Mom’s Journey: Easy To Judge Content Absent Context

As many of you know, just over a month ago, I chose to become my mom’s primary caregiver in addition to being her POA when she fell & broke her hip. It has been a humbling experience to put it mildly.

Bernie Reifkind offered a post this morning about treating employees well & that loyalty goes both ways. It is a lovely & poignant read. https://tinyurl.com/5n7eduhh It made me think about my experience as a full time caregiver for a month versus the women & men that do it for a living, sometimes as much as 16 hours a day, just to make ends meet.

I get comments about what a wonderful son I am from everyone but mom… ;o). I say that with both a smile & some guilt. A smile because when you go from being the child to the responsible adult, it can range from comical to brutally painful on an emotional level to see my mom struggle as she has. Then in the next moment it can be LMAO funny again. The trail back to her independence is a long & winding road & not in the Beatles or a Sheryl Crow kind of way. Guilt- it is for a couple of reasons.

When I hear what a great son I am, I know that sounds good. But the reality is, while trying my best, I am not very good at this. Being in the role of a 24/7 caregiver is not a bowl of cherries. Intellectually we all know this. ?Experiencing this job at a visceral level is a totally different reality. I could hire it out, but with her as vulnerable as she has been, I cannot leave her care to a complete stranger. Yet, there are times I suck at this. On the good side, I had her discharged from the SNF & she has finally begun to flourish. I created a two-page daily log that tracks sleep habits, food consumption, med’s management, exercise, appointments, etc. I created a user manual for the exercises (including links & videos!) a “week at a glance” menu plan so if I get hit by a bus or someone needs to take over, there is a path to follow. She gets three gourmet meals daily. We go out & do activities in the outside world 3 or 4 times a week in terms of short walks, long drives, restaurants & shopping. Her home is spotless. Her bed is always freshly made, laundry/dishes are always finished. On the outside, it all looks wonderful. But on the inside, in my heart & in my mind, I know there are times when I get cross when she is overly demanding or snappy. I know I hurt her feelings. I know there is a lack of dignity for her as she works her way back to being independent with bathing & toileting. I know it is awkward for her or maybe both of us when it comes to dressing wounds, toileting & bathing. While we are thankfully past that phase, it isn’t something that leaves your brain. Maybe ever. There is an indescribable sense that time isn’t our friend at 89. ?Every night before I go to sleep, I am thankful for this time with her, I acknowledge I should have done better. I know I am flawed, & I accept forgiveness for my lapses. This is at times a painful & always a humbling experience.

I always believed I understood the role of the C.N.A. level caregiver. I grew up doing entry level task-oriented labor from 9 or 10 years old on. I started harvesting fruit & produce in the fields as a young child next to my brothers. I delivered newspapers on my bike. I did janitorial duties for a couple of businesses as a kid including scraping gum & other “stuff” before sweeping & polishing. I was a “GOFER” (go for this, go for that) in high school/college for a construction company where over time, I learned enough that I have built or remodeled every house I have lived in. But I never had to do a job, for minimum wage, that had such a profound impact on another human being every moment of my 8 to 16 hour working day. While I had to make my own way at an early age financially, I never had to wonder if I was going to have a roof over my head or a full belly. I never had to live in a garage or in my car. It was never about survival for me.

My point is the person I am talking about is your C.N.A., janitor, housekeeper, your bus driver & food service workers… all of them. They all work the same long day you work. Sometimes longer if even for another employer for their second shift. It is great to show kindness. It is empathetic, raw & honest. I would just ask that we go out of our way to catch people doing things right as well.

It is so easy to judge the content of their work without considering the context of their life.

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