Monday motivation | Be kinder to Yourself

Often, we’re our own worst critic. When we feel anxious or frustrated, we talk to ourselves more harshly than we’d find acceptable by anyone else. I blew that presentation. Everyone on my team has such strong technical skills; I can’t follow the more conversation.?We wrongly assume that criticism will motivate us to do better. We become even more of a perfectionist than usual. Instead of talking to ourselves with self-compassion, we raise our standards for our behavior as a defense against our feelings of doubt, anxiety, or frustration. Self-compassion improves people’s participation in groups and is associated with a more adaptive attitude to failure. People who are self-compassionate recover better from psychological knocks, like relationship breakups and career setbacks. One way to show yourself compassion is through self-talk. Here’s what that is and how it works. What Does Compassionate Self-Talk Look Like?

?There are four elements of self-compassion: using a tone of kindness, recognizing that pain is a universal human experience, taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions that neither suppresses nor exaggerates them, and expecting yourself to make the best decision you can in the situation you’re in.

?Sometimes, compassionate self-talk is a gentle and supportive nudge. For example, I like to ask myself, what do I need right now?

This gives me the flexibility to choose what’s most self-compassionate in a given situation. Since I’m prone to worry and micromanage everything, a message like trust the process for a while can help me let go. At other times, greater self-discipline is the kinder thing to do. For example, I might need to knuckle down

to do a task I’ve been putting off. If that relieves my dread, it’s self-compassionate.

In this scenario, I might say to myself, you don’t want to start because you’re anxious. That’s understandable. You want to do a good job. The best way to do a good job is to chip away at it. You don’t have to work on it all day. Give it 90 minutes and then enjoy the rest of the day. And sometimes, self-compassionate talk is reframing a trait or tendency, like perfectionism. Use it to prevent psyching yourself out and letting perfect be the enemy of done. Perfectionists are less likely to be self-compassionate. Self-compassion can help you take a more balanced view of yourself and see when not everything is great (say, your performance on a project), but not everything is terrible (your entire career is a flop). A perfectionist might say to themselves, I have to get this exactly right, first try, or I’ll never get another opportunity. That attitude can make starting at all feel too daunting. Someone who is self-compassionate might say to themselves, everyone has blind spots that result in first attempts being imperfect. I don’t have to get everything right all on my own. I can use others’ perspectives. That’s how great work happens.

?How to Get Better at Compassionate Self-Talk

?You control the conversation in your head, and you can reframe it positively in a way that feels natural and authentic to you. When you find yourself reflecting it’s time to practice self-compassion.

Understand your sabotaging patterns. Self-compassion often involves knowing what your sabotaging patterns are in the first place. If you know you have a sabotaging pattern, self-compassion can help you gently acknowledge it and make a better choice when you notice it occurring.

Pay attention to what others say that soothes you. Notice when a mentor or friend says something that soothes and calms you. This could be a comment particular to you, or even a proverb like “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” Incorporate what they say into your self-talk. Hearing their words in your head might help you let go of control and perfectionism. Listen to your emotions to understand what phrases and messages help you feel better and make better decisions. Plan ahead. Come up with a half-dozen common scenarios in which you think compassionate self-talk would help you make better decisions. Here are some examples, when other people are better than me at something. For each scenario, write some sample language for what compassionate self-talk would sound like. Ask for help. Your scenarios will be personal to you. If you’re stuck, ask a therapist (or emotionally skilled mentor or friend) to help you. For example, bring your list of triggering situations to a therapy or coaching session and work together to come up with effective, compassionate responses.

?Common Misconceptions

?Here are some common traps to avoid and hints to make your self-talk feel more natural:

Self-compassionate talk is cloying or flowery. You might think your self-talk needs to be new-age sounding. It doesn’t.

I’ve seen examples that include calling yourself “Dear.” I think, Oh hell, no. Find a tone that’s both kind and appealing to you. You’re more likely to believe yourself if you use language that feels real to you. Self-compassionate talk alone will do the trick. Talking to yourself with compassion isn’t a stand-alone strategy; it’s one you combine with other skills. For example, combine self-compassion with project management skills for breaking down difficult tasks into achievable chunks.

Self-compassionate talk happens in the moment. When it comes to self-compassion, a common piece of advice is to talk to yourself as you’d talk to your friends or your child. This assumes you’re already good at compassionate talk. If you are, you may be able to borrow elements. If you’re still learning, make specific if-then plans for language to respond to what commonly triggers rumination, self-criticism, and difficult emotions for you. Self-compassion is positive thinking. It takes more than generic cheerleading like “you can do it!” to practice self-compassion.

?Talking to yourself with self-compassion will help you deal with a raft of challenging situations, including those you experience personally and those you need to help your kids (or students or employees) through. To use it effectively, follow practices to build specific, personalized habits of self-compassionate talk.

?Excerpt | HBR | Alice Boyes, PhD (author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit and The Anxiety Toolkit.