No More Sweet Little Lies

I had a hell of a time getting around to starting a post today. Actually, that is a lie. I didn't know how to pull together a swirling mess of feelings into a coherent narrative. I am working diligently to change many long standing habits of thought that came from a childhood that simply didn't suit me. It didn't account for me as I actually was. Those early experiences directly, but under cover of unconscious processing, had me create a life that replicated what I believed to be normal.

My buddy Cyndi brought to bear a very rich video by the stellar Caroline Myss, who as a medical intuitive cannot be beat. This video will have something for everyone. The overall theme of the talk is about Choice. How we chose to stand for our own integrity and chose on our own behalf.

I am not going to betray myself. Not going to compromise myself.

Caroline Myss

Sure, I thought, so vehemently, it may have been out loud, I do not betray myself. At the theoretical level, I had no doubt. But then I can not shake the truth of another of her dramatically impactful statements:

Liars Don't Heal ~ Caroline Myss

Overall, I have always been strong enough to live in outward integrity, but those sweet little internal lies have produced profound consequences that I no longer CARE to ignore.

I experienced persistent childhood emotional neglect. And I have lied to myself for years around the dramatic consequences. I hear myself saying it wasn't so bad to never be touched, not to be able to remember any encouragement, and to have lived in fear and shame over revealing my true thoughts to the people who raised me. I didn't know any different, so it felt normal.

The lie here is subtle and so are the features of the chronic dis-ease that has been adding obstacles to my life for years.

There really is no emotional charge to what actually happened 40 some years ago. But there is a huge, crushing boulder of emotion I don't know how to process around how I continue to chose to self-isolate, based on how my brain was wired at such a young age.

I don't have regret. I don't feel any need to blame. But I am going to stop feeling too ashamed to state my own experience, my feelings of hurt and lack at never being cared for, in a manner that felt like love to me, just as I was.

My parents excelled at fiduciary responsibility, they handled that aspect of raising a child with aplomb, but they utterly neglected to support me emotionally.

My tendency for self-isolation has been with me throughout every memory. As a companion it brought periods of fierce and satisfying independence. What makes us strong, can also, if left to run on auto-pilot, become a prison of invisible bars.

And this is the pivot, as Myss described it, when I transmute my woe into wisdom.

By refusing to ever again tell myself sweet little lies, I step into the emotions of my present, in order to feel them and become free to chose to express my love for life and others with the unbounded joy I squashed as a child, who was taught that sort of exuberance just wasn't part of life.

I chose to dwell in delight and the ever present possibility of being WONDERSTRUCK!

~Deb

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I challenged myself to publish every day in July 2017. So far, so miraculous!

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https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/thoughts-3210-mile-drive-deb-helfrich-

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I am a Soulpreneur Strategist using my technical consulting background and heart-centered communications skills to help the independent healers of the world run their businesses, create their websites, and maintain a social media presence without taking away from the time they need to devote to their clients. Find out more or buy one of my books on my virtual home > www.InsightsOccur.com