Missing Out 'Grand'parenting

Reduced calcium level in our body is attributed to the reduced level of an important vitamin D3 which usually gets developed by exposure to the sun. Similarly, reduced EQ levels of modern-day professionals can be attributed to the lack of vitamin 'love' which they lost due to lack of exposure to grandparents. In America, Western Europe & even in India the elder generation is missing the greatest fun of life.... 'Being grand-parents'. They are not the only losers. The young generation is also the victim of this social change. Chinese have been preserving the culture by maintaining strong bonds between their children & grandparents. Can we re-learn a lesson about happy family life, this time from the Chinese book? In Beijing, grandparents are living their wisdom of life with their beloved grandchildren while trying to rediscover life....

One of my readers asked me a question, "Sir, which career you would love the most?" Without thinking for a second I said, "Grandfather's." I meant what I said. Not because I am growing old, I have always loved grandfather's job. It is the only job where you live three lives- relive your own childhood, your fatherhood & be a grandfather.

Ecstacy of grandparent's job is that you get the opportunity to apply your wisdom which you gained at the end of parenting.

We are inexperienced when we are parents. Most of the times we tend to mess-up parenting either by being too strict or otherwise. We have anxiety. We think of the extreme under our fear of the unknown. But grandparents have an advantage. Their experience comes in handy while handling any eventuality with children. Being young, parents' temperament management becomes a challenge when they handle issues relating to children. Grandparents have a better temperament. The paucity of time creates additional pressure on parents which is not there in case of those senior citizens. They can focus on certain things that we may not. Accompaniment with children is also a challenge due to more demanding workplaces.

I was a lucky kid. I used to stay with my grandparents for 2 to 3 months a year during the summer vacation. My maternal grandfather, Bhau, used to arrive on the next day of my exam getting over & used to take me to his village. My count down would start right from the day one of exam for which my father would be mad at me. I had two-fold fun. An escape from the city life & escape from my father's 'Raj'. I could do many things. Climbing trees & eating riped mangos while sitting on the mango tree was great fun. Climbing hills with friends was challenging. Roaming in Bulluck carts was more exciting than riding a BMW car. Milking cows & drinking milk immediately without bothering to boil it was the ultimate pleasure.

I learned farming with my maternal uncles without knowing how many hours we worked under the sun. Highest excitement came to see ground nuts, potatoes, and onions being grown underneath. Swimming twice a day in brook & drying clothes both times under the sun so that people at home wouldn't notice was a pardonable sin. Going to a wedding & eating with hundreds of people of the village was my passion. I hated to eat alone which I had to do at home. In the evenings, my younger brother Jayant & I used to perform skits. All the characters were played by only two artists so our dramatics skills improved a lot & we got prizes in our school.

These days I am conducting sales training programs for Indian and multinational companies. But I learned to sell in my childhood. I used to sell fresh mangos from my grandmother's farms in the weekly haats held in the village. I learned how customers buy, what they need, how to out-fox competitors, how to do visual merchandising to attract customers, how to prepare sales pitch, what is the right price, etc. I was a master of customer selection. I could sense the customers whom I should follow-up & the window shoppers who just wanted to check the lowest possible price to go & negotiate with other vendors. I was the center of attraction of the entire village. Being the son of a professor of literature my linguistic skills were impressive.

My grandparents helped me understand my nation. They stayed in villages where my nation, India, stays.

Grandparents always give us a third perspective which is missing in schooling & parenting. Due to their age, they go through cycles of ups & downs in terms of money, relationships & emotions. Their pain gives wisdom. Unfortunately, they hardly get an opportunity to use this wisdom in their life or their children's life. That wisdom comes handy to a third generation. Their PR skills are usually better among relatives. They can introduce grandchildren better to relatives, social contacts, religion & rituals.

Grandparents are the bridge to history. They connect us to our extended family.

Grandparents also provide us enough reasons to be proud of them & about the entire family. I never saw my grandfather (my father's father). He was murdered while protecting thefts in the textile mill where he was the Chief Security officer, after working in the Indian army for a short stint. He was a man of principles. He fought against Nazis, in the second world war. After the war, he worked for one of the largest textile mills in Solapur which was owned by an English businessman. He was my childhood hero. I drew courage from his stories of bravery & wanted to be in Indian Police Services to find out his murderers. My grandfather passed away 15 years before my birth but the light he showed is good enough for my journey of life. You will find enough people who criticize their parents but hardly anybody who criticizes their grandparents.

Grandparents are professors of distance learning, they teach us for life through their illustrus life.

My worry is that the institution called grandparents is coming under threat. It is getting victimized under economic development in the era of nuclear families. In America, most of the kids get to see grandparents only on Thanksgiving. The shattered family system has no roof for grandparents. About 30% of families have pets. People have time to take care of pets but don't have time to look after old parents, which is a sad reality.

For Americans, the good news is that under California state law, a grandparent can ask the court for reasonable visitation with a grandchild. The intervention of courts in family affairs is another bad part. But it is the last resort for emotional grandparents who are hungry for the company of their grandchildren.In India, old parents & young couples have been giving false excuses for not staying together. Parents feel they have done their part of parenting when their kids were growing-up & now it is their children who should take care of kids at home. But they don't understand what great fun they are missing while staying away from their grandchildren when they are growing up.

I have high regards for Chinese granparents who usually move near to their children so that they can be with their grandchildren.

They buy or rent an apartment near to their sons or daughters & take care of their grandchild while parents are away for work. You will see many grandparents with their grandchildren if you go to gardens, malls & other recreation spots.

I have been traveling in China for the last 5 years for retail research. I have seen Chinese life closely. I have stayed with them in their houses. Chinese have suffered a lot of pain ever since the first Japanese invasion. Hence it is the society that holds a lot of wisdom. In China, family bonds were always strong. They got even stronger during their single child policy period when they were forced to have only one child. The bond between parents & a child is the strongest in the case of a single child. I can say that with confidence because I and most of my friends have a single child. In America, Clinton family is another major example of the strong bond between parents & a single child. We import so many things from China. Why can't we import this Chinese wisdom?

Putting children in the daycare center & putting old parents in old age homes is not a great idea. It is a lose-lose-lose proposition for the senior citizens, parents & kids but there is no better solution found by the current generation. Senior citizens could also be the cause due to their lack of flexibility.

We need to reconstruct our family system. Fortunately, it has only damaged to some extent & not completely broken. The new family system has a role for senior citizens. The rest of their life can be made more meaningful & enjoyable.

About the Author: Prof Dr. Ajit Patil was awarded 'Top Voice on LinkedIn - 2017'. He is a Management Writer; Marketing, Business Development & Retailing Consultant. He conducts Management Development Programmes; trains & coaches Sales & Marketing teams. He has been teaching MBA students in India & overseas for over 18 years. He can be reached at [email protected]

Prof. Dr. Ajit Patil & Chinese family Shulin, Yalin & Tao Tao with her grandfather