A Mixologist Mindset

Gotta love a Saturday afternoon Netflix binge. It's the place where all Inspiration either comes from or goes to die, depending on your perspective that day. Thankfully today (the time of writing) I'm feeling inspired.

I'm a black man, London born and raised and if like me you've watched any kind of TV talent competition with your family you will know the golden rule of such a group activity. You must sit in anxious anticipation of the sometimes only black competitor, and simultaneously cheer and root for them while bemoaning the hopeless futility of their chances to win. We really have turned this into an artform. And god-forbid they are actually bad! Thankfully living with internal conflict is something else we could collectively deliver a masterclass in.

With that background out of the way, let's return to the point of the title. I watched a few episodes of 'Drinkmasters' on Netflix, kind of a boozy bakeoff, with a baritone compère. It's pretty good and I'm even picking up a few tips on the finer aspects of cocktail mixing. On the show one of the contestants boldly plants her flag in the sand as wanting to essentially represent black bartenders and show their excellence in the industry. A claim she well backs up by her work setting up some form of Industry collective to support this group. Unfortunately she found herself aggressiously lacking in the first episode and therefore had to take part in the "mix-off" (a head to head to stay in the competition). And I tell you that of all the "mix-offs" I've watched thus far in the programme, this was probably my most anxious viewing experience. Not because I thought she didn't belong in the bottom three, or because I thought she might actually lose. But instead because of her earlier positioning as a kind of representative for black bartenders across the country (America to be clear). It is the Black viewing public's greatest fear to see our self-proclaimed, or often un-proclaimed representatives booted off early from these sorts of competitions. This was only episode 1 for goodness sake!

***SPOILER ALERT***

Thankfully she survived that nail-biting encounter to see another episode. But that moment of dread that I felt for myself, and for all black bartenders, and more widely black people did make me wonder. Firstly why do I put myself through watching this stuff, I'm not normally a fan. But secondly and more importantly is it right for us to put that level of pressure on ourselves or on others as the representatives of their race. All people are wonderfully complex, diverse, and ultimately different so while it makes no sense to make one an example for all. Time and again we do it to others and sometimes take the mantle on ourselves.

I personally am part of a group at work that looks to create a safe space for the empowerment and encouragement of our black colleagues, as well as a space for the occasional belly laugh and to collectively influence some of the decisions, both creatively and corporately that take place within the organisation. I enjoy being a part of this group I've found great encouragement myself from our interactions and hope to have been able to give the same to my colleagues. But we're not perfect and neither is the group, sometimes it feels like hard work on top of our actual day-to-day work and you ask yourself why am I willingly putting myself through this? You find yourself in "mix-off" do or die situations where the pressure is on and you're not sure if you're going to make it. Literally the weight of expectation of both the black and non-black work community feels as if it's on your shoulders, and for what? Because you put yourself in that position. It's mad when you sit with that thought for a minute.

I ask myself, do I want this level of visibility? What do my peers think? What do my superiors think? What do my sub-ordinates think? (Not that I have any). Is this performative? Is this effective? Am I doing this right or wrong? Does this matter? Does this make a difference? etc, etc ad infinitum.

It's really easy to get stuck in a death spiral of self-doubt. And once upon a time these kinds of thoughts would have led me to the safety of inaction. But in the words of the infamous meme "Ain't nobody got time for that!".

So I put one foot in front of another do the best I can when I can and hope something is sticking or working. People give you the platitudes, you think you recognise some change that may be related to the small steps you're taking and you continue.

You also hear the questions and the comments, some negative, some that I can only liken to an "eye roll". I ain't mad at those, I know I've rolled mine enough over the years, rightly and wrongly. And from those people's perspective we probably are dropping the ball in an area that matters to them. But as previously stated we're imperfect beings right? So still we move in the face of that too.

I write this post as another "mix-off" moment draws near. We've arranged an internal panel event to cap off Black History Month, and the team has done a truly amazing job. But as the clock runs down these feelings become more keen, so I write as a coping mechanism, Im sure there are many out there who can relate to these feelings. If we survive the "mix-off" then it's on to the next episode.

So please stay tuned ??.

Daniel