Miserably Successful No More: Why don't we learn how to engage with - ourselves?

Why is there a global epidemic of the ‘miserably successful’? In informal interviews conducted over the last three years, relationships were listed as a huge source of angst and unhappiness. Here’s an acronym that summarizes the most frequently listed sources of M.I.S.E.R.Y.

What causes the M.I.S.E.R.Y.?

·     Materialism (equating personal value with physical objects or status)

·     Incongruence (between purpose, actions and words)

·     Stress (the explosion fueled by business demands, personality, resilience)

·     Emptiness (feeling hollow and unfulfilled inside)

·     Relationships (general or with specific people)

·     Yeti (the Abominable Snowman of negative self-talk)

This article focuses on the ‘R’ of Relationships.

R is for Relationships (general conflict or specific triggering people)

Some people have a hard time making, and keeping relationships. If that describes you, how can you can make them mutually satisfying. Also, examine your self-awareness (usually low in people with chronic relationship issues), assertiveness (extremes are both danger factors, too high can be unpleasantly aggressive, too low may cause people to disrespect you). To summarize:

• 1.   Rebuild your most important relationship first - with yourself.
• 2.   Analyze the five most critical relationships in your life.

Rebuild your most important relationship first – with your self

I am continually surprised by a very obvious (to me) anomaly when it comes to relationships. We disregard the most important and lasting relationship of all, in order to gain approval in the eyes of others, some of whom are even strangers. We ask ourselves: “What would so and so do? What would make that person happy? How can I help this other person?” without offering the same courtesy to ourselves.

“What is my relationship with myself?” is a critical, non-trivial question. Am I comfortable in my own skin? Do I blindly accept advice from all and sundry, or does self-regard allow me to ignore inaccurate criticism? Am I pleased with my achievements? Do I applaud myself for having worked so hard, not just for the necessities of life, but also for the comfort and independence I have earned?

If I am not at ease with myself, this bleeds into my relationships with others. We teach people how to relate to us, how to, or not to, respect us, whether we are worthy of that promotion, that opinion, that shoulder to cry on. You can now move on to analyze whether or not you allow others to get under your skin.

Analyze the most critical relationships in your life.

a.   Take action on the most stressful one.

b.   Take time to be grateful about the easy ones.

Relationships, in general, can be stressors for some people. This could be because they have a superiority complex, or are low in emotional intelligence, or are highly demanding. This could be because (this sounds shallow, and is, unfortunately, true) they are not charismatic enough for people to tolerate their imperfections.

How will you gauge your competence in building and sustaining relationships? Think back to the last ten negative interactions you had. Were they all with one person or with different people? If you have tension involving multiple people, this could be an indicator that you are the common thread. If you can easily come up with several examples of unpleasant interpersonal interactions within the last year – that is a data point. Don’t get defensive. Look at both your emotional intelligence as well as your conflict resolution style.

There are two completely different sets of strategies for this section, depending on what the pattern is. The first question is, which are your most important relationships? Regardless of whether we are single or married, parents or siblings, there are some people that are precious to us: friends or family. We don’t get to choose where we are born, but we do get to choose on whom we spend our time and energy.

While our family can be, and often is, our main go to for close relationships, it can also cause us the most pain. Knowing all the skeletons in their closets, some relatives or friends are callous enough to use this information as a weapon. Using self-awareness and emotional intelligence, list your top five relationships. Label them as high or low in terms of stress, rewards, maintenance, and triggering of emotions.

1.   Person A:

a.   Most important person in your life (high reward, low stress).

b.   Very easy to be around, unassuming, selfless, kind (low maintenance).

c.   Being in conflict with this person is painful, this happens rarely (medium negative emotions).

Decision: Obviously a keeper, huge positives, low cause of stress, no brainer.

2.   Person B:

a.   Your boss (high stress by nature of the relationship).

b.   Very high expectations, tough, abrasive (high maintenance).

c.   He holds a grudge against his enemies. At the same time, he does provide you visibility with senior leaders (mix of high risk which is negative, and sponsorship which is positive).

Decision: Complex. How many choices do you have?

Most likely you will need to be in this relationship because of your boss’ situational power. What you can choose to do is build a buffer, a layer of ‘virtual bubble wrap’ to protect your equanimity and health.

3.   Person C:

a.   An aging parent (high concern over their health, an amazing source of strength your entire life- mixed adder and remover of stress).

b.   Pure joy to spend time with (low maintenance).

c.   Worried about their physical safety as they get older. Conflict with other family members around this issue (Mixed: mostly positive).

Decision: Complex. There is no leave or stay choice here. It is a given that you will be in this relationship for the duration. No question. What you can choose to do is make practical decisions, flex and always keep the positives in front. Manage this by giving good advice and ensuring the most practical help as time goes by, either outsourced or in person. Reduce the squabbles with family members over this. Always keep the end in mind: your common goal is your parents’ well-being.

You get the idea. List your top five relationships and see which are fine as is and which need adjustment.

Person A______________________________________________

Person B______________________________________________

Person C______________________________________________

Person D______________________________________________

Person E______________________________________________

Identify the one/s that need adjustment.              

Congratulate yourself on the important relationships in your life that are fulfilling and relatively low in stress. What a blessing if those happen to be with your family, boss, friends. Now look at the thorns in your side, the people that cause you to toss and turn at night: do the low hanging fruit first. If there is a venomous relationship (not necessarily a venomous person, but the interpersonal dynamic is toxic) that is not critical to your survival, drop it.

To clarify, this is with someone other than your top five. We are practicing our skills by eliminating a minor relationship first, before moving up to major, high impact ones.

Do it and don’t look back. I have personally done this twice in my life: it was surprisingly easy. Virtually no guilt (except during the actual conversation or while blocking the first few calls and emails); just satisfaction that I had the guts to take action and walk away. You are stronger than you think. This is a low risk drop, remember. You are not leaving your job or storming up to your boss or removing yourself from the life of your partner or parent without thought or calculation. Use the common sense that is increasingly uncommon to make your first practice selection.

Now let’s take it up a notch and look at the most critical relationships in our lives. A colleague described this (in another context) as “Who are the people at home or work, without whom life stops? And, conversely, whose life stops without you?” If stops is an extreme word for your practical nature, replace it with ‘becomes difficult’, or ‘is hard to function’. You are trying to manage your relationships to protect your well-being or reduce stress: permanently or at this juncture in your life.

Analyze your relationships first and list options such as:

• Leave the relationship.
• Redefine the relationship.
• Reduce the stress while staying physically in the situation.

What are the potential benefits of taking these actions? Equally important, what is the costs of inaction to your health, inner self, stress level? There are often elements of choice in relationships. I close with a quote found by my insightful and talented nephew: “Truth is; everybody is going to hurt you; you just have to find the ones that are worth suffering for.”

The keepers are the ones who can see past the hurt to the value of compromise, forgiveness and beyond. As with all of the elements of M.I.S.E.R.Y and S.T.R.E.S.S, of course there are connection points.

So what is your honest assessment of your key relationships – with yourself and with others? And what is one step that would move you towards improvement in this area?As always, look forward to your thoughts and inputs.