Misplaced Anger

"When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes."

-Everybody Hurts by REM

I work in Hospice.  I have encountered lots and lots of great people, both patients and caregivers.  I have been richly blessed by many of the great conversations that I have been privileged to have been in.  However, what I am about to share is not one of those stories as this encounter went the other direction.  

I went to see him for my first visit, but he had been a patient on service for several months preceding my time with him.  This was a patient that had been assigned to the other chaplain who happened to be on vacation.  I was informed that this patient was angry and difficult to speak with, but I had no idea how angry or defensive he was, that was until I encountered him.  

I had contacted him by phone to make sure that a visit would be good, and I had asked about the time of day that I anticipated to make my visit.  He was agreeable to me stopping by, but he was not friendly, either on the phone or in person.  The bulk of the visit involved him complaining. I asked general questions in an attempt to get to know him.  He complained about the facility where he lived, the food they served, and the other residents.  He began to turn the conversation to his family.  He made no mention of his wife, but he had adult children that lived in the area.  They never visited him, and he seemed bitter at being left alone.  He said that they never even called him anymore.   I asked a follow up question that seemed logical to me, "Do you ever call them?"

His face turned red and he pointed to the door.  "Get out and don't come back."  At first, I thought he must be joking as this seemed like such an extreme reaction to what I had thought was an innocent question.  However, his demeanor didn't change.  I had unknowingly hit a nerve.  It was a place of pain, and he was visibly upset by it.  I apologized for upsetting him, and I told him that if he needed me to leave, then I would.  He didn't speak another work, but he glared at me, and he kept his finger extended towards the door.  So, I left.  I stood outside his room for a few moments to collect myself and figure out if that had really just happened.  

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." -Mark Twain

I have been doing hospice work for over a decade and I have never had another experience anywhere near that.   As I think back on that event from several years ago, I can still see his angry face.  My biggest regret in this exchange is that I left him just as angry and disconnected as I found him.  I don't mean that I thought that I could fix him or his problems.  I also don't believe that I am some sort of miracle worker that he was fortunate to have had that chance encounter with me.  My point is that his defensive position was to attack when another person began to get anywhere near his place of pain.  The anger that I experienced first hand was coming from a man who was scared and alone.  Instead of thinking that he could trust me, he lashed out.  In the end, he was left alone with his pain.   

It seems like occurrences of road rage, violent crimes, and assault are much more frequent now.  Anger management classes have become a normal part of our society.  I am not being critical of anyone that is attempting to reduce the anger that has erupted throughout our society.  However, that displayed anger is just revealing a deeper rooted issue.  If the driving force that pushes that anger to the surface isn't addressed then it is only pushed down, and it will come back up again. 

"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly." -Proverbs 14:29

A quick temper gets immediate results, but it is like a fire that rages and burns out of control.  It does damage and hurts everything around it.  This patient that I have been discussing had taken the fire of anger and chased me off, and it appeared that he did that with everyone else in his world.  At least when he felt that they got too close to his pain like I had unknowingly done.  Now, I had given him reason to attack so that he would not have to feel that pain again.    

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal." -CS Lewis

We are all going to experience pain in our lives inflicted upon us by other people.   It is just part of the human experience.  So, then the question for us to ponder, is how will we respond to it?  We can keep everyone else at bay by our hard words and our rage, and what does that provide for us?  We will remain alone in our hurt and over time it begins to change us, as we begin to flash more instances of frustration and anger.   A wound needs to be exposed before it can be cleaned and then begin to heal, this also applies to wounds that are emotional.   Otherwise, it will fester, continue to hurt, and grow larger over time.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. . . . It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival.” -CS Lewis

We all need opportunities to speak about those places of hurt and pain in our lives, so that instead of doing things like lashing out in anger, we can find support to work through those emotions.  We need to be reminded that we are not alone.  There is a tremendous blessing discovered in friendship and fellowship.  I am fortunate that God has blessed me with many Godly and good friends.  There are people that know me well and can speak into my life words of truth and light.  I desperately need that when I am feeling the pain of rejection, disappointment, or some other form of hurt.  The last thing that I need to be left alone as my mind may not be in the best place in terms of being able to correctly view things.  We do not function well in isolation, we need other voices speaking truth into our lives to combat the lies that we can fall into believing. 

"Feelings are notorious liars, especially when it comes to matters of faith."-Eugene Peterson

The tragedy of the encounter that I conveyed here is that he felt safety meant staying alone.  His words kept others at bay, and his wounds, whatever they were, never were allowed to begin the process of healing.  The lesson for me that day was I needed to remember the value of Godly fellowship and how it brings me to back to the fundamental truth that my feelings will betray me.  I need the truth of God's word to be repeated to me time and time again.  I hope that he was able to find the healing that he desperately needed.  I hope that all of us do. 

"Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone's face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come." -Henri Nouwen