#Mom: My most important Leadership Role

I recently sat on a panel discussion at LinkedIn: “Is a Big Job for Me?: Balancing work and life.. 

The conversation was our VP’s response to hearing the following from high potential talent: “I don’t know if I want to be a manager, I think I want a family, and I’m not sure I can do both.” 

We often think of life in opportunity cost, a 0 sum game. A big job vs. a Family. We think of these things as opposing and that the opportunity cost of having a big job, comes at the expense of being a good “mom” (or fill in the blank for you). I fell victim to this same perception, and it almost kept me from taking the job that I’m in now. 15 months later, I’m here to say, despite my fear that investing in my own development as a leader would be at the expense of my mom-role, in fact, it’s made me a better, more conscious mom. What if these opposing things are not, but instead each supports the other, and taking on a bigger role, and working to get great at it, actually makes you better at that other thing too: for me, a mom.

I’ve read many articles and reflected with girlfriends on how becoming a mom has helped them to become a better manager (citing greater levels of empathy, compassion, patience, perspective, etc.). But, I have rarely found myself discussing how the practice of management or leadership helps us to be better parents. That’s a miss.

It’s been a year long journey to recognize this rich opportunity to use leadership development as parent-development, so let me backup.

My “working”-motherhood began 4 years ago when in July 2015 I became a mom of amazing, healthy, twin girls. I changed companies and roles.  I stepped out of management and into an individual contributor role, where I could work from home. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t make this career decision based on the fact that I was about to have 2 babies. Working from home (with our incredible nanny watching my girls) allowed me to avoid pumping 5 times a day and instead pop upstairs and feed my girls quickly, get some bonding time, and then go back to work without the fuss of commuting, “dressing” or and dealing with pumping at work. I am SO grateful for those two years in athleisure everyday. I worked a lot and I worked hard, AND I could poke my head in on bath time, or say hello for lunch…

Just as we were planning for a shift to preschool, a friend called about roles at LinkedIn. The role was perfect, selling something that I am truly passionate about, the opportunity work works for and amidst incredible leadership talent, at THE company I wanted to work for. I got the job! And then I got cold feet.

After accepting the role, I was nervous that I’d made a terrible mistake. This bigger job, a manager role at a company known for strong leadership and culture (things I wanted), also meant a daily commute, less flexibility, and concern I would be short-changing my young daughters. Had I just made the decision I’d regret - giving away the flexibility of a non-management role and the flexibility of working from home, right as my twin toddlers were about to start preschool?

Things got harder before they got better.  New company, no credibility, an incredibly experienced team that I stepped into manage, and to make matters worse, I was a little short on confidence. I floundered. I felt out of my league with the caliber of leaders I was surrounded by, my peers are like a squad of superheroes. I had to learn the business, my reps, the politics, and hire. To catch up, I become a student of my peers, my leaders, my reps; I read articles, LinkedIn Learning content, Situational Leadership, Own the Room, Conscious Business - Fred Kaufman, Simon Sinek, Ken Blanchard, and others. And, I got a coach. Aspiring and determined to show up for my team (and my daughters). But, as you can imagine, this extra work to learn took a lot of TIME. I started a ‘reading time’ in the evening where I don’t just read to my girls, but I have them pretend to read while I read my own book. So, it’s quality time with my girls, and I’m modeling that my own reading (leadership books mostly), and working hard at something, is a family value… two birds, one stone.

In that same vein, of two birds, one stone, I found myself thinking about many of the leadership principles, lessons, how to give better feedback for example, at home. All of a sudden, I realized the potential application of all of this leadership material to parenting. I started practicing some of what I was learning, at home (to the least judgemental little subjects, who can’t fire me, and it’s a pretty tight feedback loop)… This practice is making me a more conscious mom and I dare say, better one. 

[Caveat: I am not saying I’m great or even good at this, it’s just something that I’m practicing and it’s pretty awesome to practice on my toddlers!]

Applying Leadership Lessons at Home:

Here’s an example I’ve been thinking about a lot: The One Minute Man-Mom-ager

This book was recommended to me by a senior sales leader at another organization. The telling of the story is a little cheesy, but it’s a quick read and some good lessons that easily apply to parenting. Here were the two lessons that play in my head often…

1. First, the 3:1 Rule: Praise Your Employees Kids 3:1 rule > Providing praise 3x as many times as you correct/”re-direct”. I don’t keep a tally, but I am very conscious of calling out everything that I see my girls do that I want to see more of.
2. This equation of “Catch them doing something good” + giving quick praise + relating it to how I feel when I witness it. It should all take “less than a minute,” hence the title 

I love this idea of catching them doing something good. Too often we ‘catch’ kids doing something bad, so this is about ‘catching’ them doing something good (3x as often as the reprimands/re-directs). And then, like any good feedback, it’s immediate, specific, and genuine, and encouraging…

SAW: “When I saw just saw …”you split your last cookie with Anna”

FELT: “I felt so _____ (proud, happy, my heart grew) – really say this with feeling, look in their eyes and pause to let it sink in.

ENCOURAGE: I know you will continue to be so kind, and share with your friends at school…

My girls reaction is inspiring. They look so proud, they feel noticed, seen, loved, and capable; it is AMAZING how proud they look. It’s pretty good pay off… And, they are good guinea pigs, lower stakes to practice these leadership lessons on, because again they can’t quit or fire me.

Looking forward:

I’m in a Conscious Business class right now and have been thinking a lot about how to apply the concepts to parenting – clean escalation, victim vs. player mentality, how I respond vs. react, and making sure I raise kids that take “response-ability” for their situations. 

Being a parent is being a leader. Being a mom is my most important leadership role really, and all of the leadership development and investment that LinkedIn is making in me, and I am making in myself, to become a better manager, is teaching me how to be a better mom. And, that’s a relief and pretty awesome. Two birds, one stone.

Anyone else consciously leveraging their own leadership development/curriculum Any good lessons you’ve applied at home? Or outside the office?