A mother on the edge - my personal story about anxiety disorder

Becoming a mother turns your life upside down. If you’re lucky, you adapt relatively seamlessly to your new life and motor along happily thereafter. If you are unlucky, however, you do not. I didn′t. I decided to tell the story about my anxiety disorder, because it might help others in same situation and break the silence.

I’ve been working as a software developer for the last 20 years for different companies. I started to work in a small city in the center of Portugal, but after a few years I moved to Lisbon to be near my husband. I‘m not very organized, I’m a bit chaotic. Before I had kids, it wasn’t a problem. I had my work under control. I didn’t worry, I could rearrange deadlines and dinners spontaneously. It’s completely different with children.

In 2010 my first daughter was born. At some point after that, I started to have panic attacks. In the beginning I didn’t realize what was going on. I just knew that sporadically I woke up with the sensation of panic. I felt like I wasn’t breathing right, or that I was going to have a heart attack, or something like that. I did what I usually do: googled my symptoms. But actually, I came to the right conclusion, and I thought, “Well, no big deal. Should I go to a psychologist? I don't need that!” Besides, I realized that this was only happening when I was tired. I just had to rest more so that the panic attacks wouldn't happen. Easy. This scenario continued and peaked when my daughter was three. After that, it seemed to disappear.

In 2014 I started working for Siemens. Everything went well. My work was interesting, and my colleagues were nice. I was able to strike a reasonably good balance between my job and my family. Then I got pregnant for the second time. In February one day at work, I started to feel dizzy, my vision blurred, and I began sweating a lot – and this started to happen more frequently. Probably a blood-pressure issue, I was told by the doctor. I had a week to rest at home, and a few days later I started to work from home. At the time, there wasn’t an official policy about working from home, and I was the first person to get permission to do it. My team leader talked to me and offered it to me as a solution. At first I thought it was a good idea: I would be able to avoid the traffic jams during my morning and evening commutes and I could get more sleep. Unfortunately, being at home alone just increased my fear. The doctor told me to lie down if I had a panic attack, but it didn’t help. At least in the office I had medical help in an emergency and colleagues I could talk to.

I was feeling really tired, and I had to stop work a few weeks before my daughter's birth. Against my expectations, the situation didn't improve after that. Actually, it was getting worse and worse. Then everything started to happen faster. I was very tired and felt dizzy and had episodes of panic when I lay down or got out of bed. To avoid this, I started sleeping on the sofa. Then I started to re-experience all my childhood fears: I had to keep a light on all night because of fear of the dark, and the window had to be open because I felt claustrophobic. Everything became so scary and overwhelming that I just said, “I can't take this anymore.” I had all the help and support in the world from my husband and the rest of the family, but at this point I felt ready to burn out: unable to sleep, unable to take care of my life. My head empty, as though I had no memories. I felt too tired to even watch TV or look at my cell phone.

I was afraid of being alone with my daughters.

I had to take drugs which is why I had to choose whether to continue breastfeeding or not. It was a fraught decision. I also had psychotherapy for several months, but it’s very expensive and time-consuming, so when I felt like I was fine, I stopped.

Despite having the option to work from home and flexibility in my schedule, it’s still a challenge to organize my daily routine. I’m always in a rush:

Two children with two different biorhythms, getting stuck in traffic jams, preparing dinner, always running, working full-time, husband away at work or stuck in traffic. My husband and I try to share all the tasks at home – but it is still intense and exhausting. I don’t have enough time with my daughters, and that makes me sad. There’s too less time during the week. We both work full-time because of our financial needs. In Portugal, sometimes you have to use private kindergartens because public kindergartens aren’t always available.

A few months ago, I started to feel more irritated, and then the panic attacks started to happen again, with less intensity but more frequently.

I feel like a failure, that I can’t conquer my anxiety and take control of my life. To feel stressed and exhausted is quite common once a couple has kids. But everyone manages it. But not me. Sometimes I wonder why I find it all so difficult. I look at other people who live in really difficult situations and I admire them. How do they do it?

I started asking them and learned, that sometimes they don’t do well. I shared my story with other colleagues, and I found that some of them also have anxiety disorders. But I think we Portuguese don’t cope very well with mental-health issues.

That′s the end of my story. But not the end of my life. Definitively not. Love. Helena.