For the Moms

As she jumped into the car after school, my daughter excitedly shoved this into my hands “It’s your Mother’s Day card!” The thing that jumped out to me first was not the colors and effort she’d clearly put into the card - but the fact that on my own Mother’s Day card, I shared the “I love you” with Chantal, our Au Pair of the past two years. I’m not going to lie, there was a little sting to that, specially given that I’ve been working from home for the past year. I know full well that nobody is going to replace me in her heart, but I had to take a few deep breaths before I could thank her for her lovely card.

This looks like one of the biggest fears of the working mom come to fruition, a child looking to her caregiver as a parent. Thankfully, as the child of a single working mom, I’ve never felt a great deal of concern on this subject, but it’s one of those arguments that we hear from people who seem to think it’s their business to tell us that we should stay home. So let’s talk mom guilt a bit, on the personal front first.

My almost 8 year old has had live-in childcare nearly her whole life. This has been driven by the challenge of getting into any infant childcare centers in the D.C. area and the simple fact that I have yet to find a childcare center, even with before and after care, that covered the hours I needed, and I know this is not uncommon for parents. A nanny (in Italy where the cost of childcare is a fraction of the US) or an Au Pair combined with daycare or school have been the best solution for us.

There were times when I came home excited to see my little one and hoping for some cuddle and play time, only to have her cling to Carla, her nanny, and refuse to even greet me. I could have taken it personally and beaten myself up over what felt like my child’s rejection of me, and Carla was openly concerned about me resenting her on those occasions. But transitions are hard for anyone, and little ones in particular. While we parents have had commute times to transition mentally, the children may not have made the transition yet. This isn’t a reflection on you, your caregiver, your child, or the relationships between you. It’s just a developmentally appropriate response to a change in environment and every child responds to that change at their own pace. I decided that instead of nurturing that sting of rejection, I was going to look at my child’s turning to her nanny as evidence that I’d chosen well. I’ve added another loving presence to my child’s life. The more love in her life the better, and I see her bloom more as she adds teachers and coaches to her orbit.

I do know despite having long term caregivers living with us and the challenges of transitions that nobody will replace me in my girl’s heart. She looks to me for approval, for comfort, and for security in a way that she doesn’t with her caregivers, no matter how loving and lasting those bonds are. She’s a thriving, happy kid with a love of the world that can’t be stopped. If this is even partially the result of her bond with adult caregivers who aren’t me, then I’m thrilled with the result.

Give yourselves a break - this is a world that expects us to mother as if we don’t have a job, and work as if we don’t have kids. Choosing the best care you can is as loving an act as choosing to stay home and it’s the love that matters.