The most important step to giving effective feedback

What’s a more dreaded question at work than “can I give you some feedback?”?

Bueller?

Yeah... that was a trick question because let's face it, the answer is nothing. Nothing is worse than that question hitting you from left field. It’s literally the office equivalent of someone you just started dating saying “can we talk?”

And we all know how that usually goes...

Feedback is one of the HARDEST things about work. It set off feelings of not being good enough, of never doing anything right, of "oh great, here's one more thing to add to the list of things to fix about myself."

Even when we know it doesn't necessarily mean something negative is coming, let's face it, our instinct still takes us there. (See Chapter 2 of my book Unstuck for more on how to reframe this negative perspective of feedback...)

And for some of us, positive feedback isn't a party either- we hear something that went well and start worrying when the other shoe is gonna drop, or if we can maintain this level of success.

Hence why I talk about feedback ALL THE TIME. It truly is the gift that keeps giving.

As managers or feedback givers of any variety, when we worry about all of the defensiveness or questions or hurt feelings or all of the things that can go sideways when we have to deliver feedback, it can be overwhelming, and we don't always know where to start.

But along with bringing empathy to the conversation, taking responsibility, and helping a team member close the gaps (which is my 3 step process for sharing difficult feedback), we can't jump right into the feedback and miss the most important step of all.

Today, I want to share this "most important step" and game changing question, the thing that will make the whole giving feedback thing WAYYYYY easier once you ask it. And this is what I break down on today’s episode of Managing Made Simple.

<< LISTEN TO THE EPISODE HERE >>

Ready?

Drumroll please...

Ask yourself: “Have I set clear expectations?”

Mic drop.?

When we don't have expectations, our feedback doesn't have any legs to stand on - this is where bias, personality judgments, micromanagey-ness, feelings of unfairness, and all of the issues come to a head. Because without expectations, what is the feedback even about?

On the flip side, clear expectations are the level playing field, the anchor, the foundation, the baseline, the common ground, the you name it, you name it, you name it, to give feedback about.

If your team member isn’t aware of the expectations, how do they know if they've met them or not? How do they know what they are supposed to action or do more or of less of for next time? How can they be proactive about ensuring a successful outcome?

I'll say it again - without expectations, what is the feedback even about?

The lack of clear expectations is the origin of the defensiveness, the confusion, the disappointment; even the inability to reproduce positive behaviors if the feedback was about something great that you want to see more of.?

So today, right now, think to yourself across anything you've been itching to share some feedback on, "have I set clear expectations on this thing?"

Then... go set them.

Have a conversation with your team member or colleague or whoever around those expectations, maybe even double checking even if you do think you're on the same page.

From there, once they have not met or have exceeded those expectations, boom - that's what the feedback conversation is about.

Bonus is this works for personal relationships as well, I mean, was the expectation to actually *run* the dishwasher after loading it, or...? (we've all been there)

When you start a feedback conversation anchoring to the expectations, and then talk about how the person did RELATIVE to those, it’s transformational.?

Onward my friends, start using this question and you have the power to change feedback from something that feels like a punch in the gut to something that we can actually get behind.

And if your team needs a little love when it comes to feedback, let me know.

This is my favorite topic to support teams on because when we’re able to make that shift from being afraid of feedback to actually getting skilled at it, you increase engagement, motivation, and morale on a team and yield better results. Literally everyone wins. Email me at [email protected] and share where your team is getting stuck and I can share about ways I can support.