The most vulnerable post I've ever written...

You've got to cry, guys! There's no way around it.

My sons were hurt in a similar way by their mother. I told my oldest son what's been happening for me the past few days. Uncovering life long trauma resulting from the mothering I received.

My parents had horrible childhoods, filled with emotional and physical abuse. Having not healed their own emotional wounds, they were projected onto us kids.

Hence, I grew up feeling my parents never wanted me, so why would anyone else. I'm not saying they actually didn't want me. Their own dysfunction made it feel that way.

When it hit me this is how I've felt my entire life, and most of all, why I felt this way. I collapsed into a fit of sobbing, including a life of pent up rage and hurt over being made to feel like that.

My jaws clenched, my body shook and I poured sweat as I screamed in my head, "Why wasn't I good enough for you?"

Like any kid, I put my parents (especially mom) on a pedestal, because I so needed them to be more than they could give.

I've spend decades studying psychology, philosophy, the works. I've got amazing cognitive strategies for shifting perspective. I mentally understand that my folks did the best they could with what they had.

That's true. But it still hurt, deeply. No amount of psychological workarounds changes the fact that hurt needs to be seen, felt and heard to heal.

I decided to face it and feel it so I could get through it and finally be past it.

Sure its's possible to cross the Atlantic ocean, but you're going to need a rowboat. That's what this process feels like.

Keep rowing, take breaks to recover your strength, then back at it. It hurts, you get tired and wet. But once you reach the other side, just imagine.

I know there's another side to this. One in which I'll be able to love myself and allow others to love me.

But first, I need to shed the hurt so my heart finally gets to say.

"I didn't deserve to be treated that way."

"I deserve to have my needs met even though you can't do it".

"I deserve to be free of this pain so I can be happy."

Its a journey, one you can't take unless you're ready to get wet.

Oh, make sure someone(s) comes along with you. Someone to be your life preserver. To hold you when you feel like you're drowning, to remind you you aren't alone.

That's what I'll do until I'm through it. However long it takes. I'm already much better off than when this all started.?

This is the kind of inner work I take the risk to do. So I can turn around and empower my client to follow their own healing path. I can support them every step of the way. because I went first.

Thanks for being you,

Brian R. King, MSW