Be More Positive in Relationship Be Curious….NOT Furious

Think to yourself:

I wonder why they’re saying that.

I wonder why they’re behaving that way.

I wonder if they’re suffering.

I wonder what pain is under their anger.

There are a host of reasons why positivity beats out negativity. Not only is positivity more attractive than pessimism or cynicism, it’s also a winning strategy for navigating relationship conflict. Interestingly, relationship researchers found that people are particularly sensitive to negative feedback and that couples who engage in a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments are more likely to stay together

I take this to mean that a little negativity goes a long way, and sometimes even an unintentional slight or criticism can have a powerful impact. I vow to try to be more positive, generally, but particularly when things get heated.

Vollmann, M., Renner, B., & Weber, H. (2007). Optimism and social support: The providers’ perspective. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2, 205–215.

Gottman, J. & Silver, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Schedule time for relationship

Good things don’t just happen and that is true even when it comes to good relationships. Just like losing the holiday fifteen, if you want success, you need a plan.

Given that there are only 24 hours in a day, how many can you dedicate to making your relationship better?

Can you devote one hour a day where you aren’t working, watching TV, or dealing with life’s many responsibilities?

I resolve to try and set aside time each day to be present in my relationship.

Find fun stuff for to do together

Relationship scientists have shown that couples who play together, stay together. That may sound silly, but it’s true. Participating in fun and exciting play with your partner can actually increase relationship satisfaction. This year I am going to press pause on our Netflixing and find ways to harness our childlike spirits.

Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion versus boredom. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, 243-254.

Be less demanding

Psychologists believe that relationship satisfaction is directly linked to our expectations. The more a relationship exceeds what we had hoped for, the happier we are. The interesting and sometimes problematic thing about expectations is that they change.

For instance, when you met your partner you may have been thrilled by how great he/she was. However, as time went on you may have gotten used to this status quo of awesomeness. Your expectations rose and you were not as thrilled by the same amazing behaviour.

Should you, like me, have a really wonderful partner, but perhaps have grown accustomed to all that he/she does for you, you may want to consider asking yourself if your expectations have reached fairy-tale proportions. I vow not to take my partner for granted and try to remember how lucky I am to be with such a loving individual.

Kelly, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. New York: Wiley.

Communicate more effectively

This one may be easier said than done (pardon my pun), but it may be the key to a successful relationship. Conflicts arise when people lack effective communication skills and the thing I am the worst at is listening. I am guilty of thinking about what I am going to say while the other person is talking rather than truly absorbing their point. And I admit that during a difficult conversation I spend more time defending myself or correcting my partner than validating his opinions.

Relationship therapists use a structured form of communication that feels almost too forced and formulaic for me to explain, but the take away is that only one partner should express his/her feelings at a time.

Couples should work together to ensure that what one partner says is being heard correctly by the other. Then, and only then, should the other partner try to explain his/her side of things. This year, I will try to listen before I speak and respond to what my partner is actually saying, rather than to what I think I heard him say.

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Although passionate love typically decreases over time, are there things couples can do to keep the flame alive in their relationships?

According to the self-expansion people grow as individuals by having experiences that are new, interesting, and challenging.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.

Thank you …Luckily for those in relationships, romantic partners are a great source of self-expansion, and relationships help to enhance individuals by providing a place for them to learn about themselves and others, creating opportunities for adventures and trying new things, and promoting active exploration of the world together.

If relationships help people enhance themselves, the extent to which a partner facilitates self-expansion should be associated with positive feelings about that relationship, including more love for their partner.

Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love? Review of General Psychology, 13, 59–65.

Want to add word or two?

Brief statements about love in relationships, including attraction and sensual love

Your partner and you have the right physical chemistry and obsessive and possessive love?

Since being with your partner, you find it hard to focus on the routines of life?

Being with your partner expands your sense of who you are?

Your relationship with your partner is the source of new experiences? 

Your comment ….?

Generally, self-expansion was lower in longer relationships, which makes sense; over time it’s hard for partners to continuously provide opportunities for personal growth. But those partners did provide avenues for self-expansion tended to also report more attraction and sensual love, as well as more obsessive and possessive love, than those with less self-expanding partners.

In short, having a partner that helps you grow as a person may be an important marker of these forms of love in long-term relationships.

Self-expansion improves relationship quality. In short, engaging in new, interesting and challenging activities with your partner can have a positive impact on your relationship over the long-haul.

I wonder how we can get out of this mess.

I wonder if we can grow together through this.

I wonder if we’ll ever have perspective on this conflict.

Anger and conflict within a marriage can be difficult to deal with. If you train yourself to focus on these questions, instead of your level of anger, it will help you deal with what’s important -- resolving the conflict peacefully.

Curiosity may have killed the cat but it will do wonders for your relationship. The next time your partner (or colleague, parent, or friend for that matter!) does something that triggers your anger, stop...breathe...and be curious.