Be More Effective Thinking "What Would They Think?" (10.4)
Fred Kofman
Executive Coach | President at Conscious Business Center International - CBC
"Don’t worry about what others think" seems like a bad idea to me. Better consider what others think, decide what’s right for you, and do it.”
Have you ever postponed an argument with your spouse because “the kids might hear us?"
If so, you might have taken the third person perspective. That means that you would have put yourself in their shoes and imagined what they would think and feel if they heard your conversation. And you assessed (back in your own shoes), that it would not be good.
The third person perspective allows you to take the point of view of relevant people beyond your direct counterparts in an exchange.
From the first person perspective, you notice your spouse staring at the screen while the food gets cold, you notice yourself getting angry because his/her behavior seems disrespectful to you. You also notice that the kids are within earshot.
From the second person perspective, you put yourself in the shoes of your spouse and imagine his/her stress, the desire to get done with the emails, attention so drawn to the task at hand that he/she forgets about his hunger, and everybody else's. You also notice that the kids don't show up in your spouse's awareness, which is fully dedicated to the emails.
From the third person perspective, you put yourself in the shoes of your children and imagine how they will feel if you start an argument over this. (You know it doesn't have to be a fight, but you've been there before and once it starts it is hard to keep it cool.)
First, second and third perspectives give you a map that includes all the personal points of view: I, you, he, and she. This map you can help you navigate any situation much more effectively than a naive, and arrogant, first person approach where you think that you see things the way they are and that that is the only correct way of seeing things.
In the following video, you can find a more detailed explanation of the third perspective.
Should you have any trouble viewing the video please click here to view on Fred's slideshare page
The multi-perspectival map is not complete yet. In the next two posts, we’ll look at two additional non-personal perspectives: the impersonal fourth and the transpersonal fifth.
Readers: Consider a challenging conversation. Besides your counterpart, who else has a stake in it? What would they think if they were aware of your exchange?
Fred Kofman is Vice President at Linkedin. This post is part 10.4 of Linkedin's Conscious Business Program. You can find the introduction and structure of this program here. Follow Fred Kofman on LinkedIn here. To stay connected and get updates please visit Conscious Business Academy and join our Conscious Business Friends group.
Head of People and OD and Non Executive Director (Solace)
5 年One needs to grow a practice of thinking in the round across the system so that it becomes second nature. The impulse to act on indignant feelings, as per this article is pretty strong. It takes practice to slow down and consider. Whenever I succeed in this fashion in the domestic setting I'm always relieved that I did take time to think it through.?
Create. Collaborate. Community
6 年Good to remember the "hidden stakeholders"/
Managing Partner, Executive Coach/Facilitator - Programs with ??, ?? and ??(in Kenya!)
6 年This idea comes up when deciding between the quickest solution to implement something, versus the solution that is more inclusive. The former approach is SO much easier and gets things going. But it might make the end result less effective as others try to implement that solution for their needs. It may make others feel left out, as well.?
Driven and energetic learning professional. Focus on organizational needs, big picture, collaboration, and involvement.
6 年I remember reading something when my kids were little that said something like, "How would you talk to your children if someone were there with you?"? That really stuck with me.? I try to present myself in a way that I can be proud of no matter who is there to see - and no matter who I am representing.