uniform as a commander, husband, and father. While military spouses and families may not be left at home during service, they still face unique challenges like deployments, unemployment rates of 24%, moves every two or three years that cost the military family an average of $1,000 out of pocket expenses, and food insecurity rates above the national average, just to name a few. Fortunately there are some great non-profits stepping up to help but there is still much more work we need to do as a country.

On this Mother’s Day, while I remember my mom, I also know that there are mothers of a military service member or military spouses caring for their family while their spouse or child is deployed in Europe, Asia, the Middle East, at sea, or somewhere else around the world who will “celebrate” Mother’s Day thinking of their loved one. For others, today is a reminder of a loved one they lost in combat, training accidents or suicide. To all of you, I will say a prayer and thank you for the sacrifices you have made as well.

As a reminder, here are the days or celebration, appreciation and remembrance for the members of the military and veteran community from April and May.

• April is the Month of the Military Child. We honor those who move all over the world every couple of years and step up when the service member is away, or worse, when they must be a caregiver for a parent wounded in war.?
• April 6th is Gold Star Spouses day. The gold star is a symbol of someone who lost a loved one in combat. We have gold star family members as colleagues.?
• May is Military Appreciation Month with several observances.?
• Military Spouse Appreciation Day. The Friday before Mother’s Day we celebrate the military spouse who deals with employment challenges, food insecurity, deployments, and serves as a caregiver to those hurt while in service. But it is the resilient military spouse who works beside you that thrives when given the chance to achieve their full potential.?
• On the third Saturday in May we celebrate Armed Forces Day to honor those currently serving, to include our colleagues in the National Guard and reserves, many who have served in combat and then built hospitals or ran testing sites during COVID. Veterans, those of us no longer serving, are honored on November 11th.?
• Memorial Day is the last Monday in May. It is the day we honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice, and for many like me, this includes honoring those impacted by their experiences who die by suicide after they come home.?