The Mother of All Blockers, Criticism.

By: April Young Blackwell, Fellow Life Traveler, Coaching Enthusiast. Inspired by exposure to political ads for the 2020 Election.

I don't watch a lot of tv. When I do, it is usually animated kid shows with songs like "Sharing is Caring." I also end up passively watching YouTube videos of Barbie, and Elsa and Anna dolls playing. (I have two daughters ages 4 and 5 1/2, in case you were wondering. lol).

In the mornings, I actively watch YouTube for Yoga. Lately, I have been watching old Ted Talks by Bréne Brown and interviews with Sadhguru on the subject of "Inner Engineering" while I exercise on an elliptical machine.

My husband, on the other hand, watches news throughout the day. Whether it is through indirect exposure of the news, or direct exposure from a political ad interrupting Elsa and Anna or Bréne Brown, I have gotten my fair share of negative political messaging the last few weeks.

I don't understand why there is so much, "don't vote for that guy because he is bad" vs "vote for this guy because he is so good."

It's not just 2020. It's been this way for as long as I remember. If you listen political ads, you learn more about why you shouldn't vote for "that guy" than you learn about why you should vote for "this guy."

I really don't get it. I guess people love hearing and sharing negative things about others. Perhaps it makes them feel better about themselves by talking poorly of "those people."

Whatever happened to, "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all?"

Do these people remember Matthew 7:3

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?"

More than 400 years before Christ, Confucius gave similar advice:

"Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's rooftop when your own doorstep is unclean."

Apparently, we've been criticizing each other since forever.

Fast Forward to the 20th Century, Dale Carnegie's, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," Chapter 1, the first principle shared as the foundation of becoming a great influencer is "Don't criticize, condemn or complain."

In this book, Carnegie writes about what made Charles Schwab such a success. He quotes him as saying, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So, I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault."

Whether we are pointing out the flaws in our co-workers, subordinates, or "the other guys" in "that political party," criticism does nothing to improve on the situation.

The person who is on the receiving end of such judgment doesn't say, "Oh geez, you know what? You are so right! I have been doing it wrong this whole time. Your way is definitely the best way. Let me change immediately to do the thing the way you think it should be done!"

Not once has a criticized person ever responded like this…unless they were quick on their feet at sarcasm.

As strongly as we feel about our doctrine, philosophy, truth, ideas, and ideals, the "other party" feels the same.

You may be thinking this is not realistic, and I agree that there is a point in our lives where we need to correct our children, spouse, employee, or friend. We cannot (and should not) praise bad behavior. We cannot appreciate someone into correcting work that is poor quality and perhaps even dangerous to team performance. We face these situations everyday. And they absolutely must be addressed.

For the best advice ever written on this subject, read Kim Scott's, "Radical Candor." In Scott's book, tried and true methods to bring up or push out those who need improvement are discussed. Simply put, you need to "care personally and challenge directly."

If empathy is the glue of human connection, then criticism is the repellant. Without caring personally and coming from a place of love to offer "correction" rather than criticism, we place wedges between ourselves and others. It blocks us from connection.

We can't always dismiss criticism and be offended by the message. My Grandma taught me to "consider the source." As I have mentioned previously, I've had friends quickly point out to me typos in my work. As I know these people and how they care for me, I quickly express my thanks, re-open my laptop, edit and correct. I don't take it like they are pointing out petty errors and trying to make be feel bad about it.

There are times that the "source" of criticism does have malintent. They seek to hurt and offend. Sometimes this is a they are projection of their own self-hatred Again, consider the source. If you are on the receiving end of an internet troll, blind criticism, cruel and mean words, be like teflon. Don't let it stick. Focus on the praise from your most important fans.

While harshly criticizing others may not be anything new, it doesn't do anything to move us forward as a species. Participating in negative talk about our fellow humans doesn't do anything to move us up the ladder to self-actualization. What's worse, is that, as badly as we may speak about others, we speak even worse about our own selves. "We are our own worst critics."

How many times do we hold back from implementing an idea because we self-criticize and talk ourself out of doing our genius idea. We think, "It's a dumb idea. Someone else is already doing it. They won't like it. I'll just make a fool of myself." And on and on we go.

Before we try, we stop. Without even trying, we don't give ourselves a chance to fail and learn, or a chance to succeed. And we stay stuck. What we all really want, is to be seen and to feel important and connected. If we never try to do important things, we keep ourselves limited in a box, apart from feeling the way we deeply and truly feel. As Gay Hendricks would say, we "Upper Limit" ourselves. We block our own self from reaching our potential. We block our connection to our ultimate source of inspiration. We block the connection to our inner higher selves.

We "upper limit" ourselves because we are afraid of succeeding. Because we may actually separate ourselves from the pack and be "different." Being different is not nearly as comfortable as "fitting in." But who are we fitting in with?

I love the parable of the salt water fish. What is the first thing you add to a salt-water fish before you eat it? Salt! Why? Because, it is bland! How in the world does a fish that lives his entire life in salt water not absorb the salt? The fish is an example of being "in" the world and not "of" the world.

It’s the same with criticism whether it is from those who love us, hate us, or from ourselves. We should listen to only the thoughts and opinions that come from a place of love that are intended to push us into becoming the best version of ourselves. If the feedback is not intended to help or improve us, we can't let it permeate our souls.

Romans 12:2 says it best:

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

It all comes back to thoughts and beliefs which is a recurring theme in my blogs. This is a purposeful theme. We are walking self-fulfilling prophesies. We tell ourselves we can't, so we don't, so we aren't. We tell ourselves we can, so we do, and then we become. What we think about, we attract. What we can see, we can believe. What we do, we become. It is a self-feeding cycle of influence for the good or for the bad. It begins with our thoughts and our beliefs, positive or negative.

As you go about your week, be mindful of your critical voice. Who are you criticizing? How are you helping them through your criticism? How are you limiting your own potential by criticizing yourself? One more Grandmaism. My Grandma used to say, "When you point your finger at someone else, you have four more fingers pointing back at yourself."

Who is criticizing you? What is their intent? What can you learn? How can you improve? If it doesn't serve you and improve you, let it go.

To learn more about April Young Blackwell, click here.

To visit the source of the blog, go to TheCoachingPoints.com