It was Monday 1st April 2019 and I felt like a fool....

As I sat on the side of my bed, fresh out of the shower and slowly getting dressed for work

I broke down in tears

They started as intermittent trickle and then the flood gates opened

And in that same instant, as I could feel the drips falling from my cheeks

I knew I couldn’t carry on

Enough was enough and something had to change

But as with most things in life

I didn’t get to that place of emptiness overnight

It had been building some for time by then

A red flag popping up every few months hinting that I should stop burying myself in to the Corporate ground

Against a constant dull murmur in the background of my headspace which nagged at me

Knowing what I had devoted so much time, effort and focus to wasn’t right for me any longer

And it wasn’t working

Thoughts briefly fleeting to how I was failing, how I would be perceived, how I would bounce back

Would I bounce back?

I came back to where I was sitting, tears starting to subside and with the support of Jenna my wife

The decision was made there and then, something MUST change

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I was signed off from work for a week with stress although it wasn’t long enough

I had a staggered return to work although it wasn’t long enough

Being signed off and starting group Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) gave me some breathing space that April

And through that I realised I only had work and family

I wasn’t exercising that much apart from the walk to and from the station?

My eating habits weren’t great, dulling the pain by overeating, even though I knew what I should be doing

The only time I had to myself was on the commute to and from work. I discovered this during a therapy session. In front of everyone. It was embarrassing. But at least I knew.

Within two months which felt like an eternity whilst we tried to make this work thing work

I resigned with nothing to go to

And Singaporean bank notice periods being what they were, I was gone within a month

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Stress is a word we use a lot, but for me it was overwhelm

Feeling the pressure of constant and stretching targets with an intense team environment

People would later call that environment “toxic” but at the time they themselves were focused on survival and keeping their head down

So nothing was said, apart from acknowledging that “you’re not the person you were 18 months ago when you first joined”

Carrying around a feeling of low energy, low mood and low self-esteem is tiring

That weight constantly pushing down on your shoulders whilst you try your best to stand tall

Mustering all of the remaining strength you have just to carry on in the “hope” that things will get better

I was so muddled in my thinking and priorities; I couldn’t get clear on what I should be doing

As the feeling that there was no way out got stronger and stronger

Family life was (and still is) always busy with two young children

At best I was distracted and snappy. At worst, not great to be around

Maybe it didn’t seem that bad at the time as I put my brave face on, clinging to any change to have a few beers with long-time friends to escape the pain.... albeit it only briefly

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As soon as I knew I was leaving, that weight started to lift immediately

Despite not knowing where I would end up, I could at least focus on piecing myself back to together

And to get back to being the person I used to be, that meant only one thing, a physical fitness challenge

For 3 months I trained for and then completed the Trailwalker, a 100km / 62-mile hike across the South Downs in under 30 hours, through the night, with three of my best friends

That gave me some focus, accountability to others, urgency to get cracking and got me moving at least

Not wanting to waste my efforts, I chipped away at my eating habits. Nothing crazy. No special diets or anything

Just cleaning things up, eating and drinking less overall but still enjoying what went in the engine

Despite looking for jobs in financial services after that summer, I didn’t realise I was still healing and getting to know the old me again

My heart wasn’t really into the job search

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In that moment, I decided to pursue what I truly loved doing before the City sucked me in

Training and coaching others

Fast forward two years to now, I’m doing something I love. And the dreaded Monday mornings are a thing of the past

My WHY?

I believe guys shouldn’t suffer alone, be given another chance to recreate themselves and rise beyond the expectations of others for their own benefit, and everyone around them

I’m grateful to be able to pass on the experience and knowledge I’ve gained during my ups and downs over the past 7 years

Which feels like a lifetime ago since I completed a first physical transformation on myself then started nutrition coaching others

And coaching works incredibly well when the guy on the other side of our coaching calls has found himself in a similar situation to me back on that rainy April morning

Or has a sinking feeling he’s on his way to being in that place if he doesn’t change

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If you’ve made it this far, I’ve pulled together a few nuggets you could do right now to help rediscover yourself, just like I did: -

1. Raise YOUR hand - Probably the hardest thing to do. Especially for guys. It’s actually a sign of strength to ask for help

Easy to say - hard to do. I get it. But you need to take that first step. And it’s not as awkward as you might think

The Japanese proverb “Nana korobi, ya oki”?means “Fall down seven times, stand up eight” which implies you need to make the first stand yourself

2. Enjoy YOUR moves - Why wait to feel great sums this up pretty well. If you’re anything like me, exercising in the evening is too late. I’m knackered

If you can bring that forward to the morning and do something you could enjoy, win win

3. Create what YOU DO WANT - The mind is a powerful thing. Spending all of your time thinking about how bad you’re feeling and how rubbish your situation is will get you more of the same.

I’m convinced we should use our time to focus on things WE DO WANT. Like being present. Having more fun. Laughing

And then putting our attention on that one thing that day until we’ve hunted it down

4. Sh*t IN, sh*t OUT - Hard truth time…is it any wonder you feel crappy when you’re stuffing palm oil into what could be a Ferrari with the right attention?

Getting a handle on your eating habits, bit by bit, and keeping lubricated will help you turn that corner

5. ASK MORE of yourself - Not in the sense of doing more, but if you’re not enjoying your job, life, environment, whatever it is…

Question yourself more rather than blindly accepting things as they are is a powerful shift

How could you possibly start to change that thing which is encouraging you to feel pain, and do something which serves you better?

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One BIG learning point over these past two years having gone solo?

YOUR PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

Your take on the events and situations which “happen” to you are impacting the decisions and actions you are making

Your decisions are creating the world you live in right now. That’s probably hard to hear. But it’s the truth

By taking back control and improving your perception, things WILL start to turn around

So..... could you begin with one of the kick-starters I’ve shared above?

What’s the worst that could happen?

You’re already suffering…

It doesn’t have to be in silence any longer

You know where I am if you need anything, any time

On your side,

Ben

P.S. - I work with busy guys over 35, helping them finally get their sh*t together, physically and mentally, without giving up what they enjoy. They typically become stronger, rediscover their purpose beyond just work & family and drop 20-30lbs during their first 12 weeks..... sound familiar?

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