Money Psychology, Marital Conflict & Lifestyle

As sure as night follows the day, there will be another economic downturn, it’s just a question of when. Many individuals and families that we know will have to downsize and struggle. 

What kind of “money psychology” do you have? What about your spouse? What are your financial fears?

Do you “Panic in Advance” and habitually save, to maximize your financial (and emotional) safety net, even when the money is not an issue? 

This panic paralyzes people and leads to fear of change and bad decisions. “They have the savings for a down payment on a house, but they never want to pull the trigger because they’re too afraid. They get married, and the marriage is a wreck, but they don’t want to get divorced because how will they survive on their own? They refuse to leave bad jobs even though they hate them too much to succeed.

FYI: This type of thinking often leads to mid life crisis: divorce, depression, and self destructive behaviors. 

Then there is the other type of money psychology. The “We’ll Cross That Bridge When We Come to It, So Chill Out!” style of non-planner. 

Non-planning is super risky. Especially when economic downturn is imminent. 

Many married couples back themselves into a financial corner by not planning. “They spend money as if neither of them will ever lose a job or get sick or slow down or change their minds about their careers.” This is reckless and foolish. 

The reality is you cannot guarantee your children a life of ease and luxury. Sometimes you must downsize your house, change to a public school, or forego vacations. As a parent, it’s your responsibility not to blow these kinds of situations out of proportion. Decreased financial circumstances will not cause lasting trauma in your kid’s life. “You need to learn to see yourself and your child and your husband as flexible and resilient. You need to think about what it means to survive and to thrive. Your attitude matters, a lot.”

In uncertain economic times, or in a shaky marriage, “part of your planning for the future needs to include a very rational, calm process of looking at your worst fears and then forcibly adjusting them in order to render them more realistic”. 

Children do not need to be stimulated and engaged every minute of the day. They should be exposed to a wide range of human beings and experiences. They need to learn acceptance and realism. 

“They’re bored sometimes, but they’re also realistic about just how boring the real world can be. I want them to feel miraculous and also average. I want them to feel incredibly lucky and also, sometimes, slightly neglected. Because that’s how it is to be a person who lives in reality.”

“Life isn’t fair. You aren’t guaranteed any particular quality of a future just by dint of having had some money before or now or later. Part of enjoying what I have now includes the realization that I might not always have it.....It’s deeply reassuring to me that I could downsize and still be fine.”

Focus on having less but savoring it much, much more. The worst case scenario will become a reality for some of us. If it should happen, we “have a gigantic and solemn duty to demonstrate to our kids that happiness comes from hard work, connection, love, and fighting for what’s right, not from nice vacations and cool things and teachers with advanced degrees who talk to you in dulcet tones.”

Parents must cultivate gratitude in themselves and their children, to demonstrate that life is fine without luxuries, and that just being alive is a gigantic blessing. Having luxuries does not determine your happiness. 

“So say it with me: We’re lucky to be alive. We’re lucky to be healthy. We’re lucky to have partners and children and friends and family. We’re lucky to have another day in front of us, a day we can spend finding ways to make this world better. We should save our money for our families and also save our money for other human beings who might need us” to share. 

For more: read Heather Havrilesky

https://www.thecut.com/2019/05/ask-polly-what-if-i-lose-my-excellent-lifestyle.html?fbclid=IwAR3SUXKeKnaCvWGBIJ9JhFFaVatqFq6LbfjmUyq-VA9elBhcU7qkXUtyEzU