"Mother, May I or Not?" Asking for Acceleration.

You may recall, “Mother, May I?”. The children’s game where players take turns being the parent (also “Father, May I?) and ask for permission to take actions such as three or five steps forward. The acting parent can either give permission for said action or can rescind it and instead instruct the asker to take a certain number of steps backward. And on it goes until one participant (the winner) reaches the ‘parent'.

All well and good for children’s games. In adulthood and work-life, however, how do we ensure that we are taking those necessary steps forward, toward personal and professional development goals and career advancement? While not being subjected to seemingly arbitrary denials and rejections? Because, just as in the children’s game above, there are things we need to ask for to move forward— from those in authority over us by way of management, from peers and colleagues, from clients, from service providers.

The asking methodologies here are for you. To get what you need. In a way that works for you and for the organization, if you happen to work in one. It’s a winning child of negotiation parents. With the goal of ensuring you are moving X number of steps forward and rarely backward. In the eventuality that one moves backward for one reason or another, the experience can be used as a stepping stone for learnong how to ask for ‘giant’ or ‘frog’ leaps forward next time. Because there will always be a next time.

I would be remiss to tell you that you would get everything you ask for all of the time. If this happened, then we might as well all go home and begin to wave those magic wands. There are also situations where it appears others are getting what you asked for and didn’t get. And that they are getting it without their even asking. If that’s you, remember things are never as they appear. And there are befitting ways to bring up concerns about these sorts of situations without making it a complaint or finger-pointing session.

Now, for the Asking.

The first step in asking to accelerate is to make up your mind to ask. It may sound cliché but a central principle, for receiving anything that is not a gift, is asking. What’s the worst that could happen when we ask? We get a No. That’s it. While Nos can hurt because as humans, we tend to fear rejection but remember the sting of rejection does not (or should not) last forever.?The thing about a No is that it can be both contextual and circumstantial. A 'No' today, may not be hold tomorrow. If so, how do we know then, when to re-ask?

We can take the lead by asking for feed-back around the 'No'. This will involve more asking in the form of questions like “Can I revisit this with you in a few [insert time period here] to see if anything may have changed?” “Is there anything I can do to change [insert outcome] here?” And one of my favorites, learned experientially from my son — “If I can’t get X, can I get Y instead?” You can see how each of these questions can be used to re-frame a No so that you can get to a desired goal. If not now, then later.

Field Notes and Lessons from Circumstantial "Nos'

I speak from [learning] experiences regarding situations where I heard Nos that could have been Yeses had I known to re-ask. In one, after being denied a training opportunity, I learned about male colleagues who had gone directly to the manager of budgets, ascertained that there was funding for training and then made their asks directly based on the information they had. A second more recent instance involved asking for venture funding from a friend. After presenting the proposal and the terms of engagement that I had been asked to provide, I never heard from them again. Since I walked away from the venture opportunity after more due diligence, the absence of a response had no immediate direct impact. Fast forward, two years later, I was still curious to get feedback on the lack of a response. They told me that I was not persistent enough and that to them as a funder was a sign of someone who did not really need the cash inflow.?That the onus was fully on me to make a stronger case for my venture. Ouch! I thanked them very much and let them know how useful this feedback was.

If you’re reading this, you can probably take away some of the same lessons I did:

• Back up your asks with data where available (and outcomes for the organization)
• Ask, and Ask again (and again). Persistence can be a chain breaker.

What does asking based on lessons learned from real-life scenario 1 above look like?

If asking for a benefit such as training or other professional development. Remember that you should be the driver of your development even if you have a great manager. For one, they may not be fully aware of your goals and instead may be priming you opportunities that may not be in alignment with where you want to go. While there is no universal template, I have templates that have worked for me and my clients.

You can frame your asks around facts like your tenure in the organization, your future goals, the return on investment that the training would have for the organization (and your boss) when applied on the job. Remember to bolster all this with a win-win mindset. When you win, a good boss who has your interests at heart, also wins.

While I have limited this only to organizational asks, if you are a working parent, you may need certain asks regarding your child’s welfare. Asks that when successful, allow you to focus on work which in itself can lead to career acceleration. In such situations, a healthcare approach to resolving issue helps. Framing the ask around a modified SBAR (Situation, Background, and R for Resolution (Recommendation). The 'open' R is where one asks for ways in which they would like to see the situation resolved. It’s a crisp, clear approach that does not involve blaming and in more cases than not, can lead to mutually agreeable solutions.

What other ways have you succeeded at making asks that have helped you in your career? I would love to hear about them in the comments.

About the Career Acceleration Precepts (CAP) newsletter:

CAP is curated by Dr Otito Iwuchukwu, CPTD, organizational psychologist, pharmacist-scientist educator, author, consultant, and career strategist. As a certified professional in talent development and career advocate for multi-passionate healthcare professionals, Dr Iwuchukwu helps individuals, put their gifts and strengths to use in and out of work. You can reach her here for questions and consults.