A More Civil Discourse
Sinikka Waugh
Relentlessly positive Coach, Trainer, Speaker, PM, BA, CEO with an unwavering commitment to even better.
6 Phrases for Kinder, More Productive Conversations
It’s no secret that civil discourse in our modern American society is, at best, eroded. Profanity, name-calling, mudslinging, blame-laying, and finger-pointing are all prevalent throughout our businesses, our governments (city, county, state, national) and our society.
Far too many people have the mistaken impression that if we do not agree on something, then we are somehow excused from treating each other civilly. As a society, we seem to have come to the conclusion since we don’t agree on a given topic, we must be rivals, enemies, and unable to maintain a civil discourse.
Fundamentally, I believe there are?many?cases in which we can agree to disagree. We do not have to see eye to eye, even on big topics, to continue to value each other and listen with compassion, understanding, and grace.
But how do we do that? How do we maintain civil discourse in the face of hostility, foundational disagreement, and a heated exchange of ideas?
We have talked in the past about?unconditional positive regard ?(UPR). While maintaining UPR is vital to maintaining composure and grace, this set of thoughts is specifically focused on words and phrases we can use to help foster civil discourse.
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“Thank you.”
These first two words are so powerful for helping fix civil discourse.
These words, coming from a genuine place of gratitude can adjust the sails of the conversation. They help us understand that we are grateful for the other human. They help us realize the other person has contributed something to the moment or the conversation and we are all the better because of it. It’s hard to be hostile at someone when you are grateful.
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“I’m curious. Help me understand.”
These phrases, these words, are designed to remind ourselves, as well as the listener, that we are genuinely seeking to understand more than we are seeking to be understood.
Phrases like these convey to us and to our listener that we are genuinely trying to hear what they have to say.
Too often we respond with a combative, ‘Are you kidding me? Are you saying that…’ (and then we restate their words in our own confused angle). Instead, what if we use a softer tone and a genuine question asking to help understand.
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“I agree with you that…”
This one is a wonderful game changer in a moment of disagreement because it helps us remember that there is probably some common ground that we can stand on.
Maybe we’re not ready to say ‘I agree with you wholly and completely’ because perhaps the other person has said something that we don’t agree with. But if we can seek-out and restate the pieces we do agree on, a topic we both believe is important, common ground we can both agree to, a shared perspective that can help us stop butting heads and instead walk side by side, the simple phrase “I agree with you that…” can help diffuse tense situations.
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“I value you”
Admittedly, these words aren’t always in our daily vocabulary and they can feel a bit weird to say. They might take some practice, but they can work wonders in helping us find civility in our conversations.
These words serve as a reminder to ourselves and our listener that the disagreement does not define our relationship or the worth we have as humans. You are not less of a person because we see things differently.
We all have our own shortcomings. We all have our own strengths. We all have our own blind spots. And mine do not make me any lesser or better of a person than you.
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“May I ask? May I share? May I...”
This last one is a turn of phrase that helps us create civil discourse because it asks permission to share a different perspective or ask a clarifying question.
This phrase might sound like the popular phrase “May I be honest?’, which implies I have been lying until now or simply gives me an excuse to (rudely) share criticism, under the guise of honesty. Instead, the words we are offering here allow us to ask for permission, which might allow us to move forward in the conversation.
The act of asking permission before plowing through, allows the listener to regain control of their own emotions so that they can be prepared to listen. It also allows us, as the speaker, to remember that we are not coming from a position of authority, we are coming from a position of equality.
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Perhaps in reconsidering civil discourse as an approach, we can find it in ourselves to treat each other even better.
Originally published and adapted from https://blog.yourclearnextstep.com/a-more-civil-discourse