Monkey business

The seven hour slog from Hartlepool, County Durham, to Plymouth in Devon is one of the longest away trips in the football league - and battling England's crowded motorways and inefficient (and expensive) train network isn't for the faint-hearted.

Especially if you're dressed as a storm trooper.

But 200 hard core Hartlepool United fans made the 800 mile round trip trek to Plymouth in May 2016 for a meaningless League Two fixture (that's the 4th tier of English football for those who don't know). They undertook this pilgrimage for what was to be the penultimate time to maintain their tradition of attending Hartlepool's final away game of the season in fancy dress.

This fine tradition naturally drew the attention of the national (aka gutter) press. For many years Hartlepool's end of season costumes, which have included Smurfs, Oompah Loompahs, Mimes, Thunderbirds, Bob Marley and Penguins, have made the grim times fade and teased a smile from the British people.

Really, you haven't truly lived unless you've seen a London tube full of penguins, or watched a horde of Smurfs chanting "Hartlepool" as they surge off a London train. (For more glimpses of these brilliant outfits just Google "Hartlepool fancy dress" & "Hartlepool Smurfs")

Undistinguished tradition

If you're one of my regular readers, particular if you're from the USA, you're probably used to reading about success and achievement on LinkedIn.

You might wonder how we English can passionately support a team that can best be described as perennial underachievers.

It isn't always rewarding to support a team in the lower reaches of the Football League - especially one that has won a grand total of nothing, nil, nada, nichts, nowt, zero, zilch, zip in its 96 year history.

But we do it because it's our team, our tribe - and in turn we can't understand the glory hunters who support a team because they are famous or winners. Certainly we aren't either.

The highest position Hartlepool has ever finished in its history is sixth in League One - which made them the 50th best team in the country in 2005. That year was also the closest they ever came to reaching the Championship (second tier in England), when a controversial penalty eight minutes from time resulted in Sheffield Wednesday equalising in the play-off final - sadly and inevitably going on to win in extra time.

Other than that Hartlepool's main claims to fame are a) they held the record for the most times they had to reapply to stay in the League (14) after finishing in the bottom two places; b) they were the first club that Brian Clough managed, c) their most famous supporter is Andy Capp, the cartoon character (Andy's creator, Reg Smythe, lived in Hartlepool and the Andy Capp cartoons are based there) d) the first British serviceman to die on British soil in the First World War was killed on 16th December 1914 when Hartlepool was shelled by a German destroyer and e) I was born 200 metres from the Heugh Battery, where that serviceman died.

And then, of course, there's the monkey.

Monkey hanging

Legend has it that in the Napoleonic wars a French ship foundered and was wrecked in the treacherous waters of the North Sea. The only survivor washed up on the Hartlepool rocks, clinging to the ship's mast, was the ship's monkey, dressed in the uniform of a French officer.

The local fishermen, never having seen a Frenchman, interrogated the monkey without success.

Consequently they put it to trial and as it refused to say anything in its defence they condemned it to death and hung it as a spy.*

Forever after Hartlepudlians became known as "monkey-hangers". As a youngster, after I moved "down South" I was resigned to being asked "who hung the monkey?" whenever someone heard where I came from.

The first time I met my father-in-law, a Londoner who had moved to Sydney he asked where I was from. My answer brought the inevitable response " who hung the monkey?"

Originally coined as a form of ridicule, Hartlepudlians became proud of the appellation and many local sporting teams adopted a hanging monkey as a badge or mascot.

Including Hartlepool United.

(* The story is actually a myth – similar tales are told of other towns in Scotland – that was propagated in the early 1900s by Hartlepool Rovers Rugby club, among others. My father’s team, Hartlepool Rugby Club, has hanging monkeys on its club tie).

(Hartlepool Marina monkey)

The monkey mayor

Football mascots in England have a dubious history - none more so than Hartlepool United's mascot H'Angus the Monkey.

Shortly after the turn of the millennium H'Angus the Monkey was banned from Scunthorpe for simulating erotic activities (i.e. sex) with Scunthorpe’s mascot. He also gained notoriety when he was disqualified from the Mascot Grand National (yes, unbelievably there was such a race) for nobbling the other competitors and for "inappropriate" behaviour with an inflatable doll before a home game.

So, shortly after the law was changed in 2002 to allow direct elections for mayors in the UK, no-one gave H'Angus the Monkey much chance when he decided to run for mayor of Hartlepool. Most Hartlepudlians thought that H'Angus would be unelectable on the grounds of bad character.

Not to mention the fact he was a monkey.

I was in UK on business in April 2001, cunningly arranged to coincide with the League One playoffs. I still recall laughing at H'Angus parading around the ground before the home and away games against Cheltenham (I wasn't smiling after the second game - we lost on penalties) carrying a sign saying "H'Angus for Mayor".

It was all a joke, of course - until H'Angus announced his policy platform of free bananas for all school children, striking terror into the hearts of his opponents.

Then, on election day, the citizens of Hartlepool tipped a wink to Brexit and other future election shocks when, in a collective repudiation of mainstream politics they voted for H'Angus as their first directly elected mayor. H'Angus won with 5,696 votes to the Labour Party's 5,174.

(As a postscript the man in the suit, Stuart Drummond, increased his majority to 10,000 in the next election, was elected three times in total and remained mayor of Hartlepool for 11 years until 2013, when he stood down. He was also a finalist for the World Mayor award in 2010.)

Sadly Hartlepool United was finally relegated from League Two to the obscurity of the National League in 2018 and has yet to return to its former giddy heights.

But in spite of its misfortunes and Covid-19 Hartlepool still retains a faithful following of slightly crazy fans, myself included.

For anyone who thinks “But Steve, you’ve been a Swindon Town fan for 57 years” my answer is that you’re right – my parents dragged me kicking and screaming from Hartlepool “Down South” to Wantage, Oxon, 20 miles from Swindon and my dad took me to see Swindon play Sunderland as compensation about two weeks later. I kept going.

So my first team is Swindon Town, but everyone needs a glamour team to follow as well.

My glamour team is Hartlepool United.

What has this got to do with #sales and #sellingatClevel? Absolutely nothing – I just wanted to tell a fun story. And if you wonder where I got my weird sense of humour this may explain something.