Money and Your Older Kids
Adrian Gentilcore
Sharing the Magic as Your Fairy Techmother | LinkedIn Optimization | WordPress Website Design | Email Newsletters and Your Fairy Debtmother | Financial Coaching | Debt Management | Feminist
One of my favorite things is teaching kids about money. Some people think this should be a school thing, but I disagree totally.
Not that it shouldn't be taught in school - it absolutely SHOULD, but it needs to be taught in hundreds of daily micro-lessons from a very young age clear into adulthood, and schools just can't do that.
It doesn't seem like it, but your kids are WATCHING you. Every time you say you're broke, that you can't afford things, or that money is hard or scarce or scary, they hear that and it forms their money mindset.
The Teen Years are Where the Rubber Meets the Road
Once your teens hit High School, it's time to start thinking of them differently. They are now adults-in-training and unless you want them mooching off you until they're 40 it's time to start teach them to prepare for their financial responsibilities of their adult lives.
NOW is the time to give them some responsibility for money decisions
NOW is the time to let them make mistakes and have regrets
NOW is the time to let them be BROKE
NOW is the time to teach them to work for things and save for them
NOW is the time to give them the dignity of figuring things out
NOW is the time for some tough love - life isn't easy, bosses aren't easy, marriage isn't easy and bad stuff happens to good people. This is NORMAL LIFE, but our kids have mostly been so protected and coddled they don't have perspective on life's challenges.
So, what can you give them responsibility for?
My kids knew better than to ask me for money without having a plan. It was very rare that I would ever just GIVE them money. There was going to be some chores, some extra studying, some savings or something to give them some skin in the game. Nobody is giving me free money most days.....
In my last Email, I suggested involving kids in important money tasks like grocery shopping. They don't understand how to use coupons or how to price compare. And being surly, grouchy teenagers, they aren't going to be real interested in it either - unless you make it worth their while.
If they get an extra supply of their favorite snacks or extra money for a movie with their friends that might persuade them. BUT - you CANNOT be a backseat driver. If you are critical of their choices or try to boss them around, you'll blow it. Instead, cheer them on and encourage them to make smart choices.
When my boys would use a coupon or find something on a clearance rack, I would make a big fuss over them. I still do. My oldest just found a great deal on some very UGLY Hoka shoes. I complimented him on being willing to wear ugly shoes. After all, I set the example by driving a really UGLY car for the last ten years or so. A bright orange Kia that I actually love now, but I bought it because no one else wanted it, so it was CHEAP.
I'm not even going to try and cover college - it's just too big a topic. But I will say - do NOT put your retirement savings at risk to put kids through college. There are many other scenarios where kids do just FINE without college and just about everyone in my family is proof of that!
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Adult Kids
The stakes are higher with adult kids and often things get a LOT more expensive. This is where good management and training in the High School years will pay off.
By now, your kids might be married, they might have kids, they might have drug or alcohol problems, or they might have legal problems. Much more complicated, but the challenge is to figure out how to advise and provide minimal assistance, without making them dependent upon you.
Don't automatically allow them to move home. It's a lot of disruption and headaches for you. Could they manage with a roommate or two? Rent a room from someone? If anyone is going to be inconvenienced, it should be the adult child, not the parent. Don't let them take advantage of you, because most kids will.
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I've got a great post on my site - it's about setting boundaries with your adult kids living at home. Lots of great tips in there. Mainly, don't hamstring them by hopping in too quickly to provide solutions when they should be figuring it out themselves.
I actually do have an adult kid living in my basement and we do make it very clear to him that while he is our son and we love him, he is now our adult roommate and can be asked to leave if he doesn't pull his weight - financially or otherwise.
Start with Setting NEW Rules and Stick To Them Like Crazy!
If your kid is living with you, have you set firm rules for them? Are the rules working?? If not, are you enforcing them properly??
If your houseguest is keeping you awake by staying up until all hours - nope! Can't seem to find or hold a job - nope! Spending their money on THEM while you struggle to provide groceries - nope! "Borrowing" money and never paying it back? - nope!
Or did you let your kids ignore your rules or flat our REFUSE to go along with them?? Hey, it happens, but there’s a new sheriff in town and he (or she) means business this time. You worked too hard your whole life to be in a bad situation in your own home. I know several friends who have these type of difficulties with their adult kids.
So, the question is how to respect your adult kid and get them to respect your rights as well. We did bring in a therapist for a couple of sessions - mainly with our son, but she spoke with us as well. Made a HUGE difference. Sometimes an outside perspective coupled with some calm and forward-thinking discussions can make all the difference.
How I Can Help as Your Fairy Debtmother
If you or your adult kids needs help, that's exactly what I'm able to do. You are welcome to purchase a session as a gift, so long as your kid is on board with the process. The nice thing is that it's quick, easy, and affordable at a flat fee of $250 for an hour session with a follow-up session in 60 days.
Come and visit https://yourfairydebtmother.com/ to learn more and to book your session. I work with men, women, couples, and LGBT+ folks with a specialty in ADHD and neurodivergent folks.
Helping STEM professionals reduce financial stress: Money Coach | Certified Financial Educator
6 个月Some parents are money enablers. The parent equates money with love. The parent gives money to the child even at the expense of their own well being. This behavior is not good for the parent nor the child.
Empowerment - Clarity - Values Based Living | For mid-life, mid-career, motivated women experiencing the chaos of confidence-crushing confusion from job-loss, or other unexpected life-shredding events.
6 个月This is a refreshing perspective on teaching kids to be responsible for their own money and make good choices or experience the consequences. Sounds like your kids are well set for ‘adulting’ with their money Adrian Gentilcore