Monday Muses ~6 weeks or 29 years

Way back in 2011 Robert Aurbach invited me to write an article for IAIABC. I agreed to write the article, but as the deadline grew ever closer I found myself frustrated and dare I say even angry with myself because nothing I did was allowing the clear thoughts required to write was changing anything. I phoned Robert, his sage words were, ""just write whatever you are thinking!"

So I had a cup of tea, and then I sat down and wrote, not what I was thinking but of the confusion I was still feeling.

The deadline I was working to was just far too close to the anniversary of my own injury; try as hard as I did, the anger kept surfacing.

Below is the words that fell out of me, I didn't stop to spell check or grammar check, I just sat in front of the keyboard.

It took just over 45 minutes to write what I titled 6 weeks.

After I finished writing 6 weeks my head was clear enough to write "Observations of an injured worker advocate."

As a forward to the 2 pieces that were published in 2012 Robert wrote the following words.

• "There's an old adage that says "when you are up to your hind end in alligators, it's hard to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp. As we get swept up in issues of control of medical inflation, opioid use, proper regulation of self-insurer's, enforcement of the obligation to insure workers and other specific issues it is easy to forget that the individual worker often experiences a system that is altogether different than what workers compensation professionals experience."

Tonight as I sit here the same level of angst rises again as it has done for the last 29 years.

Yes; I have moved on in countless ways, I have gone places met people, learned more than I ever thought possible, achieved outcomes I scarlessly dreamed possible, yet still each and every day I am reminded of the spilt second that altered my life and the lives of many others. I hope that as you read 6 weeks you can grasp the challenges that far far far too many members of the injured worker community still live within.

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6 Weeks

I am hurt, not clear on what happened or what happens now.

Workers compensation claim, do I need to fill that form in right now?

Has anyone called my family?

Does my family know I am alive, hurt but alive?

Please can someone tell me where I am being taken, does anyone have a phone, I need to talk to my family.

Sedation, I am being sedated, that will stop the pain.

I don’t want to wake up; the pain will still be there.

I am hurting, will this pain ever stop.

Confusion, anger, pain, loss, fear, falling, help, lost.

I feel ill, I am dizzy, form what form, why do I need to sign anything now, just stop the pain.

How did this happen, what did I do, how can I stop the pain, will somebody please stop the pain, where is the help I need?

Is my family coming?

Has anyone told my family, are they coming, where is everyone. Does my family even know?

Slow down, think, what happened, who should I talk to, where is my family, is everything ever going to be right again?

Lawyer, someone said I need a lawyer, more forms, is there ever going to be an end to forms to fill in and sign. Do I really need a lawyer?

I don’t understand the forms, I don’t understand the letters, someone said I need a lawyer, should I get a lawyer, what will my lawyer say, will my lawyer stop the pain.

Confusion, so many appointments, forms to fill in, receipts to keep track of, what am I supposed to be doing now? Letters, endless letters, none of them make sense to me.

My head hurts from thinking.

My injury hurts, I need more pain medication. Where is all this going, when will all this end. I don’t remember what my doctor told me to do, what did the lawyer say, how am I going to pay for all of this?

Who am I turning in to?

Why do I have a lawyer?

Pain, confusion, fear, anxious, lost, alone.

Physiotherapist, exercise regime, appointment schedules.

Everything hurts.

Six weeks, they said 6 weeks. I know someone said 6 weeks. I don’t know who said it, or even how long ago, but someone said 6 weeks.

Why do I feel like someone is following me, who is that person in that car parked in front of my house? Why aren’t my neighbours talking to me anymore; what time is Oprah on TV? What is it that I am supposed to be doing now, that can wait – I need to watch Dr Phil.

Where did all these bills come from, how am I going to pay everything?

Case manager, who or what is a case manager, what case is this person looking after; I am not a “case” I am a person. What are all these numbers on all these letters, why do I have to reference a number, where is my name? Did someone steal my name, who am I anyway, where is everything going to?

Doctors, endless doctors, tell them each the same story, yes it hurts, no that doesn’t hurt; yes I sleep, mainly during the day, can’t stay awake, yes I take the medication, yes I do the exercise. No I don’t swim, I am not afraid of water; I just never learnt to swim. Can I do aqua therapy, yes, what is it, who is going to pay for that, how can I get there? I don’t have bathers; can I wear shorts and a t-shirt? No! How am I supposed to afford bathers, I never needed them before!

Why is that person pointing a camera at me?

Where am I, what am I trapped in, why will this spinning wheel not stop, the doctor said I would be better in 6 weeks, why do I still hurt, how long has it been?

Operation, yes I will have another operation. Will this operation stop the pain?

Who is this person on the phone?

Case manager, another case manager, how many has that been now? Why do the case managers keep changing? Is my injury so complex that no one can understand it? I don’t understand it! I don’t understand what has happened, I don’t know how I got here or even where here is.

Another letter! What does this letter say, why don’t they write so I can understand it, who is this person who signed at the bottom? Case manager, another new case manager!

Can I go back to work, yes please let me go back to work; do I even have a job to go back to?

What can I do, I am not sure, yes I am still hurt, I am still in pain, yes I take medication, I take pain killers to control the pain, they make me feel sick, I take medication to stop the vomiting, that makes me constipated, I take medication to ease the constipation, that keeps me awake at night, I take sleeping tablets to help me sleep, then I can’t wake up so I have to have some more medication to cut the effects of the sleeping tablets. Yes it is all very depressing, I see a psychiatrist, now I am on anti-depressant medication that interferes with my stomach – makes me feel like throwing up so I take another lot of medication to stop me throwing up, not too much though because that medication makes me constipated and the medication for the constipation keeps me awake at night so I get more depressed because I can’t sleep, I take more sleeping tablets, I need to sleep. I need to get away from workers compensation, I need to get back to work, do I have a job to go to?

When will all of this end? I just want it to end!

The adverts tell me all this will end and I will be smiling and everyone will be happy to see me back at work.

Compensation, the lawyer said something about compensation, fill in a form, and sign the form. I sign forms I agree, I just do not understand, why don’t people talk so I can understand?

I just agree to shut people up.

Yet another lot of doctors to see! There are always doctors, doctors for me, doctors for the lawyer, doctors for the case manager; I don’t even know who the case manager is, or what it is they are supposed to be doing. How many case managers have there been now? Would I know any of them if I were to walk past them in the street? They know everything about me.

Who is that person with the camera?

The doctor said I would be better in six weeks, I am not sure which doctor said that, was it my doctor, the lawyer’s doctor, the case manager’s doctor? Why am I not back at work, some one’s doctor said 6 weeks, what time is it, have I missed Oprah? Who is that person in the car outside my house?

Call my boss, say hello, and ask if I can come back to work, the doctor said 6 weeks. Best I lay down and have a sleep, my head is spinning, have I missed my medication, what medication am I supposed to be taking now?

The phone is ringing, it is a rehabilitation provider, wants me to attend a meeting, there are forms to fill in and sign.

The lawyer said don’t sign anything I don’t understand, I don’t understand anything, the doctor said 6 weeks and I would be back at work.

Do I even have a job to go back to?

The lawyer tells me not to go back to work until their doctors have cleared me. I don’t know whose doctors are going to clear me, is it the lawyers doctors, my doctors, the case managers doctors? I don’t sign the rehabilitation forms; they don’t make sense to me.

What time is it, should I have breakfast or dinner? Will the food stay down?

Where have my friends gone? We used to get together on weekends for fun, just hang out, no one calls me anymore. No one except the rehabilitation person; who just wants me to agree to what is written on a form. None of it makes sense to me.

Family, where is my family? Do they know what has happened to me? Am I lost to my family as much as I am lost to me?

Has anyone any idea as to how I am going to pay for the lawyer. Something was said about compensation.

No win no fee, the lawyer has to win. What is a win, what does that mean, who gets the money? The lawyer gets the money and then I am left out with no compensation payment, no job and no future. Why did I lose my job? I am a good worker, I was never late, always said yes to the over-time when no one else would. Where is my job? I just want to go back to work.

What happened? Why am I still in pain? What did the psychiatrist say, up the dose of the depression medication? Can I drive, yes I can drive, I have my licence, I know how to drive, why is that car following me, I feel like I am going to vomit, pull over – must pull over, throw the car door open just in time. I need to sleep. Got to get home, lay down sleep, if I am lucky I won’t wake up.

Why am I even seeing a psychiatrist? Am I crazy? I am not crazy, I am sure that I am just in a lot of pain. Please can someone tell me why I am seeing a psychiatrist?

Appointment, I have missed my appointment, I am not even sure what the appointment was for. I tried to drive, the person in the car following me saw me try to drive.

Reports; another doctors report, my injury is all healed, I can go back to work. This should be great, but it is not my doctor writing the report it is the case manager’s doctor. Why is my doctor so angry at the report? One of them said 6 weeks and I would be back at work. I did everything that the doctors have told me to do.

Have I missed Judge Judy?

Do I need to go back to the lawyer? How will I defend myself without a lawyer? Someone said I need a lawyer; the last lawyer took all my money. The compensation money was meant to be for me, but the lawyer got all but a small portion of it.

Why don’t people talk so I can understand them? What happened to me? Where has my family gone? Where are my friends? Why don’t I have a job to go to? I can work, I know I can, I used to work and grab all the over time going, I know I can work.

Why does my head hurt? Why am I on so much medication? Have I missed Oprah? I know I missed her, maybe I went to sleep on the sofa again and missed Oprah, she was going to talk to a medical doctor about pain, or was that Dr Phil who was going to talk about pain.

I was told all this would be over in 6 weeks! How long has it been? How many operations have I had? Why does every specialist say the same thing…..“You should have come and seen me first”. I don’t know who these specialists are, are they my doctors or the new lawyer’s or are they the case managers?

Another letter from another case manager, I still don’t understand it, there are sections of the Act, there are policies and there are procedures. I just want to go back to work; no one talks so I can understand it. I don’t know why I am not back at work.

I am still in pain, I take pain killers to control the pain, they make me feel sick, so I take medication to stop the vomiting (sometimes the medication works, sometimes I vomit uncontrollably) that makes me constipated, so I take medication to ease the constipation, that keeps me awake at night, so I take sleeping tablets to help me sleep, then I can’t wake up so I have to have some more medication to cut the effects of the sleeping tablets.

I now have ulcers from all the medication and my teeth are falling out – the dentist said something about dry mouth from all the medication.

The case manager said I need to fill in another lot of claim forms, one for the ulcers and one for the dental. The lawyer said something about compensation for the new claims.

I have to see new doctors for the ulcers and the dental claim, doctors for me, doctors for the lawyer, doctors for the case manager.

More forms to fill in, more explanations of what has happened. More “you should have seen me a long time back”. How many times a day do you vomit, is there any blood in the vomit, acid reflux do you suffer from acid reflux? Questions without answers and without end! Yes I vomit, blood yes sometimes there is blood, reflux yes there is reflux; I take medication to stop the reflux. Yes I can drive, no I don’t drive, the motion of the car makes me ill, so I need to pull over and vomit. Yes sometimes there is blood in the vomit, sometimes it is just what I have eaten sometimes it is just bile. I need to sleep. No no-one in my family has had gastric ulcers before. I always looked after my teeth, now they are all falling out. Do I want my teeth taken out? No I don’t, I want my own teeth, too late, the dry mouth has ruined my teeth.

I just want to get off of the medication and stop the spinning out of control life that I now have.

Do I need to fill in another form? Do I need to tell another doctor/specialist/professor what happened? “I went to work, there was an accident, I was hurt, I still hurt, I have had operations, I have had to have my teeth removed, I have a gastric ulcer, I still hurt, yes I can drive a car, but driving my car makes me ill because the motion of the car creates nausea and I have to pull over and vomit”.

Which way is out of this endless maze. The doctors said 6 weeks; they said I would be back at work in 6 weeks. I have lost everything – my job, my family, my home, my friends. The doctor said 6 weeks. Everything has gone.

Where is all the help the adverts say I am getting? Where is the smiling person helping me to get my job back? I lost my job, I went to work, I was injured, I am still in pain and I have lost my job. None of that is right – none of that is fair. My lawyer says don’t sign anything, don’t agree to anything, don’t go back to work. I don’t have a job to go back to, how am I going to pay the lawyer without any compensation due and without a job to earn money from?

At least the person has stopped following me.

Is there an end, what do I need to do to make all of this come to an end? Can someone just talk with me instead of at me? Is there someone, anyone who knows what it is that I am supposed to do? I just want this conveyor belt to stop so I can get off and get my life back in control.

The mail has arrived, another letter from yet another rehabilitation provider wanting yet another appointment to fill in more forms.

The car with the person with the camera is back in front of my house.

The doctor said 6 weeks.

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Yours in service

Rosemary