The Most Upsetting And Empowering Realization I’ve Had In Years

When I was a freshman in college, my friends and I went to go see the college play. At the end we went backstage to congratulate the actors. The male lead walked over to me, grabbed me, tipped me back and french-kissed me. Then he stood us upright and walked away. For a long time I felt special, honored, extra pretty, and also wondered why he had never asked me out. And then I forgot about it. With the #metoo campaign, I’ve been having all sorts of flashbacks and realizations. That actor didn’t even see me. He felt entitled to stick his tongue down my throat to declare his - what - pride/manhood/power? Does it matter? Was that sexual assault? Does sexual assault depend on how the recipient experiences it? What if my experience of that night has changed? What if, at the time I felt special and now I feel assaulted?

For 13 years I stayed with the same therapist. The damage she did has taken me more than 13 years to undo. I never felt happy when I left her office and every session confirmed that I was broken and unlovable. I had trusted her with my deepest insecurities and she took full advantage and manipulated me like a puppet. I was ‘too sensitive. Too empathetic. Too intense. Why did I wear my hair like that? Didn’t I know that tags on scarves should be cut off?’ Are you wondering why I didn’t leave? Because I didn’t know that wasn’t how therapy should be. I didn’t like myself, so why would my therapist? Click here to read more