The Missing Piece: Men, 16-24, and 25+ Prefer Coaching over Counseling, but Why?

During the last six years, I have been conducting some interesting informal research which began with examining the relationship between positive male self-expression and being a hero. This quest has taken me on an eye-opening adventure. 

I was interested initially in this subject because many of my 16-24-year-old male clients, and 25+ agreed to being coached, yet when I noticed clearly their trauma which at the time was beyond my scope of practice, they refused any conversation about seeing a professional counselor to address their problems. 

But why, what was the missing piece?  

At the time, this was rather puzzling, but after seven years of working with these fellas, the same themes kept consistently emerging. I learned that men, both young and old, prefer coaching over counseling because of the connotations with sports and strength versus the latter of appearing small and incapable. (No man likes to be seen this way).

As a researcher, certified coach, and licensed mental health professional, I seriously questioned this phenomenon.

I soon discovered that my male clients and others often associated a coach with leadership, people in the sports word, and being “tough.” I was told it was completely rationale for men to agree to coaching, but not counseling because of its relationship with power and confidence. This quote described the former.

“Everyone knows that all of the greats like Jordan to Roger Federer had coaches to be their best, . . .” so it is more reasonable “for me and other guys I am sure” to have a coach to reach their goals also. 

However, with the counseling (e.g. talking narrative) the conversation grew pretty negative when I questioned these fellas’ basic beliefs. They mentioned that they did not like counselors because of being forced to discuss and explore their emotions, which seemed counterintuitive to them. This started a barrage of back and forth banter. One fella said, “Yeah, I went to one (marriage therapist) once, and I had to do a feeling card. What man wants to do that?” Negative words and ideas were used such as: “weakness, being needy, deficiency, failure, victim, and powerless.”    

Having these honest conversations led to deeper ones where I discovered that many of these men in general believe self-expression will expose their weaknesses, so they often report “remaining silent.”

They expressed communicating their needs, immediately made them “feel small.” When I asked the gentleman about the reasons they believe this way, they indicated that part of it is nurture, (e.g. the expectation that men do not cry or other types of stereotypes) but they also agreed that it was innate. It was communicated that there is an unspoken rule that men are supposed to handle everything without help. 

This informal inquiry has led me to believe that younger and older men agreeing to have a coach, instead of a counselor is part of a larger discussion about them not being allowed to need. This was the missing piece, which had remained a mystery until now. Additionally, this research has shown that men should have the importance of counseling communicated differently for them to even agree to it.

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Author’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men, and fellas, 25+ stuck there due to complex trauma, make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive trauma-informed workshops in a program called, “From Crisis to Courage.” With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.

She does a weekly Relationships Matter Monday LI article/poem/commentary for 16-24-year-old men and fellas, 25+, stuck there due to trauma, is a frequent contributor here, and has a bi-monthly podcast called Crisis to Courage to give gentlemen an honorable platform for learning how to use their voices in a way which gets respected, instead of turning to the old standbys: anger, isolation, and numbing behavior, so they can be the men they were made, formed, and created to be.

Crisis to Courage Podcast for Men Links below:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/1130105/listings

https://open.spotify.com/show/0hBtQMFu6eOoHAJBZVRgiQ

https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8xMTMwMTA1LnJzcw==

https://podcastaddict.com/podcast/3017583

https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-pl-1258925

https://www.deezer.com/us/show/1372142

https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/crisis-to-courage-podcast-a-platform-for-udrRN3OmV9o/

Are you a man, 16-24, or more mature, 25+ which feels stuck mentally, and is not able to move forward due to a traumatic past, which shows up as anger, isolation, or various numbing behaviors, and needs support? Or, do you feel something gets in the way emotionally from you loving self, others, or having the life of your dreams, but are not sure what? Please DM me on Linked In for an opportunity to talk.