More Leader Reflections from a Silent Retreat

Such great responses to my November 28 blog post here on my 30-day silent retreat - thank you! It was gratifying to experience such support for a worldview that too often feels distant, particularly amid the bustle and stress of our day-to-day work lives. One of the gifts of the 30-day retreat was the opportunity to immerse myself in a community where that worldview is the shared reality.

For those interested in a deeper cut, following are three more retreat lessons that I wanted to share:

1) Inner peace is not the goal. When my retreat director first said this, it made my head spin. If that isn’t the goal of meditation and prayer, what is? Yet, I came to understand that in seeking inner peace we risk becoming self-centered – constantly turning inward in pursuit of finding and maintaining our sense of calm. But the human experience is all about our relationships with others, not isolation; it’s about our relationship with everyone and everything we encounter.

So the real goal is an open and compassionate heart; a heart that embraces what the present moment brings and, in the process, resists judgment of others, the illusory fixes of consumerism, feelings of self-entitlement, ego, etc. That means it’s important in prayer and meditation to not stop short, to find inner peace that leads to a deeper experience of compassion and love, not just a sense of calm.

2) Let fear be your guide, not your motivator. Fear is one of the things that distracts and blocks us from more fully living. There are so many things in the media, on the Internet and in our daily lives that trigger fear. It’s easy to begin experiencing fear as a normal state. But fear is a tricky emotion. It constricts; it is not generative, particularly when it takes root for  the long-run (think PTSD).

Yet, fear is part of of the human experience. We can’t escape it, so the wise encourage us to let our fear guide us. What does that mean? It means becoming more aware of how we experience fear and and using that awareness for greater insight.

Personally I’m pretty good at pushing away my feelings of fear, in the name of bravery. But the truth is that I just don’t like feeling fear. Yet, seldom do we respond our best at work or home when we’re disconnected from our fear. Research shows that we don’t think as deeply when in a place of fear, especially when regularly trying to sublimate it. We are more prone to impatience and fight or flight responses, rather than the deep thought and reflection that is most often needed.

Some of our fears are rational and appropriate to a situation, others are rooted in the past and should not be guiding us any more. One form of meditative prayer involves becoming more present to your fear – holding it up to study, watching how your body and mind hold it, and then consciously learning how to soothe it. Fear can tell you where your mind and body are much faster than your reason. Once you figure that out, then you can engage in conversation, journal writing, even list-making to find a place of greater clarity.

3) Indifference can free you. This one sounds strange, but it’s a core Jesuit principle. For the Jesuits, indifference does not mean not caring, it means not over-caring. If we want to stay present to each person and situation we encounter, we can’t let any of our possessions, relationships, past accomplishments, anything … become too self-consuming. Now that’s not to say that we shouldn’t love people, engage in healthy competition, feel pride in what we’ve accomplished, or collect wonderful art. Life should be a source of joy.

But wisdom comes in knowing when those pursuits become a distraction, perhaps even an addiction, rather than a source of positive energy and constructive momentum. When we become too focused on buying the next car, building our social media platform, or succeeding at work, we become focused on the future, other things and other people, rather than the life that’s in front of us. The Jesuits counsel letting go of our attachment to things that become too distracting, too dear.

This month, amid the busyness of the holiday season, I keep reminding myself that my goal is a grounded sense of well-being that engenders compassion for others and a true sense of joy -- a joy that isn’t about things. A well-known religious writer recently wrote that the spiritual life requires a “constant and healthy unease.” That unease comes from internal watchfulness about our own fears and distractions and an openness to embrace whatever life presents, even when it causes discomfort, as life inevitably will.

Sally Blount is Professor of Strategy at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University.