Be More Assertive

We talk a lot about caveman times here, and how those evolutionarily adapted behaviors affect us in the current day. Assertiveness is one of those. Whenever you assert your position, it makes you vulnerable to challenge. And a challenge in our caveman days would mean either being crippled or dead, or you rise up to be the leader.

So with assertion, came a bodily response that either prepares you to run or to fight. A general umbrella term for that is fear.

In the modern-day workplace, a flee response is equivalent to avoiding a conflict at all costs, while a fight response is taking a conflict as a challenge to solve.

Unsurprisingly, assertiveness is an attractive trait in leaders. Take any successful leader, and you will find an assertive side to them.

An important disclaimer though, being assertive does not make you cocky, rude, or a jerk. It simply means that you are a person with boundaries and clarity of thought.

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You may have gotten feedback from your boss and peers that you need to assert yourself.

Or you may have told yourself in front of the mirror: "I'm done being a pushover. I want my life and my career on my terms".

This question plagues several professionals, "How can I be more assertive?"

There are some things you should do, and many others that you should avoid. This week, let's look into some of those.

The first order of business happens at the level of Mindset. How do you see yourself and your situation?

The #1 defining characteristic of a leader is confidence. But what most people experience is what we call a ‘Situational Confidence’. For example, you will feel highly confident in your area of expertise, or when you’re sharing something that you know about.

Or you’ll feel comfortable in the company of people you know. But in front of strangers, you may feel shy at first.

When you feel a little out of place in a situation, you may find yourself holding back. This may happen in meetings when you’re not fully sure about something, so you may avoid contributing to it.

This especially happens when you’re interacting with senior leaders. Or when someone questions you or pushes back.

Even when you participate this often shows in your communication. When you speak you have a timid voice, your body is slightly closed and stiff, expressions hardly show up on your face.

Why is it that you feel confident in some situations but not so much in others?

It’s because you’re deriving your ‘emotional state’ from the environment, rather than from yourself within. Your confidence is resting on the approval or disapproval of others. On how much you are recognized and validated by the environment.

To sum it up, you're putting others before yourself, not because you care for others. But more for the inherent selfish reason of self-preservation.

Generally speaking, you have to shift confidence from outside to within yourself. Why I say generally is because you also have to be aware of the feedback from the environment, sometimes it keeps us in check from becoming egomaniacs.

But at least in your communication, shift that confidence from outside to within.

Remember: “True Confidence does not mean that you’ll do everything perfectly. It means you will be fine no matter what.”

Bottom line, you are confident because you have value inherently. Because it’s coming from you. People can agree or disagree with you, and you are open to that feedback. But you will not disqualify yourself simply because you are concerned about what others think of you.?

Okay?

So now let's look into some things that you should avoid doing at the level of behavior:

#1 Hold yourself back

Stop holding yourself back from participating. I'm not asking you to speak up, just to speak up. But sometimes people hold themselves back even when their participation or opinion is valuable because:

• They fear they might be judged for what they say.
• Fear of conflict, or antagonizing someone.
• In presence of another expert

You get the idea, right? Speak Up!

#2 Soften the impact of your saying:

You know when you have to suggest your ideas, but you fear the 'rejection'.

"What if they don't like my idea?" or "What if they have some other strong opinion, in that case, I'll lose their approval?"

So you compensate for it by softening the impact. Compensatory phrasing like "Just putting it out there..." or "maybe this can work..."

Even though your idea is solid, it sure sounds like you have doubts. If you don't seem to trust yourself, why should others trust you?

A key trait of confident and successful people is they use definite terms. Terms like "must" and "will".

#3 Asking for permission

It takes courage to stand for your thoughts and beliefs. And so asking for permission is another way of gauging the opinion of others, so we don't expose our thought if they are diverging.

In many situations, your leadership expects you to take charge and do things your way. Figure out solutions. Don't go every step of the way asking for permission and exact steps to be followed. Consult your leadership if you have to, but not for asking permission but for just brainstorming ideas.

And if things go wrong, don't shy away from owning those either.

#4 Qualifying yourself too much

Let's say your boss asks, "When can you get it done?"

And you go on an explanation speech, "Oh yes. We are working on it, Chris has started the work but is waiting on a response from the production team. They seem to be busy so I'll ping them. They are not very responsive right now because of other ongoing issues. In the meanwhile, Chris and Jason are putting together a model based on the data they currently have. So if we start on Thursday, we can finish it by Friday afternoon, and then we'll review it. So Monday we'll be ready."

Or you could have simply said, "Monday!"

See my point? Stop explaining yourself to others when it's not necessary.

#5 Not asking something for yourself

Asking for a day off, an extension on a deadline, a promotion, or a better project. All of these things that you deserve and should be shameless about. But you hesitate to ask. Because of fear of judgment and rejection.

Another example of this is when you have a hard time saying no to things, and you end up overpromising.

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These are just some of the common examples, not an exhaustive list by any means. If you are not comfortable taking a stand for yourself, growing as a leader will be an uphill battle.

Core behaviors like people-pleasing are hard to break. They require guided and consistent effort in doing things that you may find uncomfortable. Left to themselves, most people will never change these behaviors.

Having someone who can guide you through the process and hold you accountable for taking action is by far the most effective way to break out of it.

If you're looking to transform yourself in this area and make your career-growth effortless, then DM me the word "Confidence". I'll lay out a tailored strategy for you for free.