More understanding, less judgement.

Last weekend was my daughter’s first school Annual Day experience. If you are a parent, you understand how significant that milestone is. It generates a range of emotions for parents – I spotted parents crying, some howling, grandparents clapping wildly and some even dancing to motivate their child on the stage. It seemed like a culmination of years of emotions.

As expected, I had a relatively reserved face that day, a grinning one nevertheless. My mind was focused on one thing: How incredibly lucky to have found my daughter. Despite our flaws and all the chaos, she has turned out to be amazing, so happy and incredibly expressive. I just sat there admiring my three-year old and feeling so proud that we managed to help her be happy. That is all that mattered. You would think what a day! And then comes the ‘but’ in this story.

The school had a chief guest who decided that it would be a great idea to remind parents about their failures – screen time, nuclear family, both parents working (oh, what a sin!) – the whole nine yards. So here I am to remind young parents what often goes unnoticed and unacknowledged:

The one thing that is rarely acknowledged is that millennial parents don’t have it easy. We are a generation that is trying to do so many things at once. We are achieving success like no other generation did and we have seen the most change happen, in fast forward. Yes, we are more privileged but we also have very unique challenges. Think of this:

A millennial mother is acutely aware of the biases she faces. She is dealing with mother’s guilt but is expected to have a fledgling career, because of the superwoman pedestal they are thrusted on. She has equal financial responsibility but also the pressure of being a great mother. This is the generation that is constantly trying to break the glass ceiling and still trying to be that super-parent who can show up for every school event, PTM and birthday party.

A father is trying to break the mould, wants to play an equal role in parenting, wants to break the myth of “women are the best caregivers” and wants to be there for his child every single day. He wants to be in the mother’s group because that is where the child’s village resides, but can’t do so because that would be weird. He looks around to see how many fathers he can connect with, he finds probably one, but it’s hard to connect beyond “Do you work-from-home?” He knows everything about his child that he wants to share with other fathers, but there is a limited audience for that.

There is an incredible amount of joy in being equal partners, but it’s also incredibly stressful. And this can get exhausting. Several millennial parents, especially in urban centres, are having to create their support systems from scratch – and when they cannot create, they have to pay through their nose for it, whilst still feeling guilty about it.

The next time you meet a young parent, ask them about their kids and watch their eyes. You will see a mix of joy, pain and also relief that someone cares. While you are at it, please refrain from advice on gentle parenting, screen-time and “culture”. None of these are bad topics, but nobody needs to hear it all the time. We are a bunch of super-aware millennials, who don’t need advice – we need support and understanding. Yes, we are open to feedback, but we are not open for judgment.

Whether or not you are a parent, if this struck a chord, share this with someone you care about. Here’s to more understanding, less judgment!