Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Sometimes we like in others what we like in ourselves. But watch out—the opposite is also true. There are occasions when we might meet someone new and immediately issue a verdict of “I like / don’t like them.” This is a great opportunity to also look inside and understand what comes up. Why do we sometimes find it easy to find things that are not perfect in other people, to even dislike them? Have you ever wondered how this happens??

This has profound implications on our results in every sphere. It is probably easy to imagine how this could play out in our businesses: imagine you’re hiring, and from the many candidates that came in, you “didn’t feel it” with one or more. So, even if these are the best candidates, great people who might do a killer job and scratch that itch you have, your “dislike” might lead to giving in to your biases and making a decision that could prove to have a very high opportunity cost. You created a picture in your head that has had a pretty significant, real-life impact in your business—it influenced not only your perspective but your very thoughts and actions.

A High Cost

This behavior can also work (favorably or otherwise) in our private lives. When I was in college, I lost precious years of friendship with great people who, as I later discovered rather unintentionally, were actually great human beings, with a wide universe of rich views and wonderful perspectives on life. You could let go of a customer, pass on a potential client whom you could have helped or who could have brought you more business, or you could let something that should have had no effect sour your whole day because you latched onto something you didn’t like in someone, based on a fleeting impression.

Sometimes we build up entire stories of how somebody is, we make pretty big assumptions, and we make decisions because we don’t like them. We don’t even give them a chance (consciously or not).?

Instincts, Impressions, and Judgments

Have you ever heard something like: “I don’t know what it is, but sometimes, when I meet someone, right from the moment they introduce themselves, I can just "feel" that they're not a trustworthy person and I immediately dislike them; I just have an instinct”? Chances are that you have, and maybe even that at some point or other, you have felt something similar. I have found through the years (and continue to see in my coaching practice) just how prevalent and widespread this is. Blows me away.?

"We see things not as they are, but as we are." ~Anais Nin

This is part of the human condition: we look for patterns, we fill in the blanks, we extrapolate and use whatever information we have (inadvertently or otherwise). Sometimes, without realizing, we fill in the pieces of the puzzle—the incomplete picture of the person in front of us.?

These moments of “instinct” are great opportunities to do some introspection, to look inside and understand what comes up. As we do that, we might realize what really is happening (or more often than we think): we don’t like others because we see in them things we don’t like in ourselves. This is called “projecting.”?

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" ~The Wicked Queen

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), the act of projection is a defense mechanism; it’s a tool to cope with emotional conflict and discomfort. We attribute our own feelings, thoughts, and qualities onto others. We all have an inherent need to uphold and maintain a positive self-image, and sometimes it’s easier to project our negative traits onto others to in an effort to avoid potentially very uncomfortable self-examinations. It also simplifies complex emotions and turns them into judgments about other people.

If you’re on the receiving end?

If you notice that a load of flak is suddenly directed at you and you realize the other person might be projecting, realize that projection isn’t about "you” or anything you might have said or done. It’s about “them,” the “projectionist,” and how they are thinking and feeling about themselves.?

The more you’re aware of yourself, others, and your surroundings, the easier it will be for you to detect that projection is occurring and, more importantly, the less likely you will be to buy into whatever the other person is serving up, saying things about you as they project. Chances are, they are not even aware they’re doing it.?

A boss might feel uneasy and worried about their performance, so they might become excessively critical of someone else’s performance (you or some other colleague). A gymnast who is insecure about their ability to perform a certain exercise might see others and think (or say) something like, “They can't jump.” Or, if you feel insecure about some aspect of your personality and you see yourself being too critical or aggressive, even if they don’t really deserve it, you might well be projecting your insecurities onto them (and this is why it is so important that you analyze your reactions and judgements).?

Bias Much?

Cognitive biases are mental shortcuts that help us process information but can lead to misinterpretations and unfair judgments. And I am sure you see how one of the tangible issues with projection is that it builds on or reinforces our biases. We might look for information that supports preconceived, projection-laced notions and to miss or disregard evidence that contradicts them (this is called confirmation bias).

Our biases can distort or cloud our judgment when interacting with others. We can build entire narratives that justify our feelings, stories wholly based on limited information that reinforce our negative views. This is true in any environment, but it’s especially visible (and economically pernicious) in professional environments, where stress and high stakes can amplify first impressions.

"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" ~Nathaniel Branden

The Coaching Perspective

Recognizing that we may be projecting is very important to make connections and achieve learning that will allow for personal growth to happen. But recognize that articulating what comes up when we project and naming it as it presents itself can be surprisingly tricky.?

Own your responsibility for being self-aware and recognizing your own projection and any associated biases. Challenge yourself to see beyond your initial impressions. Ask questions and try to understand the other person’s perspective. Think about your responses when you feel this “judge” come up, consider what they reveal about you, and allow for the possibility that your initial judgment may not reflect the true character or intentions of the other person.?

When someone triggers a negative emotion in you, be aware of your behavior before deciding if you like them or not and going further with little or no evidence. Reflect instead of reacting, and shift from judgment to curiosity.?

Consider questions such as:

• Is it really about them, or is something deeper going on inside you??
• What specifically are you reacting to in this person?
• Are there traits you dislike in yourself that you think you see in them?
• Might your feelings about this person reflect any of your own insecurities or challenges? Why? What are they?

Writing has the magical effect (for me, at least!) of unearthing thoughts and insights you didn’t know you had. So consider writing (on a napkin, a journal, in your computer) as a device to articulate for yourself whether there are any patterns and triggers to watch out for. You can always come back to your writing to go deeper if needed or even to get ideas.?

And, of course, discussing them with a coach can also be a catalyst; the coaching interaction, through powerful questions, creates a mirror in which you can often see unsuspected, deeply held underlying beliefs and biases.

Interested in coaching?

By simply becoming aware of how we react to others, we can break free from these patterns, recognize our biases, and approach others, and more importantly, ourselves, with curiosity, acceptance, and compassion coaching rather than judgment.

Coaching is about discovering your true potential and developing the self-awareness necessary to make empowered, conscious decisions. Coaching can provide the clarity you need and help you identify those patterns that influence your interactions and turn into beliefs weighing you down without any merit. It can help you replace them with more constructive, open-minded approaches and positive inner stories.

Book a sample coaching session to get a feel and explore how coaching feels, ask any questions, and see how it can help you grow through introspection and guided inquiry.?

Let’s connect!