Misunderstandings and Rethinking Parenting, especially in the vicinity of adversity

Introduction

Being a parent is a challenging and ever-evolving experience that requires constant learning and adaptation. Even though every parent wants to give their children the best care, misunderstandings and wrong assumptions can occur, especially when faced with difficult situations. This post examines some common misconceptions about parenting and emphasises the significance of reconsidering our strategies, especially when dealing with tough circumstances.

1. Parenting comes naturally.

Parenting is often considered an innate and natural process that individuals should navigate effortlessly. However, this belief can lead to misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations. The truth is that parenting is a complex and evolving journey that requires continuous learning and adaptation. Recognising that no one is born with all the knowledge and skills necessary to be a perfect parent is essential. Instead, it is through experience, education, self-reflection and being “in community” that we grow and develop as effective caregivers.

2. One’s personality determines parenting style.?

Another common misconception is that a person’s personality determines their best parenting style. While personality traits certainly influence parenting approaches, it is important to remember that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all endeavour. Every child is unique, with distinct needs and temperaments. Therefore, it is essential to adopt a flexible and adaptable approach (differentiated parenting) that considers each child’s individual needs. Rethinking parenting in the context of adversity involves recognising the impact of external factors such as trauma, stress, and challenging circumstances on both parents and children. It requires a willingness to seek support, learn new strategies, cultivate resilience to overcome obstacles and provide a nurturing environment for children to thrive.

3. Challenging Behaviour and Empathy

There’s another common misunderstanding that children act out because they are intentionally misbehaving. But it’s important to realise that their behaviour often results from unfulfilled needs, emotional issues, or difficulties with communication. Instead of punishing or being too strict, it is helpful to approach these situations with empathy. We ought to learn what one of my colleagues shared: “The child is not attention-seeking, rather the child is connection-seeking”. Or what I heard on a podcast, “Seek first to connect before you correct”.

4. Resilience and Support

There is a common misconception that parents should completely protect their children from any difficulty. “Big boys don’t cry” and “Women are the weaker vessel” are unfortunate “stuck points” that have been shared throughout the decades that are harmful to our well-being and that of our children. However, shielding them too much prevents them from developing resilience and coping abilities. Instead, parents should create a nurturing atmosphere that fosters open communication, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. Parents empower their children to confront challenges and build resilience by offering guidance and a safe space for emotional expression.?

5. Self-Care and Parental Well-being

Many parents feel guilty when prioritising their well-being, mistakenly believing that self-care is selfish or neglectful. In some instances, parents are recognised for sacrificing their well-being in favour of their children, purportedly because children must come first. However, such views miss the fact that parental well-being directly impacts the parent’s ability to care for their children effectively. Taking time for self-care, seeking support networks, and maintaining a healthy work-life balance contribute to parental well-being, reducing stress and enhancing the overall quality of parenting.

6. Adjusting Parenting Styles

Parenting styles often need to be adjusted when faced with adversity. One size does not fit all, and flexibility is key. In some instances, parental rigidity has been substituted for a misplaced claim to consistency. Each child is unique, and dynamic circumstances require different approaches to meet ever-changing needs. It is most helpful for parents to assess and adapt their parenting styles, incorporating strategies fostering resilience, emotional intelligence, and healthy development.

7. Creating child-centred homes is best.

Creating child-centred homes is often seen as the ideal approach to parenting, but it can hinder children’s development. Imagine the impact on the children of being told that they are the “centre of the home”. When children are constantly at the centre of attention and have their every need instantly fulfilled, they may struggle to cope when faced with challenges outside the home. It is important to balance meeting their needs and teaching them valuable life skills such as patience, empathy, and resilience.

By shielding children from the natural challenges of life, a “child-centred approach” inadvertently prevents the child from developing important skills. Gradually introducing age-appropriate responsibilities, encouraging independence, and teaching them to navigate boundaries are crucial for the child’s growth. Rethinking parenting involves creating an environment that prepares children for the realities of the world while still meeting their needs. Make the child ready for the road rather than the road ready for the child! Doing this helps the child develop the necessary skills, resilience, hardiness, and adaptability to thrive in different contexts and relationships.

8. Seeking (Professional) Help

Parents sometimes hesitate to seek professional help, fearing judgment or stigmatisation. There appears to be an unstated perception that parenting and child-rearing are natural processes that come naturally. Then, when parents find themselves in difficult or novel situations, they generally do not seek help or approach help-seeking effectively. However, seeking assistance from others first or qualified professionals, when appropriate, can provide valuable guidance and support. Therapists, counsellors, or parenting courses can equip parents with effective tools, strategies, and a fresh perspective on their unique parenting challenges.?

Conclusion

Parenting, per se, requires a willingness to challenge common misunderstandings and embrace alternative perspectives, even more so in the face of adversity. By rethinking our approaches, we can provide the best possible care for our children and promote their healthy development. Embracing empathy, prioritising parental well-being, adjusting parenting styles, and seeking professional help are all essential components of navigating the complex parenting journey.?

Call to action?

Have you ever found yourself with any misunderstandings or misconceptions? Or perhaps, have you unintentionally acted on them?