A Monday for Tears of Exuberance and Dismay

April 16th, 2018

“When I see a rainbow, it reminds me that God has forgiven me.” – Rose, 9 years old, lives on-campus YWAM, Kona

Don’t you just love the purity of children? Their soft addendum's to life can remind us of God’s true nature, and how He loves. See just a few weeks ago I made it to the Big Island of Hawaii via the Oregon Trail method from Fort Lauderdale, Florida to pursue what was put on my heart in following my faith for Jesus. In getting here I’m still puzzled by it all as I seek Him, and my purpose . . . knowing in faith we must, “become as little children” in order to enter the kingdom of God (Matthew 18:2). The Lord knows I don’t like sand, beaches, or the ocean . . . but in pure faith I am here.

It’s been a Monday filled with extreme levels of human emotion expressing tears of both exuberance and dismay. Such as, at 0800 hrs, I stood among hundreds of men, woman, and children with their hands held high in the air praising our God through song/dance, that brought me to a degree of euphoria I’ve never experience on a Monday morning; being so lifted and filled with the Holy Spirit. 

How was it different? 

In my past, I used to fast from breakfast before headed to the gym for the “me, myself, and I” time of burning fat, and feeling the euphoria of “self love”; which was vain and petty. 1 Timothy 4:8 tells us, “For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.” 

This morning, I fasted, before attending worship at YWAM (Youth With A Mission – Kona), and rather than loving on myself, I sang with all the air He put in my lungs to love on Him . . . in doing so I reached a height of peace and serenity never experienced on what used to be just a bland, black coffee, Monday morning.

As I sang with my eyes shut, letting Him take me to a level of trust in Him, and fueling my day to be lifted by Him, I forgot that I left a big career, a home, family, valuables, a beloved pet, and essentially everything I’ve ever owned. I opened my eyes, and realized a beautiful Korean baby stared at me from his mothers shoulder, and I reverted to the child in me by sticking my tongue out at this toddler, bringing him to laughter that shook his tiny little body; which made me share in laughter too. Igniting the joy I feel in connecting with children, as if my smile is effortless, and safe.

With all this bliss you would find it hard to believe that just hours later, I would be crying just as hard as a toddler lost in the supermarket due to a reminder of what was given up for His glory. Back in June of 2017, I had just purchased a Sugar Glider named, Douglass, who overnight fell ill, laid dying in my hands and received medical attention from an exotic pet hospital in Florida that has a TV show on Nat Geo Wild. Now months later, I received word that the show had premiered on TV, but I still haven’t taken the time to watch it, just a short clip from the initial day I brought him into the vet.

I remembered that day and saw the 32 year old woman I was filled with tears, swollen eyes, and sorrow for this animal she barely knew. Like most of us that love animals, we take on the responsibility of having a “flock”, so we inherit caring for their lives as forever families. 

Today I cry looking at that woman because the Lord has revealed to me more of His plan since that day in June, and the turn my life would take a few short months after that grim day. I cry looking at her because that younger me was crying for a marsupial, but in her heart she cried because it was the closest thing to family she knew; and desires for a real son. I cry because I know that the Lord had me “surrender” all of myself to “follow Him”, and I know now that Doug Doug didn’t make the journey with Fredrick and I to Hawaii. I cry because I’m looking back at my old life, like the Israelite's in the wilderness, lost and unfaithful to the leadership of the Almighty God Himself.   

Shortly after coming into the wisdom of Jesus, I heard a Pastor ask, “If you could save a stranger or your favorite animal from death, which would you save?” Like most of us, I immediately thought of the love I have for my pets, but knew that the answer is to care first for your neighbor, a commandment from Jesus. Human nature makes this a tough rule to accept, but it’s the truth.

Back in October, it was put on my heart to leave all I knew and venture to this distant island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, no looking back. In doing what I felt compelled to do I have experienced the most incredible journey of my young life; and all with the intention of honoring my Savior. To be honest, I still haven’t discovered just how far the Lord is taking me into trusting Him, but I’ve been surrendering my life since the pursuit began; truly testing my patience and humbling me to want for nothing.

As for Douglass, the doctors never figured out what was truly wrong with him, and the pet store didn’t want to take responsibility either. He ended up getting better, but had a tough time bonding due to the extreme condition he endured . . . therefore, when setting out on the conquest of faith, he was along for the ride. I knew initially heading towards Hawaii that he was “illegal”, but it took five months to make it on the pilgrimage, and I was faithful in the Lord’s plan. Myself, Fredrick (my doggie), and Douglass camped out in tents across country, which actually was a catalyst for the bonding that Doug Doug needed. Upon arriving in California, we ended up staying at my girlfriend’s house, which was a huge blessing, plus my flock was happy and healthy. 

Then one Sunday evening her daughter called me in to see Douglass had a bloody finger; like he had yanked it on something in his cage. During this time, I knew that the Lord still had us on track to head to Hawaii, and Douglass was illegal in California too. It became clear to me that I was selfish to even consider bringing him to Hawaii with me, and that to do what was best for this tiny baby I loved like a son, I must “surrender” him.

I thought . . . “My Lord, what more are you going to take from me? I have given away everything, my finances are depleted, my body is not my own, and now the flock you’ve given me?”

I prayed.

The very next day, I found a Sugar Glider Rescue Team based out of Phoenix, who asked to link up with me that very evening in order to “surrender” Douglass. By this point, it was clear that the injury caused to his finger wasn’t an accident, it was self inflicted. Douglass had begun to “self mutilate”, as it appears to be common for their species. I knew that I couldn’t provide the medical attention he needed in California or Hawaii, so again I trusted in blind faith that the Lord made a way.

It was a teaching moment. See at the time I was living with a family, and adopted their 13 year old daughter as though she was my very own little sister, and still is to this day. I asked for just her to come with me to meet with the people that would be taking Douglass, and that I must remain calm in order to show obedience in the Lord’s path for me, and knowing that my maturity in doing so would show this young girl what pure faith should look like. I couldn’t be selfish in my desire to keep him, but selfless for Jesus. Luke 14:33 . . .

I’m thankful for having the sisterhood I needed for that incredibly difficult evening, and letting go of the “child” I had come to love in Douglass. On the drive home, she asked gently if she could have the number to keep in touch with Douglass, as she became attached to him as well, and her childlike love made me recognize the purity of her heart.

Over the next couple days, apparently Douglass fell very ill. I received word that he would require multiple fingers to be amputated, and that he had severe infection. Then a short message that he “crossed over the rainbow bridge” as they had to put him down. Again, I felt taken. Taken because my life had changed so quickly from thinking I had it all, to feeling like my own fingers had been cut off. Wondering a simple, why Lord?

Worse off, the Sugar Glider Rescue team approached me with accusations, and assumptions as to what I did wrong. I let it go because they had no idea the amount of tears and heartache I already endured early on in this baby’s life, and I didn’t feel the need to defend myself regarding the welfare of Douglass. God knows I cared for him, and He knows I valued his life . . . the footage from the show speaks for itself.

Looking into that child’s eyes this morning during worship at YWAM made me recognize the true hope in the Lord Jesus, and brought me back to the wisdom of his grace. Again, I’m standing in Kona, Hawaii, with fresh flowers in my hair, the warm sunshine on my face, and filled with the knowledge of my redemption. When we feel sadness or fear . . . we must hold tight to the faith, and praise Him. ‘

I’m incredibly thankful for the joy of the animals that God has placed in my life, and Douglass is missed dearly. I know that Fredrick is a gift, and I feel blessed for his companionship along this journey for Jesus. I recognize that Fredrick is a ministry within himself when I share his love with the world around me, and offer blessings to strangers that are attracted to the energy of his sweet, little soul.

I acknowledge today, and the emotions tied into it, but I know His purpose is greater than my desires, and therefore, I must continue to seek Him first. When sadness pursues your soul, crank up some worship music and give into the sweet sound of song by lifting your voice to exalt Him. He hears your sounds of admiration, and will put peace back in your heart.

Remember to love Him, as He loved us first, so therefore, love one another, and I love you too!

Mahalo!