Miss Diagnosed - World Mental Health Day 2021

"Miss Diagnosed" from "Weird Girl Adventures from A-Z" by Shelley Brown copyright ? 2021 by AlyBlue Media, LLC

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month. I am not mental health professional. This is simply my experience.

What is it this time? Maybe F41.1—Generalized anxiety disorder, or F43.23—Anxiety disorder and depressed mood, or perhaps F50.00 —Anorexia nervosa, unspecified, or F43.10—Post-traumatic stress disorder, unspecified.

Let’s see, through the years, my various behavioral health insurance carriers received claims for 90791 Psychological diagnostic interview without medical services, and 90837 Individual Psychotherapy. In addition, a myriad of billing codes coinciding with residential treatment for disordered eating. Of course, all these ICD-10 Codes for Behavioral Health all begin with the letter F, as in:

• ?Fucked-up
• ?Failure
• ?Fix me
• ?Fragile
• ?Fractured
• Fragmented
• Father Issues
• Feed me

The list of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications prescribed throughout the years jumbled together could make an amazing word search puzzle:

Prozacwellbutrintrazadoneeffexorlexproluvoxpaxilzoloftviibryd

What word did you find first? The first word I see is “well,” and this I wasn’t, according to all of those F codes.

For most of my life, I’ve felt as if I were shattered pieces of broken glass held together by glue that never dried, a sort of Humpty Dumpty. I felt disintegrated, pieces of myself were constantly falling off. I sometimes picked up these broken pieces and attempted to restick them to the wet glue of me and watch them inevitably fall off again, leaving a trail of shards in brokenness. There was this mind and this body, and I could never see myself as the sum of all those parts, never mind anything to do with my perpetually emotionally stabbed and broken heart.

I existed through the lens of gray. If you bothered to ask me what I truly wanted for my life, after I yelled, “I wish I was dead,” or “I want a lobotomy,” or “Nuuthiiiing,” I might be able to utter a tear-filled plea, “I just want a sense of peace.”

Living inside this head was a torture of endless looping thoughts and self-hatred. Like many women, my suffering manifested itself through my relationship with my body that transcended self-hatred into self-destruction. There’s no need to go into any more detail about what it was like. What I do want to offer is that there is hope.?

No one ever told me I had a choice about the thoughts in my head. Instead, I was just a bunch of ICD-10 codes along with copays and prescriptions.?

I lived in desperation the

next pill would cure me

the next therapist would fix me,

Jesus would save me,

affirmations would transform me.

I didn’t know the cure for my suffering wasn’t out there.?I didn’t know that I wasn’t broken. I didn’t know that this one breath would save my life.

In retrospect, I don’t believe there was ever any sort of chemical imbalance however; I do believe medication is a critical therapy for many. From an early age, for many reasons, I developed a conditioned physiological response to react to every thought as if it was the truth without any sort of a pause button between the thought and the reaction. For me, each emotion engrossed me, encompassed me, became who I was at that given moment. I was racked with guilt, remorse, fear and regret. I numbed myself every way I could. I was suffering.?I didn’t know I wasn’t stuck, and I didn’t know I had a choice.?I went for zero to crisis in seconds.

I grew out of many of the self-damaging behaviors but the emotional imbalance and ruminating thoughts only seemed to accelerate. More prescriptions, more therapy, more F codes…

The hope for me came a few years ago in the form of a mindfulness-based stress reduction program. Soon after, no more F codes, no more prescriptions. The potential benefits of mindfulness-based stress reduction, as tested in scientific studies, include pain relief, stress reduction, improved sleep, depression relapse prevention, and cognitive improvement.

I’ve deepened my mindfulness practice over the years and for me, because of this life-giving, transformative practice, my default state is now joy. I’m able to hold space for my emotions without becoming them. I’m able to observe my thoughts with curiosity and interest without reacting to them except on rare occasions. To this day, I often have disparaging thoughts about my body image yet I’m now able to practice self-compassion, accept myself with kindness, and let go even if I have to mind-fully practice this throughout the day. I know that everything is impermanent. I can sense deep appreciation and love for myself and have an ever expanding heart of compassion for others. I know I am whole.

I’ve learned this one truth—pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Shattered shards, broken glass

Kicked in heart, fell on ass

Pieces of myself, I once knew

Corners broken, held by glue

Done dying,

The glue is drying

(2013)

Perhaps there is something I’ve shared here that you can relate to, or provides a spark of hope. If so, please reach out to me. I promise to have a call with you, to hold space for you, to be a resource for you.

May you be free from inner and outer harm.

May you sense your own wellspring of hope, healing and wholeness.

May you live with ease.

May you dwell in the awareness and truth of love.

I hesitated to publish this piece, as if showing up at an often stigmatized level of vulnerability will somehow diminish my value as a capable professional, however, my compassion for the suffering of others won out in an instant.

I am committed to the continuous study and practice of mindfulness and have dedicated my career as a speaker and workshop facilitator extending an inclusive and accessible invitation to explore this transformative practice.

Shelley Brown is keynote speaker, author, rock star mindfulness edutainer and creator of the W.E.I.R.D. process. A ball of positive energy, Shelley speaks about allowing and amplifying your W.E.I.R.D. so audiences embrace individuality and land at a place of inclusion. She believes that the key to engagement is belonging, because when we get to be ourselves, we can bring our best to work, to school, and to the world.

Learn more at?shelleybrownofficial.com

Contact: [email protected], 919-830-1061

Buy Shelley’s book, “Weird Girl Adventures” on?Amazon .