Moments of Revelation: Three Mentoring Tips

I hope you’re feeling good about the new year so far. I feel energized by new opportunities to learn, grow and help others do the same. I’m also taking time to reflect on my forebears, my heritage and issues I care about.

Earlier this month, when I celebrated Martin Luther King Day, I stumbled upon King’s 1967 speech “What Is Your Life’s Blueprint ?” As I listened, I began to hear some of the words my father, Jim Cotton, shared with me as part of his continuous admonition to “be the best” and achieve excellence in life. My dad’s words were exactly as King stated them. It was a moment of revelation.

Since I retired, I’ve been experiencing many moments of revelation through coaching and mentoring. In this blog, I’d like to honor Martin Luther King, my father and National Mentoring Month by sharing a few “mentoring moments” of my own. Mentoring is a gift you give others, but it’s also a gift you give yourself. I hope you’ll have a chance to experiment with these ideas.

1. Listen at Level 3.

There are subtle differences between mentoring and coaching , but both are more about listening than talking. Before my training in Co-Active Coaching, I thought I was a pretty good listener. But when I learned about the three levels of listening , I realized I often listened at the lowest level. Especially in corporate settings, there’s not much time to listen deeply as you dash from meeting to meeting.

• Level 1 listening is how most people show up during the workday (see graphic). It’s transactional.
• Level 2 listening is a deeper level of awareness where you pay close attention to the words someone is saying.
• Level 3 listening is not just about listening to words, meaning and context; it’s about observing someone’s emotions through how they’re communicating via body language, tone and what they’re not saying.

To listen at Level 3 takes an inordinate amount of energy, but if you want to be an effective coach or mentor, it’s essential to arrive at that level. It takes practice.

2. Don’t try to “fix” people.

Although I’ve always prided myself on my mentoring skills, my coaching training has revealed ways to become an even better mentor. I’ve recently realized that, in the past, I sometimes tried to “fix” people, when I really needed to help them fix themselves. I now believe that people are innately creative, resourceful and capable of solving their own problems; the coach or mentor is just there to evoke the transformation.

Looking back, I recall a time I mentored a bright and ambitious young man, Jakobi Nunn . He’d quickly secured an important job right out of his corporate rotational program, and a few months into the job received yet another offer for an international assignment. When he asked me what I thought about it, I was quick to voice my opinion.

“What are you thinking?” I said. “You still need to learn about the job you have.” He pushed back, but I continued to be brutally honest, and, in hindsight, a bit harsher than I needed to be.?

I’m confident that my advice was on target, because later Jakobi came back to let me know he was glad he’d listened, and we had a great discussion. Yet it’s also clear to me now that I could have advised him more thoughtfully if I’d used my Level 3 listening skills. Direct advice is efficient, and it’s appropriate in a mentoring relationship, but it’s even better to listen well, ask good questions and help someone discover their own path.

3. Find a “disruptive ally.”

The other day, while I was giving my nephew a free coaching session at a local LA restaurant, he reminded me of an unusual yet highly effective tool I’d recommended to him: the embodiment gesture.?

What’s an embodiment gesture? It’s a physical cue — it could be a color or music or a hand gesture — that keeps your vision and your goals front of mind. The idea is to use your embodiment gesture as a disruptive ally. You summon it when facing a situation that (or a person who) makes you feel like you can’t succeed or you aren’t good enough.

Your gesture — your disruptive ally — could be a simple movement, like raising your fist in the air. It could even be imagining raising your fist in the air. You could accompany it with a phrase to give yourself courage, like “I’ve got this” or “I’ve got the power.”?

Nobody has to know about your disruptive ally. It’s your own personal reminder to sustain your self-confidence, keep your vision in focus and show up as your best and brightest self.

I hope you feel inspired to keep your heart and mind open by mentoring others who are still developing their life’s blueprint. We have so much to teach each other — and so much to learn.