Modesty or Deflecting Praise?

Do you enjoy being paid a compliment?

We live in a society based on praise and earning approval and respect. It may be getting more extreme if we measure ourselves by the number of ‘likes’ we get on a social media post or LinkedIn article. A roller coaster of thrills and disappointments.

Not everyone enjoys praise, however, and compliments can make some feel uncomfortable. Why might you not like being told something pleasant, after all, it’s not criticism?

Obligation

Psychology points us to a principle of reciprocity, a social convention in which good deeds leave the receiver obliged to do something good in return. It is one of the foundations of a cooperative society and has tremendous benefits.

But what if you don’t want to be obliged? Knowing that you owe someone an unspecified favour to be paid in the future can be an uncomfortable feeling. What if they ask more than you can give?

This is one reason many people feel uncomfortable with compliments, they feel trapped by a future debt.

Even a simple greeting ‘You’re looking great’ can leave the recipient flailing, feeling they now have to say something nice in return. And to be honest the other person looks tired and run-down. Do you lie and say ‘you too’ or scramble around to find something pleasant and true?

You might be suspicious of someone’s compliment if you don’t trust them or don’t know them very well. She said that’s a nice tie, but was that sarcasm? Or is she buttering me up to ask a favour, or is she flirting? A random compliment can leave us questioning the other person’s motives. Back again to ‘what favour are they going to ask of me.’

Undeserved praise

If we don’t agree with the compliment, if we think it’s over-the-top or unwarranted, then we can’t take it in. We simply don’t believe it. We don’t feel seen and appreciated by the other person, instead we may feel patronised or misunderstood. Rather than feeling closer to the person praising us, we feel disconnected and isolated.

This sense of not being properly seen for who you are plagues people suffering from imposter syndrome. You have a secret feeling of being a fraud and worry about being found out.

Underneath it you feel that you are not as good as other people seem to think you are. Any praise is discounted as not a true reflection of ‘reality’. Instead you feel like you’ve fooled everyone who’s complimenting you. In your head you will discount the praise and out loud you will deflect the praise.

Deflecting praise with a self-deprecating comment has an added ‘bonus’ of people thinking you’re being modest or a good team player. Few people will challenge a humble response, which allows you to keep your feelings secret.

Imposter Syndrome

When congratulated for a job well done, an Imposter sufferer will frequently say phrases, such as;

‘Oh anyone could have done it’

‘It was nothing really’

‘I just got lucky’

‘I had plenty of help’

‘It was just good timing’

These comments sound like someone who is modest and polite. Usually such comments get taken at face value. Indeed, a modest and polite person would say exactly the same things. It’s not the words that are said but the feelings and beliefs that underlie it.

For someone who is simply being modest, these casual phrases have exactly the same meaning to them as any other polite response, such as

‘Thank you’

‘You’re very kind’

‘Nice of you to say so’

‘I’m thrilled it worked out’

These are an acknowledgment of the compliment and nothing more.

For someone feeling like a fraud, the deflecting phrases have a different meaning. You’re trying to explain away your success, and really believe that you were not the cause.

‘Anyone could have done it’ - minimises the skill, time or effort involved and you genuinely think that anyone else could have done the same. It means that your accomplishment in no way makes you good enough.

‘It was nothing really’ - minimises the challenge or complexity of the task. In this case it downvalues your skills.

‘I just got lucky’ - is a genuine expression of ‘I didn’t do anything to earn your praise’, a sincere belief that it was luck or fluke you achieved that result. You don’t think they could repeat it.

‘I had plenty of help’ - is a great phrase that in some would be recognising their team, colleagues and support around them. However some people are convinced that their work is only of value if they do it alone. Any help feels like cheating, and therefore doesn’t count.

‘It was just good timing’ - again minimises your skill, effort or talent and puts your success down to random, outside influences.

If you were to carry on praising them, modest people will politely concede that they did well, they’re pleased with their accomplishment, they’re glad you noticed etc.

With imposter syndrome, you would move from one deflecting comment to another, batting compliments back like a table tennis player. Never taking ownership of a job well done. 

To avoid this, praise is more helpful when you ask them what they did well, what they learned or what they enjoyed in the project. Not only does it break the pattern of deflecting praise, it helps them to focus on the success they have genuinely earned. It’s great to help people take ownership of their accomplishments in a positive way.

Deflecting praise and not owning their successes is fed by the belief that you are not good enough, and that your success has not been earned. This is the basis of feeling like a fraud. Imposter sufferers don’t believe they deserve the praise, and equate the praise with an expectation to repeat the success, which they are worried that they couldn't do.

A common phrase I hear with my new coaching clients is ‘If you only knew me’, which is saying ‘if you could see inside me, see the real me, then you would realise that I’m not good enough, that I haven’t earned your praise and respect. If you could only see me clearly, then you would know I’m a fraud.’ Being seen for who we are is a fundamental need for connection and inclusion.

How Can We Respond?

When we are genuinely praised for something we believe is true about us, we feel seen, connected and appreciated. It’s a delightful feeling. However if we don’t agree with the compliment then it has the opposite effect and can leave us feeling isolated or manipulated.

The healthiest way to respond to any compliment is a simple ‘thank you’ and leave it at that. No need to justify the compliment, downplay it, deflect it or return it.

Decide that the compliment is simply someone else’s opinion, which they’re free to have. It does not say anything about you nor oblige you to perform or repay the debt in the future.

This one easy step will relax all the tension in compliments, and help you to feel more comfortable about yourself and your accomplishments.

If you’d like to pay someone a genuine compliment, then follow the compliment with a question about their experience of the project or event not the outcome. Such as ‘what did you enjoy most about the project?’, ‘what did you learn?’ etc. This allows you to connect on a basis of sharing and not the implied judgment or assessment that compliments can sometimes have. This will give the most positive response and be a delightful conversation for both of you.